An implosion...of sorts

You know, Thanksgiving came and left so quickly that I don't think it's sunk in that it's over yet. I was so anxious for the long weekend. I was so super stressed out from school, work and my many other lives. But, the week of Thanksgiving came and I found the strength to carry on. Somehow, I'm surviving amazingly well. I don't feel stressed out, and I don't feel as if there is a huge cloud of doom hanging over my head. Yet, Thanksgiving came, and now it's over. I didn't even notice it. I had a crappy weekend. I drove every day I had off from school. I got to see my family, but it wasn't comfortable for me. My brother wasn't there. I haven't seen him since last Christmas. I miss him something fierce. I didn't have any sisters. I only had my little brother. Even though I resented and envied him a great deal sometimes (as all siblings do at some point), I love him to death. He's my brother. He's part of me and who I am. Not being around him is starting to take its toll on me. Then, I had a day with an old friend. It was nothing short of awkward for me. I won't go into details, but I will say that I hope I never have to relive that day. I wasn't myself and it was just weird. I was holding in anger and irritations. I don't recommend doing that. Sunday I went to my home ward. It was weird. I don't belong there anymore. My family doesn't really belong either. They need to move away.
To be honest, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Well...almost anywhere. I feel at home when I'm at work, and when I'm in a practice room. hmm....food for thought. I feel thin...sort of stretched-like butter scraped over too much bread... (name that quote!). Then, this week has flown by without warning. Tomorrow is the last day of normal classes for the semester. I'm not ready for it to be over with to be honest.
So, today was the dress rehearsal for the Institute Christmas show. I can't believe it's time to do the show already. I've done the show so many times that it doesn't feel special anymore. I'm frustrated with some of the songs we're singing (arrangements, and changes that were made to perfectly good pieces that shouldn't've been made...anyways), I'm also frustrated with feeling like part of the choir. I am sort of an accompanist (which is like a dream come true for me), and I can sing for the most part. But, when it comes to the social aspect, I feel pretty much like an outcast. I have a few friends that I can be friendly with. I have even less that I feel like I can really talk to. Most of the people around me I feel seem to ignore my existence altogether. Which, I guess, I haven't given them much reason to notice me, but still...I'm extremely shy. Anyways. At one point in the rehearsal tonight it all sort of hit me. I felt unwanted and unwelcome. I didn't want to be there anymore. All of a sudden, my inner world came crashing down. I couldn't stop the tears. I hate crying. It shows how weak I am. It also attracts attention. I don't want the attention. It just makes me open up more and cry even more. My life seems to be ok on the outside (I think at least), but the inside is crumbling. I'm trying to graduate this coming spring semester. I am scared to death of being on my own for real. I know what I want to do, but I doubt my abilities to be truly successful.
Anyways. I'm also trying to fend off feelings I have for a friend. I want so badly to see that he likes me, but I...just can't do it right now. So...I'm not going to delve into this anymore. My emotions have been going on one of those super-charged magnetically powered roller coasters.
Along with this, I realize that Christmas is coming. I didn't even get to stop and think about Thanksgiving really...and I really almost don't want Christmas to come. I miss seeing it through the eyes of a child. I know what it is all about. I just don't see the real purpose in it all. So, with that, I need to re-find what Christmas means to me and try to feel the spirit of it. I feel like I've been so involved in everything that I haven't left time for myself to be me.
So, with that, I want to make a step towards maybe feeling a little bit more festive. I want to make a late listing of things I am thankful for. Only by truly seeing my blessings can I really start to see some purpose in the birth of the Saviour.

I am thankful for:
-my car
-my apartment
-my roommates (no complaints!)
-both of my jobs (the work is really rewarding)
-the fact that I am in college and that I will graduate soon
-the fact that I can take a long hot shower after I am done with this
-my friends:
Mark-for having someone to talk 'clarinet' with
Julie J-for being my sista from another mista :)
Andrea, Amy, Janel and Julie P-for being people I have looked up to ever since I knew them...and for being my friends
-my family-even though it's broken and there are problems, they love me.
-my clothes
-food (even though I realize that it is what makes me fat)
-music-it is my life...it's how I express myself
-dance-it keeps me active and it's another way to express myself

These are just a few things...and there is so much more that I am thankful for, but I need to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I hope I can survive.
Know that I am thankful for all the many blessings in my life.
Goodnight!

Eat your heart out...or maybe just eat your friends...

In response to Julie's status...in which she stated that she needed to find a fruit salad recipe...



Heather Marie Carlson:
when I first read that I guess I skipped the word find and put the word be in there. I thought you were trying to be a fruit salad...lol...silly me :)

Andrea Uhrey:
That's hilarious!!!! Go Heather! :D

Julie Marie Petersen:
I'd be one crazy fruit salad! I'd be fruity, cheesy, (maybe brie) and nutsy. (Sliced almonds could be yummy!)

