A list:

*Guys that make me smile (on tv)

-David Duchovny
-Jon Kransinski
-Patrick Dempsey

*Movies I enjoy
-Enchanted
-Mama Mia!
-Wall-E
-X-Files (still on the fence about that one actually)

*TV Shows
-X-Files
-Friends
-Everybody Loves Raymond
-Tyler's Ultimate
-Good eats

*Happy & Pleasant Thoughts
-My laptop is fixed and working again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOOO!!!!!!! :):):)
-a little more than 2 weeks left at Subway!
-school starts soon
-the construction will soon be over
-Tux is such a cuttie!
-my bedroom is almost clean!

*Not so Happy Thoughts
-my eyes are burning
-I have to work tomorrow
-I'm broke
-my cats are insane and out of control :)

*Music I'm enjoying
-Train
-Abba/Mama Mia! Soundtrack
-Enchanted Soundtrack
-Beethtoven's 6th and 7th symphonies

*Clothes I enjoy wearing
-my choralaires tour t-shirt
-short capris
-my new skirt
-flip-flops
-my swimsuit (sort of)
-my subway uniform....j/k

*Fun Things I have Done/Will Do This Summer
-Went camping
-Saw fireworks
-Bike Rides
-Swimming
-Running through the sprinklers across the street from my job after I got off :)
-Hike Mount Timpanogas (hopefully)
-Hike Waterfall Canyon
-Flirt with good-looking G.I.s
-Get my first kiss (ha ha...yeah right!)
-Made new friends
-Slept in

*Things I Need to Do
-Go to sleep :)


Goodnight :)

Too Much to Say, Not Enough Patience to Write it All

So, yesterday was a good day. I was in a weird mood all day, so it could've been better, but considering everything, it was still overall very good. I have gotten to the point that I have to set 3 alarms to wake me up in the morning. The night before I set a 4th alarm to remind myself to charge my phone. That 4th and final alarm was the one that woke me up. Sad, huh? So, having thus slept in, I had to hurry to get some clothes in the wash, eat, shower and leave. Where was I leaving? Well, I was going to go get my oil changed, and get some pictures printed, but since I left so late, none of this was accomplished. Oh well. I still had more important things to do. I drove into Taylorsville to visit my dear friend Anni. It was so good to see her. (You really are a cute pregnant lady!) We chatted and looked at photos for awhile and then we went to a movie. We saw Mama Mia! Now, I had only heard of this movie through previews and commercials. She had actually seen it on stage in New York. So, knowing that, we went to Jordan Landing (which I haven't been to in years!) and watched it. The music was fun, the singing was...pretty good (except for Pierce Brosnon's...if it was even him) and the filming was not sickening. But, I realized later that that movie just didn't quite hit the spot for me. I will not express my opinions because you may either disagree with me, or you may not have seen it and I don't want to spoil anything. Just know that I was kind of surprised and let down by the ending.
After the movie we went to Cold Stone. I was shown the wonderfulness of Cold Stone when I was visiting my friend in San Jose, CA between my junior and senior years in high school. When I found out that there was one in Utah, I flipped. Such wonderful ice cream creations! (that was a sentence fragment if I ever saw one!) But, somehow I have never really eaten there again (I think I ate at the one in Provo, but that was it). We both enjoyed a PB & C milkshake. I drank mine a little too fast. It was so wonderful! Oh well. After saying goodbye to my friend I started to head home. As I was driving towards I-80 on SR 201 I literally had my breath taken away and almost started crying. I had a view to kill for. The sun was setting behind an island on the lake. The lake was in full view and there were a few clouds glowing just above thesummit of the island mountain. The sun's rays broke through the clouds and filled the sky with the most beautiful display of natural light I have ever seen! (the power just flickered...I may not get to publish this!) It was hard to keep my eyes on the road as I watched this amazing sunset unfold before my view. The colors in the sky were the deepest oranges, yellows and pinks I have ever seen. There was even some purple towards the end. I just kept hopeing and praying that the sight would last until I got to a rest stop a couple miles away to take some photographs. The rays had disappeared by the time I turned off my vehicle, but the sight was still breath-taking. I took quite a few pictures, but none of them truly portray the beauty I beheld. I need a professional camera. Oh how I wish I could've just stood there and watched the sunset through it's entirety. But, being a single female on a busy highway rest stop like that, I didn't want to stick around until it got dark. And, I had other motives to get to Tooele before a certain time.
X-Files. I remember my science teacher talking about it all the time in high school. When the district gave all the teachers walkie-talkies for security purposes, she and another teacher gave themselves the code names of Molder and Scully. But, I had never actually seen the show. I ended up watching the first movie when my brother had chosen it for a slumber party. I was confused and freaked out. But, nevertheless, I never forgot it (that's for sure). I have a friend that is an avid fan of the show and recent conversations in the past have finally sparked an interest in the show. Just about the same time rumors of another movie came out. After seeing a few previews for the show, I decided to start from episode #1. I rented it and got hooked immediately. So, it only added to my curiosity about the movie. As I was driving home last night I called the hotline for the theater in Tooele and found out that I Want to Believe was playing at 9:35. That was perfect timing. I was not sure if I really wanted to see another movie though. I was tired, and just wanted to be home. But, I fought over the decision until I got to Tooele. I was going to be good and just keep driving. I did keep driving. I passed the theater and commenced on the last 45 miutes of my drive. Once I left the town I just couldn't stop the thoughts of not seeing the movie. So, I caved. I turned around and made it to the theater just in time to buy my ticket, hit the ladies' room and find a seat. The movie started off quickly and tensely. I was excited to see what happened. Well...folks...I was sorely dissappointed. Only having been recently addicted to the show, I don't know as much about it as I should, but my expectations were not met. I still want to believe! :) It was a good movie (a little disturbing at times) if you don't look at it as an X-Files movie, but if you think it's about aliens...it's not.
I think it was good that I saw this movie though. It put me in a mood for the rest of the drive home that I needed to be in. I turned off the radio and had a conversation with myself. There were many tears, and maybe some laughs...I'm not sure. But, we all need to talk to ourselves sometimes. I started saying that I just wanted to be home. But, when I pictured my bed in my bedroom, I wasn't satisfied that that was home. It just wasn't. Then I thought of my bed in my appartment at school. That, I realized, is home. I'm homesick. I want to go back to Ogden. I never want to live here again. My biological family lives here in Dugway, but my spiritual family is in Ogden. (not to say that my biological family isn't my spiritual family) I miss my friends and my life there. School can't start soon enough.
Well, there is a wonderful storm blowing outside. Maybe it will actually rain. And, who knows...I might get to hear that thunder storm I've been waiting all summer to hear. Here's to hoping!
Goodnight!

