Countdown

One of my classmates put up a countdown timer on our Facebook group page.
There are 83 days left until graduation.
That is less than 3 months.
October 1st is just 4 days away.
There is about (my math may be off...I had 4 hours of sleep last night) 92 days until the last day of this year.

I
Am
FREAKING
OUT!

I have never felt this much anxiety before.
I'm anxious about being able to afford the national certification exam.
I'm anxious about PASSING the exam.
I'm anxious about what I'm going to do AFTER the exam.
I'm anxious about HOW I'm going to do what I do after the exam once I actually decide.

Those are my more long-term anxieties.
My short-term anxieties include getting offered a new job today, dealing with EXTREMELY negative people in my class (including myself) and trying to figure out all the long-term anxieties.

I don't know how I'm going to survive this.

Yes, it is just 3 months away and all of this will just be a memory, but this is a HUGE deal.
I'm still struggling with actually wanting to be a massage therapist. But, I have no choice. This will be my career for awhile. When I finish school and pass my exams I will be a licensed massage therapist.
I have a bachelor's degree and somehow I'm more anxious about saying I'm a LMT.
Anyways.
I'm grateful for countdowns.
They keep me sane.
BUT
The countdowns remind me just how unprepared and undecided I really am.

Like I said...

FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

So, there was this one time...

Most who read this (if there is anyone) know I am studying massage therapy. In July we started our clinic rotations. These rotations include working on 5 clients for 50 minutes each.

So...
This past Saturday I was going along, enjoying my clinic shift, enjoying working with my clients and looking forward to going home. I got to my final client and that's when it got interesting. First of all, the client took a VERY long time explaining his issues (that's not the point of this story though), so by the time I FINALLY got him to the booth and had stepped out so he could disrobe and get on the table I was already running behind (we are timed). Before I had gotten to this point I will mention that the table had been excessively noisy and I had been a little concerned about its stability. Due to the nature of our 'booths' you can hear pretty much everything going on (thank you curtains). I was listening to my client get onto the table and preparing myself to enter. Then suddenly, horrifically, and (sadly) unsurprisingly, I heard a big cracking/crashing sound. I'm sure you can imagine, I had the worst image in my mind. I had pictured the table collapsed in the middle with my client splayed everywhere in a mangled mess. (Thank heavens that wasn't the case!) I asked the client if he was ok and he said yes. I wanted to just jump in to the booth and make sure everything was ok, but just before I opened the curtain I remembered he was naked and most likely NOT under the sheets. I asked him if he was covered, he said no, so I asked him to get dressed...apologizing profusely the whole time. After he got dressed I walked in and surveyed the damage. One of the support beams had broken loose. The table was not even remotely safe at this point sooooo...obviously I was in an interesting situation.
I had him walk downstairs with me to the office and I told the managers the situation. Their reactions were fun (the look of surprise was entertaining...). When I left the booth upstairs I grabbed the sheets from the table expecting I'd be needing a fresh set because I thought, for some reason, I would be told to set up for another client while someone else would take my client...I'm not sure why I thought this might happen, but it's what I was thinking. I didn't bring anything else with me; just the 2 sheets and the towel. After explaining the situation they told me I could go into the room next to them and take a booth in there. So, with no bungee (to secure the linens to the table), a bolster that was just sitting in the office and a replacement face rest cover (supplied to me almost instantly by the office staff) I went to the next room and proceeded to set up my booth. Only, my client was watching the entire time (kind of annoying if you ask me). I realized I had left my bungee and had to improvise by tying knots in the corners of the sheets (this has NEVER worked well for me in class, but miraculously it worked just fine this time). And, as I was just about done setting up, I realized I had left my clock upstairs and I was in a booth in which there was NO clock.
So, trusting I could do my regular session flow (which usually ends up being around 50 minutes) I started.
I worked on my client and did my best, and I have NO idea how long his session really was, but I think, all things considered, it went pretty well.
It was DEFINITELY an experience to remember.
And, honestly, other than the fact that it made me get out of clinic a lot later than I had hoped for (I usually finish around 6:15-ish, I finished at 6:50-ish...and there was another situation that made me later as well, but that was NOT my fault...I promise) it wasn't a big deal. I really hope it doesn't happen again though.
So there you have it.
My massage table broke on me when my client got on it.
Thank HEAVENS it's the school's table! :-D

Standards are Ok Somtimes!