Andrea Uhrey:
Then we'd eat you and that would make us cannibals which I do believe is frowned upon in most societies.

Heather Marie Carlson:
it is, in fact, frowned upon in most societies :) But you would still be tasty

Andrea Uhrey:
Mmmmm...fruity Julie!

Julie Marie Petersen:
Wow...um, well, gee guys...I don't even know what to say...

Andrea Uhrey:
In my experience, fruit doesn't speak. Unless, of course, you are giant pice of fruit made by Fruit of the Loom.

Amber Young:
Strange people. :)

Julie Marie Petersen:
...Strange fruit...

Andrea Uhrey:
HEY!!! Speak for yourself, Julie! ;)

Heather Marie Carlson:
I'm a vegetable myself

Heather Marie Carlson:
well...actually...a flower

Andrea Uhrey:
And I'm a dang fine piece of meat! Aw yeah!!

Julie Marie Petersen:
Between all of us we have a feast!! Hooray for edible people!

Amber Young:
I correct myself. Strange food pyramid with a flower on top. :)

Heather Marie Carlson:
and just in time for thanksgiving!

Andrea Uhrey:
Mmmmm...people food!

Julie Marie Petersen:
So we'll eat Andrea instead of turkey...Heather will make a lovely table decoration, I'm a side dish...Any volunteers to be dessert?

Amber Young:
Oooooo! Me!!!!

Heather Marie Carlson:
Janel!

Andrea Uhrey:
WOO HOOO!!!!!!!!! I was going to nominate you and now there's no need. Voluntary desserts are SO much better!

Heather Marie Carlson:
dare I say it...she could be shortcake! You can delete this one if it's too rude. I'm not intending to be mean :)

Heather Marie Carlson:
volunteering is much better :)

Amber Young:
I'll be cheesecake!

Julie Marie Petersen:
I do hereby schedule our night of cannibalism for Friday!

Amber Young:
BTW, I hope you all do a really good job on the 5th in the show. I have a cute date I want to impress! :)

Andrea Uhrey:
Well, that's Julie and Heather's job. Don't disappoint her, ladies!!

Amber Young:
I wasn't sure if you you were still in or not. Thanks for the backing. :)

Andrea Uhrey:
Any time! I'm a good...backer upper.

Amber Young:
:)

Heather Marie Carlson:
it will be a good show :)

Julie Marie Petersen:
Ooh! A date!! Make sure you point out your favorite fruit salad and veggie/flower. Mmmm...dancing and singing food...

Amber Young:
Thanks! I know I can count on you!

Heather Marie Carlson:
wow...look how long this is!!!

Amber Young:
Absolutely I will!

Heather Marie Carlson:
it's a musical unlike any other!

Andrea Uhrey:
And on that note (get it...NOTE!), I'm getting off! :D Goodnight ladies!

Heather Marie Carlson:
goodnight my tasty piece of meat!

Julie Marie Petersen:
Oh no! The meat is leaving! Catch it!

Andrea Uhrey:
Gobble, Gobble!

Alisha Uhrey Eastman:
THAT was hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh, ladies! :)

Je suis fine: a declaration

I don't know where to begin, but I want to scream right now. I'm so frustrated with life right now. Why can't I just be glad to go home this weekend? Oh yeah, I have a date this Saturday...that I don't want to go on anymore. I suppose this all needs some serious explanation.

About a month ago me and Idaho set up a date for this coming weekend. He's going to be in the state, and we figured it would be a good idea. At first, I was super excited. I wanted to plan everything and make it a wonderful day. Then, as the weeks went by, he didn't email, or call when he said he would. (this is a VERY bad habit of his) After awhile, I thought to myself...why should I plan so much for someone that wouldn't do the same for me? I don't want to go through it all anymore. We've had some recent conversations...they weren't good. I even wrote an email laying everything out on the table. When we talked last night (online), it was obvious he didn't get the point of the email. I wonder if he even read the whole thing. So, now things are not good. His only response is that he still wants me. When he talks to me like this, it makes me feel like I'm a prize to be won or something. I don't like being trivialized. I don't want to be treated like I'm stuck in another time period. I'm not a normal girl. I've gotten used to opening my own doors, I don't like people paying for me. I like being treated with respect, with friendship and with love. Don't put me on a pedestal. Just treat me like the human being I am and love me. Is that so hard to ask? Yes, flowers and chocolates are welcome...on holidays or special occasions only though and jewelry...don't even think about it! Ahhh...I can't express how annoying all that stuff is! I don't want a lot. I just want to spend time with that special someone. I want to be best friends. Not the oggled prize of a gamer.