I'm not sure what to title this...

Wow...a lot has been going on and I'm not sure where to start. I have a lot to type...so bear with me...I may not get to everything...I'd like to though. Maybe if I make a list I won't forget everything. :)
-Work
-Dream
-Roads
-Cats
-...

Hmm....ok

This week has been a whirlwind at work. Monday night Patty (the main supervisor ...not manager, but supervisor) found out that she was hired at a new job. So, Tuesday she turned in her uniform and quit. Our workforce is this : Jam'e (the manager), Cori and me. Now, some may not know this...about 2 months ago a supervisor position opened up. I applied for it. I got turned down because I couldn't commit to being around for a year. So, no one is in that position as of right now. Guess what...I just got temporarily promoted to supervisor today. I'm excited about the pay increase ($2/hour more than what I'm getting now) and the little bit of...ha ha ha I feel about it. But, I really hate Subway right now. I dread going to bed at night because I know what awaits me when I wake up. I haven't had any desire to work out, nor the time and energy. I can't go swimming, and I can barely escape the town for one day a week. This job (as I recall from previous experiences) is a nightmare. :) When I was temporarily promoted to supervisor last time I worked there (wait...I think I'm experiencing some deja vu!) I was able to describe my experiences as this...
I unlock the gate walk past it, and lock myself back in. I am now in my gilded cage. I am imprisoned. There is no way out. I must move forward, but to move forward is to give in to the hell that is my job.
Well...it wasn't quite like that...but I'm not digging it up to see what I said exactly. That was 2 years ago...But I do remember calling it my gilded cage. I do admit. It isn't nearly as bad this time as it was last time. But I tell you this...I am eagerly counting down the days until I am going back to school. 2 weeks until I put in my 2 weeks. :) JOY!
(oh and another reason I'm glad that I'm almost done with this job is this...I think I'm getting arthritis in my thumb from squeezing the sauce bottles too much. It hurts to put any presure on it. I'm worried, because that is the weight-bearing thumb when I play my clarinet)

So, sometime last night I had a very strange dream. I don't know why, but it has really stuck with me and I can't stop thinking about it. It wasn't a great dream by any means, but there was enough in it that I wish some of it would come true...to a certain extent at least. The dream started out with me finding out that I had to be married within 2 days or something really bad would happen (I don't remember what...if I ever knew). So, I was set up to marry someone. Now, in real life, this guy was in my student ward last year. He is a great person, and I could see myself easily developing a crush on him, but anyways... In my dream his name was the one I was supposed to marry. It came time to get married and I had to pick out a dress. There was a rack of dresses. These dresses were many different shapes, styles, colors and sizes. I wasn't even sure if my marriage was going to be in the temple, but I tried to find a white dress in case. There was nothing in white that fit me that I could find. But, then someone found a simple, beautiful white skirt and shirt combination dress that fit me perfectly. We got married...but it wasn't the guy I was supposed to marry. He turned into another guy that in real life was the fiance of a dear friend of mine (that just recently broke up the engagement oddly enough). I couldn't tell you where the marriage was, but it happened. The reception came next. It was a pool party. I can't help but laugh when I think about it. :) The pool was full. At one point there were these huge guys...ninjas??? (maybe...whatever they were, they wer HUGE!...like Cronk on Emporer's New Groove)) having a swimming contest/race thing and they almost swam right over me. Then, I tried to hug my husband. I barely knew the guy, but I figured that we should at least try (or something like that). Everytime I would try to hold on to him or talk to him he would find a distraction and ignore me. I woke up from this dream before we left the pool...but nothing had come of my trying to communicate with him.
I don't know why, but I really just feel so weird about this dream. Maybe it's just my inner girl trying to tell me that I do in fact want to get married someday. Maybe it was just completely random. Who knows. All I know is that it's got me feeling anxious about maybe trying to have a dating life this year or something. (Dating...what's that like?) But, I don't think I want to get into that soap box right now. Anyways...

