WSU band student remembered - News

WSU band student remembered - News

Dr. Holst

I'm not much for writing stuff like this...but I want to share with those I know.

This evening about 5 minutes prior to the beginning of opening night for Peter Pan, 2 of my friends received texts that were shared with me. These texts were not good news. For in that simple communication, we found out that a dear friend, and musician had passed away tonight.

His name is Tanner Holst. I have only known him about a year and a half (I think). He was an early college student. He is 17 years old. Just a young one. :)
He was an AMAZING musician. He played bassoon like it was a part of himself. I have had many opportunities to play with him. First in orchestra, and then this past year in the wsu woodwind quintet. We also played a clarinet-bassoon duet last semester. Even though he was younger, he challenged me as a musician. He could get annoying at times (mostly because he was just better and knew more than me...but anyways), but overall, he is a very good person.

The story goes that last week he came down with a very high fever. I don't know that I saw him at all last week, so I don't know how ill he really was, but a friend of mine said he looked like he was dead (even then). Anyways. What I have heard is that he was diagnosed with pneumonia, but was doing ok until yesterday. Apparently he couldn't breathe, so they took him to the emergency room. He was then life-flighted to Primary Children's (again...so young!). In band we were told that some muscle damage had been done...but I'm not sure what really happened. All I know is that once I heard this news in band today, I had this gut feeling that he might die.

It really was such a freak thing. I think the only thing that is keeping me from breaking down is the knowledge that there HAS to be a bigger plan for him. He really had so much potential to be anything he wanted to be. His life was going far and he was doing well. He actually just passed the first round of auditions for the concerto night on bassoon(via recording, since he was sick during the auditions this past week). The Lord must need him on the other side. That's the only reason I can think of to explain why he got so sick and died. He was only 17! 17-year olds don't die from pneumonia.

Anyways. I'm so thankful to have known him in this life. I have nothing bad to say about him (excpet for maybe he was a little too into playing the bassoon...but it's great that he was passionate about something). He will be missed and it will be a happy day when I get to see him again.

I Cannot Tell a Lie...

I'm VERY depressed right now. Maybe it's the winter blues. Maybe it's the stress of 19 credit hours alongside 2 jobs. Maybe it's the pressure I feel from myself to get out of school asap. Maybe it's the fact that I don't feel wanted by most of who I thought were friends. Maybe it's that I have no goals in life. Maybe it's that I don't get along with my dad, my brother is going down the wrong path and my mom just isn't the same anymore. Maybe it's because even my best friend isn't the best friend in the world. Maybe it's because I only get asked out by guys that are more desperate than I am. Maybe....maybe I'll go jump off a cliff. Ha...I'm too scared to do that...don't worry.

Today was a very good talk given at the CES Fireside by President Monson. I went there hoping for something that might help me figure out something in my life. What I got was a punch in the face...and a trip to the spiritual emergency room. At one point in his talk, he said something to the effect that there are people who have goals. They struggle and work and eventually acheive those goals. Then, there are people who just coast through life. They really have no goals and eventually become lazy and drop out.
I could have left the building sobbing after that comment.
I know that I plan to graduate this semester...but it's not because I made it my goal to get this degree. I never honestly chose my major. I went to the school that gave me the best scholarship. I chose the major that I thought I could do (and was more or less interested in doing) and have been fighting that non-decisive decision ever since. I'm not graduating this semester because of hard work or from a desire to accomplish something. I'm in college because I had nothing else to do. I got offered the scholarship, took it and chose the best major I could from what was listed. I have never seriously wanted to be anything in my life (well...there's one thing...but you can't get that with a degree...). I am lazy. I never choose anything. I'm the most indecisive person I know...and I'm not trying to make that a joke. I am technically dropping out of college. I'll have a degree, but it's not the degree I had originally picked out.

So yeah...basically, I'm a failure.

So, that one thing that I really want... yeah

It's so frustrating. The ONE thing I want in life. The only desire I have. The only thing I feel is worth striving for is getting married and having a family. BUT...apparently life isn't going to happen the way I want it to. I want to have a relatively large family...(not too big...but bigger than what I grew up with). I have yet to even hold the hand of a man. No one seems to find me even worth looking at. Sometimes I can convince myself that I don't want to bother. But every time I almost convince myself that I'm ok with being single, I realize how much I don't want to be alone anymore. What's wrong with me?! Why don't guys find me attractive? I know I have an ugly smile (I really wish I could afford braces) and my face looks terrible (stupid acne) and I'm fat...but I'm a nice person...or so I thought. AND...people that are twice my size get married. People that have even nastier teeth have boyfriends. People that have nastier skin get asked out. What's wrong with me?!

I need to go take a shower and go to bed.