Confession

I don't want to do massage therapy anymore. I'm too exhausted and I don't enjoy it like I enjoy music. :(
The end.

Clinic

Yesterday was a landmark in my schooling experience.
Yesterday I started the student clinic.

Student clinic is an interesting experience.

All of the classrooms have curtain dividers. On Thursday night before leaving class for the week we all get to 'set up for clinic.' For each curtained area we place a desk and a massage table. Saturday morning each classroom becomes a massage spa-like place. (But not really...the building is kind of nasty and not really conducive to relaxing)
My clinic shift started at 12:30 when I got to the building. I checked in, grabbed lotion and 5 face pad covers. I then struggled to figure out what else I was supposed to do. But, I eventually got it. Sort of. After setting up my first table I went and got my first client. She was absolutely delightful. Moans of happiness came out of her and she left me saying she wished she could request me next time (which isn't a possibility unfortunately). I grabbed my next client feeling really excited and glad I had chosen massage therapy. I felt pretty good about life at that moment. My second client requested only posterior work, so I never had to flip him over. It was really nice actually. I got to spend more time on his back and I got to use my Reflexology skills that I haven't used since January (since he requested a foot massage). He left a $4 tip on the table for me. Oh how I wish I could keep it. But, alas, students are not allowed to accept tips of any kind. The money, which I very desperately need, is still in my bag waiting for a new owner. :( I kind of want to cry about that honestly.
After starting on my third client (who slept through most of the massage by the way) I realized I was not doing so well. My back was hurting, A LOT. I was quickly becoming exhausted and running out of any kind of energy. My ankle, (which I rolled almost 2 months ago during the wallet incident) was starting to give out. My fourth client was sweet. She almost flashed me though. I went to take the bolster out from under her ankles and she went ahead and started flipping over. That was fun. :-/ My fifth client requested light work and I was about to rejoice because it was about all I had left in me, but then I started working on him. Light for him was pretty deep. By the time I left the building I was so exhausted I could barely walk.

I had started off strong and excited, but I left feeling so exhausted and not ready to go through that again anytime soon. It was good to see the relaxation and happy looks on their faces when they left, but I personally did not feel a ton of joy. 

I look back and remember the feeling of joy when a piano student improved, when they learned something new, or when I was able to help them in some way. I may have had anxiety attacks before going in to teach each time, but I really miss how I felt afterwards. I miss feeling like I had had a greater influence on someone. I also miss the joy from performing on stage with an amazing orchestra. I miss being a musician. That rush was unlike anything else. Performing a massage is nice, but it's not the same.

I really hope I can finish school so I can at least say I finished and got my license so the past year won't have been an entire waste. But, it's going to take a miracle for that to happen.
I'm so completely exhausted. My body has never hurt this much before. I actually woke up in the middle of the night because I was so uncomfortable and in pain.
I've NEVER felt this exhausted in my entire life.

My job is also driving me nuts and taking every ounce of energy possible. I've almost walked out a couple of times now. I love the people I work with, but it's not worth it to me anymore.

I had hoped to find a job outside of Utah once I graduated, but it's looking like I'm going to need to find a new job now, which means committing to being there for awhile. Most jobs like to hire for long-term (well, most jobs I'd like to apply for at least).

I don't know what to do. I'm starting to get the feeling that I had about medical assisting. When I started working towards becoming a medical assistant I got the feeling that I wouldn't finish.

I've dug myself into too much debt to give up, especially this far into the program. But, honestly, I don't know that I can physically, emotionally, AND mentally make it until December. I really don't.