Yeah...I don't want to get into that...I might say too much :)

(I wasn't kidding when I was 'singing' on a previous blog..."I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss...")

Well... I don't think I'm going to get to everything on my list. I do have one random story....
I went to get on my bike this morning to head to work and found a rather large spiderweb from the tire to the handlebar. I feel kind of bad, but I turned on the hose and sprayed it off. I think the spider was still on the wheel when I took off. The web was beautiful. It wasn't just a cobweb or anything. It was like those webs you see in pictures. When I saw the spider though, I got creeped out a bit. It was a pale almost transparent yellow cream color. I'm not sure what kind of spider it was, since I've never seen one like that, but it was creepy and scary enough for me to try to kill it...and I don't kill bugs unless I absolutely have to. I really hate doing it. But, spiders are definately a weak point. Anyways....

My cats are terrorizing the house right now. They are absolutely wild! Cute, but VERY wild. My mom uses a placemat to put under their food dishes. She had to take it away when they started diving under it and sending their food flying all over the floor. They have somehow gotten ahold of the placemat again and are sliding it all around the living room. They coo, run and dive. Usually they run into something and back away...then start all over again. I think they may be possesed. :)

Well...I think I need to go to bed. It's not insanely late, but I'm tired. If I can just make it through 2 more days I will survive. I can't wait for Saturday! I get to go visit my wonderful friend Anni. (I'm sure you may read this Anni...but I'm going to type it anyways) Anni and I met in band about 3??? years ago. We were stand partners...or wait...did we just sit next to each other?...I can't remember). As I recall one day I felt very strongly that I needed to invite her over to watch Survivor with me (it was a big deal to watch that show back then!). She ended up coming over (maybe another day or something...I'm not sure) and ...after a few more times hanging out she became my best friend at school. Unfortunately (just kidding ;)) she got married...ha ha...it's not unfortunate at all, but now I rarely get to hang out with her. It's really sad. Our lives have gone their separate ways and I really miss being around her. Crap...I'm crying...now I can't read the screen. But, on a happier note, she is pregnant. I'm so happy for her and I can't wait to see her cute pregnant belly :) Saturday can't get here soon enough! (only 3 more days Anni!!! Yahoo!!!) :)

Well...it is almost midnight. I didn't think it was that late. I need to go to bed.
Goodnight!

"I Must Confess..."

...("that my lonliness is killing me now....hit me baby one more time...")
ha ha...couldn't resist. :)

I'm not that lonely...trust me. :)

But, I do have a bit of a confession to make. It is rather a silly thing, but I must say it. I must get this load off my shoulders! ....not really...

Today I went to town (again...2nd time this week!)...on my way back home I stopped at the local (45 miles away) Walmart. I used to have a movie buying compulsion. I used to buy movies every week or so (as long as my paycheck held out). I finally realized it was a problem and put an end to it. Because of that, I rarely buy movies anymore. But, today was bad for me. I purchased 4 movies! It's not as bad as it sounds though. (oh...and the movie buying is not the confession...) The checkout lines were incredibly long, so I decided to wait it out looking at the movie racks. I only checked out the $7.50 rack (at first). I was about to move on when I saw the jackpot. Two video cases that included double features. So, I could purchase 4 movies for the price of...well...$15, plus tax. It was too good to pass up. The real reason it was such a good buy was because of the movies.
My confession is this. I have an obsession with bad sci-fi disaster movies. It's really out of the blue. The acting is usually terrible, the plots are usually very far-fetched, the computer graphics are sub-standard. The list goes on and on as to why these movies are just so bad. But, I love them. I don't know why. Maybe because they make me laugh. Lately I've caught myself checking the sci-fi channel just to see if any of those types of movies are on. It's terrible! :) The one I just watched tonight is called 10.5. It is about a series of earthquakes that hits the West. In the end...well...let's just say a lot of shaking and destruction occurs. I enjoyed it...although it was almost 3 hours long. Oh well. It made up for not getting to see Dark Knight this weekend. Anyways....
It's late and I need to go to bed. I get to lead music again tomorrow! (~joy~)
Night!