I may be far from perfect and I may not know exactly what I stand for these days, but I do know one thing:
I'm so unbelievably grateful that I grew up with certain standards and expectations (from friends and church leaders).
Some people tell me I'm missing out on some wonderful things in life by not drinking (and trust me, sometimes, especially very recently, I wish I did drink...I'm the only one in my massage class that has NOT had an alcoholic beverage..as far as I know at least). The only negative thing on my record (if it's even still there) is a speeding ticket that I got when I didn't even know the speed limit...still makes me mad). I have never committed any crime which means I have never been arrested, I have never done drugs and, therefore, have never been caught using them.
In my class tonight we got to fill out the application for state licensure in massage therapy. We went through dozens of questions. Many of which asked about felonies. I am so unbelievably grateful I have a clean record and don't have to deal with any of that. Getting to see a little of what those that do have felonies have to go through is more than enough.
I am so glad that, despite my questions and doubts, I have never had a troublesome childhood and that I don't have to deal with any of that. If nothing else, being a Mormon...a GOOD Mormon, has saved me a lot of grief in trying to become a professional.
Tonight I feel blessed and EXTREMELY lucky!

Stroke

Tuesday while at work I happened to hear my phone going off so I picked it up. It was my mom. My mom NEVER calls me, so I figured it was urgent or at least somewhat important, and I answered.
She informed me that she was driving into town because my dad was on an ambulance on his way to the ER.
Long story short...because I'm too tired to write much.
My dad had a moderate stroke. He's still at the hospital with hopes of being released tomorrow. BUT, if he goes home it won't be a good thing. He needs intense therapy in so many ways. I really hope that the insurance company will work with my parents and allow him to be put in a transitional rehabilitation center for a while. He can't take care of himself. My mom can't take care of herself the way she needs to as well. There's NO way he'll be safe if he goes home right now.
From what I observed my dad seemed fine.
He says things are different, but he doesn't seem any different. He's been known to over-exaggerate things and I can't help but wonder if this is the case right now.
I was feeling ok about things yesterday when he was showing signs of improving (his speech had cleared up). He's frustrated that he can't do much, but he hasn't been able to do much for months now. I don't get why it's suddenly a problem now. Maybe this stroke has opened his eyes. I don't know.
I'm feeling extremely angry about everything right now.
It's absolutely horrible for me to say this, but a good portion of me wishes that it had just taken him out. He's suffered through so much. His mind, body and soul need rest.
But, life as usual never disappoints with its shitiness.
I am more than certain that my family doesn't trust or respect me. As emergency contacts my brother and aunt were put down. My mom even called my aunt before she called me as she was driving to the ER. I half wonder if I wasn't the last person to be informed. I'm surprised I was even notified at all to be honest.
I know I'm being insanely selfish and self-centered, but it's how I feel right now.
I am so angry and so hurt.
I try to make jokes to cheer up everyone in the room and I just get blank stares as if I have said the worst thing possible. (No wonder I suffer from confidence issues...)
I feel that my family is only my family by definition.
No one tells me anything and no one trusts my opinion or even my knowledge.
It makes me so angry!!!
I'm mad at my mom for thinking she can handle taking care of my dad when she can barely take care of herself. She's soooooo unhealthy and sooooo hard to communicate with.
I feel guilty pretty much anytime I go to her for any kind of mother-daughter need.
The worst part is, I can't seem to separate myself enough to not feel like I need my family anymore.
I wish more than anything that I could just get over it and let go.
More than anything, my father's stroke has shown me more of the true colors of my family members.
I'm so tired of it.
I hate it.
I'm glad that my dad is better and better enough that he wasn't made a vegetable (because that is SOOO much worse than actually dying from such a thing!). I just hope that the therapists can help him and that if/when he goes back home he doesn't fall back into old habits and actually get worse. I don't trust my mom. She's too busy with her job.

I need a therapist and I need to move away.

Maybe if I leave the state and cut off all communication with them they'll realize I was worth something to them and they'll actually make an effort to include me.

I'm so done.

I'm so angry right now that I could punch a hole in the wall.