So, to explain more on my last brief blog, I also want to declare that I am done with guys. I've had my heart broken 3 times...and I did it all to myself. Any person I have ever felt something serious for has never ever reciprocated the feelings. They barely knew I was alive sometimes. I can't do that anymore. I refuse to let myself fall for ANYONE. My affections have to be earned. And to earn them they need to follow the previous paragraph.
Oh wait...NO ONE wants me anyways. Well, except for Idaho...but he hasn't been able to prove it. Not that I desire him that much anyways.

Anyways...so, back to some stories...well, only a couple. A couple weeks ago I realized that I really liked this certain person that I see almost on a daily basis. I really like him. Well, through some teasing, he offered to buy me lunch. I screwed up royally and said no. Don't ask why...oh yeah...I don't like people buying things for me. So, to make up for my pathetic mistake, I asked him if he would like to go to an activity that I was going to. Well, I waited all week for an answer. The day before the activity was to happen, I asked him again and he said no. I was at the committee breakfast gathering at the institute...and had to squirm out as fast as possible. I had a good cry in my car before heading over to quintet practice where I had to be around him for another hour. It SUCKED. I'm over the fact that he said no. But, I still like him. A lot. And, today in quintet rehearsal, we changed the seating arrangement...he's sitting next to me now. Ugh. In his way of warming up his instrument, he makes some funny noises. Normally I burst out laughing every time I hear them. Today I had to control myself. I just can't laugh at it anymore. If that makes any sense.

Then, tonight I was reminded an hour late that I had tithing settlement. So, after practicing (or trying to...failed miserably...just fell asleep) I drove over to the church to see if I could still get in. I did. I sat down, checked everything and stated my status and thought I would be on my way. Then the bishop had to bring up that terrible subject of marriage. Why did he do that?! If he was inspired to say it...I almost wish he still wouldn't've said anything. I'm pretty bitter about it all right now. I want to get married...but I know I'm not ready, and I'm scared to death of being in a relationship...let alone a serious one. AND...it's not my fault that guys don't want me. I've done pretty much all I can think of to make myself available and 'on the market.' I wonder why I even try sometimes. Most guys take one look at me and look the other way.
I'm tired and can't keep my eyes open. But I just want to scream right now. Why do people do that? Why are guys so stupid? Why do bishops feel like they have to pressure us into getting married? Why don't they see the real story?

Anyways...I need to take a shower and go to bed.
The End.

AHHHHHH!!!!!

I could SCREAMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guys suck! I wish I could make myself not like ANYONE!!!!! I wish our church had a nunery.

Oh the blonde-ness of me!

I need to be asleep. But, I have to write quickly. Boys are a mess in my life! Things are still in an awkward state with my Idaho man, and now there's some new developments with a new friend I made this year. Ahhh!!! If it weren't for the pure dumbness of me, I would probably have a date with him as well. AHHH!!! Crap. I really like him, too.

More details to follow :)

Some confuzzled feelings as of late...(warning...contains relationship woes)

Where to begin?
In the past I have written about a certain friend that wants to be more than friends. In the past, I was not so kind. In the past, I was ...well....
Anyways...
Before school started this friend and I had a conversation. We have only kept in touch through instant messaging since he lives out of state and I'm too chicken to do the phone thing. Anyways...
Close to the end of the conversation he told me that he loved me. He has said it in the past, but somehow, this time it wasn't the same. It hit me kind of hard. This guy really does love me. After that our relationship took an interesting path. Once the new semester started I woke up one saturday morning after having an intensely abstract but real dream about him. All I could think of was...I need to talk to him. But, how? I got online actually praying that he would be on. Not even 15 minutes later he signed on. The thoughts going through my mind were intense and insane. I have always felt a deep sense of care for this friend, but I have never felt like I wanted to be around him. Now, all of a sudden, I couldn't think of anything else. We ended up talking for about 3 hours. I don't even talk to my mom that long. I guess you could say we had a dtr...but nothing was really defined. I just finally let out all of my feelings on the table. Mostly I let it out that I was confused and unsure (I think).
Now, fast forward to this past week.
We ended up chatting online again the other day. He let me know that he is coming to Utah for Thanksgiving. We decided to finally go on our first date. ha ha...we've known each other since before kindergarten...it's really kind of funny. Anyways. Hopefully things will work out and we'll be able to take that next step to seeing if it's a path we both want to take. OH! I suppose I should tell of another something that happened before that that added to this whole mess of confuzzledness. I ended up going on a date last weekend. Towards the end of the night all I could think was...I wish I was with my friend. It was weird. Anyways. So, after having gone on this date...I ended up talking to my other friend...it might have been the next day...I'm not sure. Anywho...with all of this running through my mind, I guess you could say things are now getting even more interesting. I won't go into anymore details, but let's just say that after being in chorale the other day hearing a question of 'is anyone in here talking about getting married?' my emotions have been out of control. Our discussion online that night included the subject of marriage...but not on the grounds of us getting married (at least, I don't think so).
Am I really getting to a point where that could be a possibility? Or am I just overreacting? (other things were said that I won't repeat here because some people may just think he's some weirdo (not in a disgusting way) ...which he is...but aren't we all?) My education is coming to a close and I wonder where my life may take me. As much as I would love to be free to do whatever I want, I really would love nothing more than to get married and have a family once I graduate. Is this my chance, or am I just desperate?
Now that I have made any possible reader more confuzzled than I am...lol...I just want to say this...
I have known this guy for more years than I have played the piano (which I started when I was 5). I know his family, I know his heart. I know his past and I have an idea of where his future is heading. I know what my family thinks of his family and I have a feeling I know what the reaction from some of my old friends from high school would be. I know what questions are going through my mind when I think about the possibility of spending eternity with this person. I can't wait for Thanksgiving. Maybe some questions will be answered. I sure hope so. I can't take this much longer.