Energizer Bunny

Oh man...it's after midnight and I have already blogged enough for the day...but I just want to write. I have so much bottled up inside of me right now. I have had the idea of a blog for some time now. I have a title and at least one line of text to fill it up with. The title would be "Things I Learned While Working at Subway." I suppose I could count this as a rough draft for now.
"Things I Learned While Working at Subway"
1. Be ready to work when your shift starts....don't be getting ready.
2. Lunch rush is always busy, even when it's not.
3. Someone will always come in just as you finish covering the last cambro of veggies or meat.
4. Silpat...*shudder*... it's a new swear word.
5. Meets and veggies should be used within 48-72 hours after being prepared.
6. The cash register will beep constantly when the power goes out, until the back-up battery dies.
7. Footlong, wheat, roast beef with pepperjack cheese, toasted. All the veggies, red-wine vinegarette, salt and pepper. (don't ask)
8. CO2 tanks sound like they are going to explode when they are empty.
9. Bagging ice...not so fun.
10. Be prepared to work on your day off, even if you scheduled it off.
11. You will always come home smelling like italian herbs and cheese bread.
12. Subway does pizza! (at least ours does....mwa ha ha!)
13. The only difference between Italian Herbs & Cheese bread and Monterey cheese bread is the italian seasoning.
14. Italian bread is just plain white bread.
15. Filling the soda machine with ice is a good way to build a nice bicep (yes...only one, unless you use boths hands...but I usually don't)
16. All of the attractive men that come through are already taken.
17. Most of the customers enjoy being harassed.
18. ACBIRC....*shudder*....another curse word
19.GI's can pretty hot!
20. I know what day it is when someone asks for a sub of the day.
21. Moday=Turkey/Ham
Tuesday=Meatball
Wednesday=Turkey
Thursday=BMT
Friday=Tuna
Saturday=....I don't work Saturdays enough to know
22. Subway Club Card point system
10=cookie
15=chips
20=21oz. drink
50=6" sub
75=1' sub (double meat not included)

eh...I guess I'm done for now....with that at least... :)

I just realzied that I'm covered with cat fur. No wonder my eyes are itching like crazy and my nose is drippy.

...I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss...

I suppose I will just continue writing down random thoughts.

I've been working out almost everyday for over a month now...I thought I was losing weight....I was wrong. I'm about to give up. I think I need more than just an exercise routine and some changes in my eating habbits. I need help! But, I can almost run 2 miles in 25 minutes now. I know...it's not a lot, but when I was in 4th grade I could barely run around the track once without dying (~yay asthma~). This is a big deal for me. I need to run more often. It's actually not that bad. I love to go to the gym...working out is fun. If I were good enough, maybe I'd think about going into being a physical fitness instructor....ha ha ha....nice idea....I'll keep dreaming. :)

I just realized the other night that I have almost gone an entire year without a major crush on anyone. No wonder my life has been so weird lately! (of course, my last crush has been slowly dying over the past year since I found out that the guy was engaged, but the end was official in december...actually...maybe even before that) I need to have a crush on someone again. My life needs some excitement.

My cat likes to watch the computer screen. She's silly. :)

...how does she know that you love her?...

I wish one could type in pitch. I would so sing on this blog right now. I finally got the soundtrack to Enchanted yesterday. I brought it to work and sang along to pretty much every song I could while doing the dishes. My supervisor got a kick out of it apparently. :) I love to sing sometimes...even when I know I don't sound too pretty.

Nothing is more relaxing than having a sweet, soft, warm kitten crawl upon your shoulder and pur in your ear. I love my kitties! Oh wait...I suppose 1 kitten on each shoulder is even better...but I guess I won't get that privilege tonight. :( They've gone back to terrorizing the house again.

I need to go to bed. I do have to go to Ogden. Oi. I don't want to drive! I barely have enough $$$ for gas and food this time...Ok...I'm done. Your suffering is over...if you even made it this far. :)
Goodnight for real this time.
:)

Sirens and Practicing

Today after we (Subway) closed, as I was cleaning up the place trying to get out I heard a siren go off. This siren has been going off a lot lately. It sounds like a bomb siren or something. The first time I heard it (on Saturday I think) I just assumed that it was the town warning system malfunctioning. If that is the case, it has been malfunctioning a lot lately. It's getting annoying to be honest. While I was at work trying to clean up and heard it go off again, it really creeped me out. Our Subway our here is in our local bowling alley. The building itself is not huge, but it is relatively large (there's about 14 lanes or so...maybe less, maybe more..I'm not sure). So, with all of the main lights off, the cloudy and windy weather outside and my supervisor counting down the register, it just really gave me the creeps. I felt like I was in some sci-fi movie or something. The siren had this erie tone about it. Oh well...I don't think anything will come of it. I HOPE nothing comes of it :)

In other things in my life, I have re-discovered an old friend. I got to know this friend well last summer. This friend challenged me in ways I've never been challenged before. I had many battles and victories with this friend. When school got out this last semester, I began to neglect it. I didn't think I would miss it that much, but these last few days have proven to me that my bond to this friend is strong and I should never take it for granted.

Too bad this friend isn't a guy...huh? :) That would be cool. If that were the truth, I should be married to it though. I pay it too much lip service to not be. Oh man...this is getting weird.

My friend that I am referring to is my clarinet. I haven't practiced it at all this summer. I played it a little bit for a few performances the week after school got out, but have only gotten it out once since then. Last week I finally ordered some new reeds and decided to start playing again. I could barely play for a half hour yesterday before my lips gave out completely. Today I got closer to 45 minutes. I wanted to keep playing, but I could barely play a few measures before losing control. (and, I had to eat lunch before going back to work) Last summer I spent hours a day practicing, preparing for my senior recital. I had music that I loved and I was anxious to learn the music so I could perform it for my friends and family. Right now I don't have much to work on. I'm done with recitals and I don't have any band music as of right now. So, it's back to the basics. Scales, arppeggios, and etudes. I played through a couple of etudes today and realized just how much I miss performing. When I play, the music takes over and I become engrossed in playing what I feel. Feeling the vibrations of the reed in my mouth and face and fingers, hearing the beautiful tones of the clarinet, and knowing that I was creating music was just a wonderful feeling. My friends, I never want to stop playing. It hurts me physically sometimes, but it is so worth the pain. Sometimes I can't even move my hand after playing, and talking can become difficult, but I'm better at communicating through music anyways. :) I think I finally have a dream in life. I want to play in a professional recording orchestra. I want to be heard on a movie soundtrack. Even if it's just one time. I don't know if this will ever happen. But, I sure as heck want to try to make it happen! When I practice I fight some of my worst demons. Today the thoughts of quitting were extremely strong in my mind, but I just kept playing. Ah...it felt SO good! It may not have been the prettiest sound sometimes, but I didn't give up. Some fight their demons while running, dancing or whatever. I fight mine by playing. I'm sure any musician can understand what I'm talking about here. I can't wait to get back to school to work on playing more music. Etudes can only go so far :) (now all I need is a new clarinet...ha ha ha... I really want a new one before we go to New York in April...*sigh*, I have a good clarinet, but it has many flaws in it and there are some amazing new models out there that totally blow away mine) (I could totally go nerdy right now on the clarinets I want to try out...but since they cost over $5000....I won't waste your or my time on it :)) Well...I think that's all for now.

Tomorrow is my last day of driving up to Ogden for my job at the dance studio for awhile. Summer classes end tomorrow. I'm actually kind of nervous, since the children will be performing for their parents tomorrow...and I'm the music. Last time they used a cd. This time they get live, improvised music. I've still got a LONG ways to go before I feel comfortable improvising in front of people. Last week was amazing. They started doing their warm ups and I just tried to play to their movements. All of a sudden, melodies and such started flowing from my hands. It was one of the coolest experiences in my life! I don't know how it happened, but it did. I sure hope I can do it again tomorrow. I want those children to have the best music possible to dance to. Oi. I better not psych myself out of anything. Ah. I need to stop. Goodnight ya'll! :) (Achoo!....stupid allergies!)

Oops!

So, I had an interesting day today. I barely woke up on time to get to church looking decent. I walked into Relief Society and there were maybe 4 empty chairs. My mom and I had to separate. She sat in the back while I got a front row seat (joy). I keep forgetting that once a month the Young Women come in to Relief Society for the opening stuff. We all get to stand and say the YW theme, which is kind of fun actually. But, for the most part, it's kind of weird. Oh well. Just as they dismissed the YW to their classes I had to leave to go practice with the Young Men for their musical number in Sacrament meeting today. Oh man...these boys barely open their mouths! I did what I could to act like a conductor (since the one who was in charge of this whole thing was sick), but since I was at the piano behind where they were standing, I didn't help much. The YM leaders don't really know much about singing. But, thankfully, the Bishop walked in and saved the day. It was quite an experience. After a few minutes of running through the song, I left and returned to RS. I had missed about half of the lesson and had a very faint hint of what we were discussing. It seemed to be a good lesson. Then we had Sunday School. I enjoy that class right now. A recently returned missionary is teaching the class right now. He is a year younger than me. We've known each other probably since we were babies, but have never really talked to one another. It is so nice to have him teach the class. He doesn't fool around with anything. He teaches the lesson as-is. And...I have to say, he has grown into quite an attractive young man. (if only he were taller than me! AH!) Awhile back age used to be so important to me. I used to think that I wanted to marry someone that is older than me. I'm now beginning to change that opinion. There are many young men out there that are just as good, if not better than those that are older than me. (And there's more of them...oh dear) I don't think I'm developing a crush on him, but the possibility is there. It's weird. And...even weirder still, his mom started talking to me today after the meetings. I don't think I've ever said more than 10 words at a time to her in the past. It was weird. But, kind of nice. She always has this appearance about her that has kind of scared me away, but she's really a nice person. Wouldn't that be funny if ....anyways....never mind.
In Sacrament meeting I had a really different viewpoint. The same person that had organized the musical number (that was sick) is also the conductor. She asked if I could sub for her. So, I got to lead the music today. It's not like I haven't done it before, but I was actually kind of nervous. Thankfully, my mom was playing the organ, so things went amazingly well. :)
The speakers were 2 very special people in my life. This couple has lived here for 33 years. The father has been the counselor at the high school for that entire time I believe. He was the Bishop for most of my high school years. The mother was my piano teacher. She was also my seminary teacher for 3 of my 4 years there. They have 8 children. All 8 served missions. All but 2 are married. One of their daughters gave me my clarinet lessons during high school (as few as they were). At one point I was even ~madly in love~ with one of their sons. That's a whole 'nother story though. (sigh) :) Anyways. To sum it up, this family has had a great influence on me and my family throughout the years. The father recently underwent chemo-therapy for 2 different rounds of cancer. He's been fighting it for about 2 years now. As far as I know, he's in remission. But, he can no longer work. So, at the end of the summer they will be moving. They will be leaving Dugway for good. They will truly be missed. Even thinking about it now makes me get teary-eyed. I truly love their family. They spoke and gave great talks. (words cannot describe what I'm feeling right now) Between their talks was the musical number with the YM. Wow...it was pathetic. But, they tried and did a good job for what they were. More than half of them had dissappeared between the practice that morning and the actual singing. Oh well.
We got home and ate lunch. We sat around and talked for awhile. (oh...we= ma, pa and me) I fell asleep on the couch and had a nice 2-hour nap. When I woke up I walked around for a bit and suddenly realized...oh dear. Tonight was the Pioneer Fireside that my choir was singing in. I was never planning on going (it's a great thing, but I just don't want to drive that much and I really can't be spending $40 on gas every other day to go to town). But, I forgot one huge thing. I never told Bro. Simon. OOPS! How could I do such a dumb thing. I am usually very responsible when it comes to things like that. Oh well I guess. Can't do anything about it now. But, I respect Bro. Simon a great deal and I don't want him to lose any possible respect he may have for me. I don't know if I will ever be singing in Choralaires again, but I wouldn't want to ruin any chance of returning. Yikes...that wasn't the smartest thing to do. I'm sure the firseide went well though. I sat in the audience last time. The choir did well. I couldn't tell you much about the actual talks, but the choir did well. :) Well, I want to go look at the pretty clouds before it gets too much darker. I love it when it gets like this. I guess we're supposed to be getting some rain this week. Yahoo!. Anyways...until next time...

Huh...

Well, I was going to write an entire blog about how I almost quit my job today. I am being compelled to work tomorrow, when I was scheduled to be off. AND my roommate's bridal shower is tomorrow. I was planning on going. But, now I won't. I'm so beyond frustrated that I can't even begin to express it. But, that's all I want to say about it. I have been so angry this past week. I don't like it. There are many reasons for my built up impending doom, but I'm not sure how to get rid of it. Hormones are key in this I'm sure. Stupid hormones. Sometimes I hate being a female. I know that I haven't been on top of my exercising this week (I missed 2 days!) and I haven't been as good about my eating habbits as I was in the beginning of this new endeavor to lose weight. But, it just seems so unreal that I can feel so much anger. When I was driving to and from Ogden on Wednesday I nearly got in about 4 or 5 accidents. The stress and anger I felt was insane! At one point, I was crying and screaming at no one because I just wanted to be home and off the road. It was a really long, tiresome, scary night. I saw my friends, but didn't have much time to talk to them. That sucked. I really wish I was closer so I could spend more time with the people I care about. I have no social life here. I'll have the occaisional flirt with a G.I. or see a familiar face come through the line at work, but if they're not asking about my brother or my dad, they really don't have much to say to me. I have grown up a very shy person. In junior high I would sit in the hallway at lunch and cower as people walked by. It has been a long, hard road to get to where I am today...and I'm not that far up the path. Any chance I have to strengthen my friendships is a big deal for me. It's so hard not to mention my anger and other emotions about having to work tomorrow. I have not called in sick once this entire summer. I have not left work early because of being sick. I have worked my hardest, and yet, on a day that is important for me to be there for someone else, I can't. I have covered for my manager too many times. If anything else like this happens again, if I'm still working, it will be my last day. We are required to have an advanced notice if our schedule is changing. Less than 24 hours is not too cool if you ask me. And, to be honest, I understand the situation, but the manager has no sympathy to my situation. And, she was sitting on her butt in town today and not working when she was originally scheduled to work. I don't even know how I can handle this situation tomorrow. I don't even want to look at her. But, since it is just going to be her and me working tomorrow, I suppose I'll have to communicate with her about something sooner or later. I guess that's my biggest fear. I'm not used to standing up for myself. I'm shy and easily walked over. I'm tired of it, but I guess I'm just too nice (meaning that I try to care about the other person's feelings and I try to be understanding). I'm afraid that if the boss mentions anything about the situation, I'll get tense. I'll try to say something, but she'll come up with something that will make me feel bad and I'll shut down and lose the battle (it happens everytime). I can't let this happen tomorrow, but I'm so scared that it will. I literally had less than 30 minutes to decide whether or not I would be working tomorrow or handing in my uniform. To be honest, I felt pretty darn good about quitting. But, I'm at a point where I need the money. I just found out how much I will be getting for my scholarship this year. It won't even cover tuition, let alone fees, rent, books, and lessons. Weber is a relatively cheap school, but it's still expensive. I just don't know what to do anymore. I need the money, but I feel terrible for choosing money over my friends.
Well, once again, I've stayed up too late. I suppose I should get some sleep so I can function at work. I really just want to get up, get ready, fold up my work shirts, drive to the Subway, clean out my locker and hand in the shirts. Then I would go fill up my car and head to Roy for the bridal shower. (By the way, this shower is for my former roommate, Charla. We had our riffs every once and awhile, but we went through so much together last year. We survived a kayaking accident, we had a drugged/alcoholic roommate problem, she put up with me and my stresses, and I did my best to put up with hers. She was a sister and a friend.) If I could control it, I might even leave a few choice words. But, I don't forsee that happening. Not like it would even bother the manager anyways. She's so heartless sometimes, it's hard to believe that she has what she has in terms of family relationships. She and I work together well, and we can have a good conversation, but she has turned out to be so 2-faced it's not even funny. I don't think she knows it, but it's hard to tell anyways. I just don't get it. Maybe I will quit. I guess we'll see. It's just not worth it anymore.
Goodnight...(goodmorning)

Irritable Syndrome

I'm kind of in an onery mood right now, so know that you've been warned. (Mika is 7676....just uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu\\\\\\\\\\\\
hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn]






'''''''''.....that was my cat....Mika is now an official blogger...:) anyways....I was going to say that she was sitting next to the computer watching the words on the screen. It was kind of cute. Anywho...

So, as some may know, I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). It was discovered when I was trying to go on a mission. I've always had problems with my stomach, but never thought much of it...other than the fact that our family is very...intestinally challenged. Anyways. It got so bad that I was on the verge of throwing up every morning. My papers were ready to turn in (minus the meeting with the stake president). I was so ready to just wait for that white envelope. But, I couldn't let the nausea control my life anymore. My day at work would consist of walking in, holding back the heaves, get a sprite and wait until about 2 before I could get myself to eat anything. I went to the doctor and described my problems. He started asking me some other non-related questions like..."Have you done anything fun in the past few months? Are you happy with your life right now? " and such other questions that would make one cry if they were to answer no, which I did. He told me that my stomach irritability was realated to low seretonin levels. At first it made sense. I went on anti-depressants and anti-acids. They helped for the first months of my treatment. When I first went on those meds, he told me that it would be at least 3 months before I would be allowed to go on a mission. Since I was so desperately missing my life in Ogden and quickly losing my faith in everything, I went back to school. My stomach problems cooled down for a bit. School was hard. It had been difficult before, but this was a whole new level of a nightmare. I was still feeling the nausea on a weekly, sometimes daily basis. I was struggling with my classes and my playing. It was tough, but it felt so good to be back in school. I felt happy (or so I thought...when you feel as crappy as I did for that long, just a smile from a friend makes your whole week go better). I stayed in Ogden for the summer and worked at (you guessed it) Subway. I walked to work everyday and then walked to campus to go practice for 3-4 hours. Then I would walk back home and study since I was taking a couple of classes. The nausea came back with a vengence at times, but I survived. Fall semester started amidst a hellish summer ending. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Needless to say, my nerves were shot and my stomach problems got worse. At one point during the semester my band director complimented me on losing weight. Funny thing was, I had not been trying to lose weight. I just couldn't eat anything without wanting to throw up. It was terrible. I wanted to be glad that I had lost weight, but I knew that it wasn't because of good changes in my lifestyle or anything. Somehow, the spring semester turned out better. I'm pretty sure the only reason I didn't have as many problems was because I was being watched over. I had my senior recital, a huge concert in Reno, and many other crazy things going on in my life. If my stomach had been bothering during that time, I don't think I could've made it. I really don't. When the last couple weeks of school came around, my stomach problems came back. I started feeling this terrible stabbing pain in my upper abdomen. I went to the campus doctor and he gave me some super strong anti-acids and said that it was probably an ulcer. Joy. Just what I needed. I took the presciption for a week. There was a coupon offer on it, so the week-long supply only cost about $10. When I found out how much the full prescription would cost ($175 for a month), I kind of laughed and said...yeah right. The week-long trial turned out to be very helpful. I really wish that I could afford that medicine. But, c'est la vie. Anyways. The summer has gone by with it's ups and downs. But lately, the downs have been more frequent and definately worse. I'm trying the activia stuff, but it's not too helpful right now. I'm about to lose it. It's really annoying when you can't even work becuase your stomach is so upset. So, in a sense, the name of the problem, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, has a sort of double meaning. It really is irritating. So, SO irritating. I need to get health insurance so I can actually go to a doctor...a gastrointerologist even...for help. I can't take it anymore. Seriously.
Oh...and the worst of it is...I'm trying to eat better foods. But, apparently that is making things worse. Junk food doesn't upset my tummy nearly as much as oh...say...a bowl of edemame or a handful of nuts. Grr....

Anyways...that's just one irritation in my life right now. I'm not sure I want to go into anymore. Although, the previous blog is definately one example.

I can't wait to move back to Ogden. I just have to say that I'm ready to leave here, once and for all. The people bother me and I hate my job. Ah...I said it. I hate my job. I wish I could just sleep in tomorrow, recover from my latest stomach issue, do my laundry and clean up my room. (I need to start getting ready to move back...oish!) Wow...this is not such a cool blog. Sorry. :) Oh well. It feels good to get it out of my system a bit. Not like it will solve my problems, but it sure released some of the stress I'm feeling. Oh, and by the way...I feel like I want to mention that I am no longer on any meds for any of the above problems. I have come to the conclusion that some problems can be helped by spiritual and physical means, not chemical. There are some times when medicines are the only way to go, but I think that our bodies are already too full of cheimcals and such. My depression and anxiety have definately calmed down since I started being more active and actually reading my scriptures more often ;). It's amazing. :)

Friendships and Frustrations.

As I sit here, bleeding and falling asleep, I want to write a few of my thoughts. (the bleeing is because my cats have decided that they like jumping onto my thigh whilst bearing their claws. I'm NOT a climbing post!)
I recent event has me wondering...what have I done?
As in previous emails, I have mentioned a certain friend. I grew up calling him Danny. He now goes by Dan, but I can't bring myself to call him that. It's just not right! We have a very interesting relationship. At the age of...5??? he gave me my first(and only still) kiss on the cheek at a primary activity. We never really spoke after that (that I can remember...I believe I was embarassed or something...I'm not sure). He moved away and somehow we ended up keeping in touch. He and his family moved to Japan. Talk about your long-distance relationship. In high school we rarely even said hello to one another. But, when we got online after he moved, it was like we were best friends. It's weird how typing something makes it so much easier to converse with one another. He got his mission call after graduating from high school and went to Canada for 2 years. I wrote him and received letters and emails from him. From my point of view, I was being a supportive friend; someone other than a family member to write to. Well, I guess he didn't see it that way. I hoped he wouldn't see that way, but apparently he did. When he got back he asked if we could try the realtionship thing. I agreed to it, but quickly realized a lot of things that weren't right. First of all, I'm not extremely attracted to him. Second, he doesn't live in the same state (he was now at BYUI). Third, he kept promising me he'd write me, and I wouldn't hear from him for weeks...even months.
At one point, I did really start to like him. (I wonder now though if that wasn't lust) We had a sort-of-date after he got home from his mission and it was just weird for me. I didn't know exactly how I felt about him still, since I hadn't really seen him in person since ...oh about 3 years previously. We walked around Temple Square and had some driving time together (all of which I did on a cold, rainy winter night....and I'm a terrible driver...I'm sure I scared him to death). I must have been feeling something (lust maybe???) since I actually made it a point to make my hand available for holding. I wanted so badly for my hand to be held. No such luck. I guess that kind of woke me up as to what I was actually doing. I believe now that I was trying to go through the motions because of the opportunity. You know...I actually thought that there might've been the chance of us getting married. We've known each other for so long, and our converstaions were so fun sometimes (sometimes weird) that I thought, hey...a few dates and who knows? maybe he might ask me....HA....boy was I stupid! I was really stupid.
After that, we never really had a chance to meet again. He went off to college and so did I. Let's see...I don't remember exactly when this happened, but it was at least a year...if not closer to 3 years ago... he ended up having a chance to come visit me. I cleaned up my apartment and got excited to see him. I had my phone with me, turned up and on vibrate so I would know he was calling to let me know he was there. I waited and waited. I think it was either the next day or 2 days later I got an email (or phone call...not sure) telling me that he was sorry he didn't make it. This was the realy deal breaker for me. I realized that it wasn't nor should it happen. Long-distance relationships take a lot of work. This was not working. Now....fast-forward to the past couple of weeks...
I have been feeling very bothered by the fact that the last time I heard from him was in an ecard for my birthday (in February). It bothered me so badly that finally, yesterday, I wrote him about it. I have never talked to ANYONE like this before. I am usually so passive that I let pretty much anything slide. Maybe I'm finally growing up and learning to speak up...who knows. But, I wrote him and tolf him that it was bothering me that he hadn't written me in so long. Now, realize, that I have told him multiple times by now that I don't like him like that and that I just want to be friends (a terrible thing to say, but whatever). I really don't feel anything for him, so it really bothers me that I was bothered at all that he hadn't written me. But, nevertheless, I wrote a fairly stern email expressing my feelings about the situation. No sooner had I sent it then I decided to check my email. Guess what...
I had an email from him. Go figure! It was very short and had no substance to it at all. So, yeah...this is a fine mess I've gotten myself into. Complaining about lack-of-communication in a relationship that doesn't really exist...what's wrong with me?!
Well...I had so much more to blog about, but I'm tired, and it's super late. I will be heading up to Ogden again tomorrow. It's a great reason to go (fun job, sing with my friends), but the gas money just isn't worth it sometimes.
Goodnight (or rather, Good morning!)