How Can I Keep From Singing?

So, today was our first Choralaire Sunday of the semester. It was amazing! I went to bed after 1am and got up around 5 or 5:30 this morning. Yay for very little sleep! :)
Hmm...maybe I should go back a little further...
Yesterday was a very bad day. I woke up with many plans to get everything done that I needed to. As the day went on, I had no motivation, energy or desire to do anything. I ended up watching tv for most of the morning and mid-afternoon. I finally decided to start with my plans. My first plan was to clean and rearrange my bedroom. So, I moved some stuff around after finally cleaning the room. I didn't like it, so I moved my bed to the other side. As I did this, I realized that I didn't like it that way either. So, I proceeded to move my bed back to where it was a few minutes previous. The beds in campus housing are a little different. There is no box spring. There are 3 wooden boards that support the mattress. Well, as I was pulling my bed back to the other side of the room, somehow one of those heavy boards fell out and onto my big toe. I'm not even going to try to explain how much it hurt. Seriously, I might take my appendicitis pain again over what I felt yesterday. After crying a bit, and trying to figure out what to do, I once again ended up sitting and watching tv for a bit. I could barely walk because my toe hurt so bad. Finally I got my laundry together, dropped it off in the washing machine and headed to walmart for some purple thread. After walking around Walmart for an hour (on a very painful toe I might add) I finally found most of what I was looking for. I walked out of that store feeling so unbelieveably angry. I hate that store. I couldn't find everything I needed, and I was in pain. I finally got home and my roommate helped me 'hem' my choir dress. It looks terrible, but it worked. I had to hand sew a temporary stitch all the way around. That took me a couple of hours. By the time I fell asleep, it was after 1am. Oh...and as I was driving home from walmart, I tried to figure out why I felt so much tension and anger. All of a sudden the thought came to mind-tomorrow is Choralaire Sunday. The light turned on! No wonder my day had been going so terribly. The adversary was trying to keep me from going. I very seriously considered calling in sick after the way I felt. I didn't want to stand all day on my sore toe and my dress wass not very nicely hemmed...and I didn't know the music (still don't actually). Anyways. I read my scriptures and fell asleep.
I woke up this morning somewhere around 5 or 5:30. I got ready and made it on time. It was a wonderful day. From the moment we started running through some of the songs that we would sing later, I felt so happy. I felt so strongly about the words I was singing. It was wonderful!
As I look back on last year, I sang the songs we sang with a hope of finding comfort, answers and a way out of my troubles. I was on the edge of total despair (seriously). Today I sang with conviction. I knew what I was singing was true. I can't express how wonderful it was. :) I guess you should be getting the hint by how many times I say wonderful and amazing and so on ;) The first song we sang today was 'Sweet Hour of Prayer.' "I'll cast on Him my every care and wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer" Another song, 'Surely He Has Bourne Our Girefs. "He was pierced for all our sin, bruised by all our iniquity....Surely He has bourne our griefs and carried our sorrows..." Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. "Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love....Jesus saught me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God (well...pretty much the entire song...)"
Anyways.
I guess I just want to express that I can tell that my soul has finally grown up a little and maybe there's hope :)
Last year the music litereally saved me from leaving the church. This time I was able to sing it in a manner that I would hope would help someone else. Music is wonderful! I want to be a musician for the rest of my life. :)
Oh beautiful day!
(and it was BEAUTIFUL today!!!!)

Burgers and Fires and Cherrie Pies...

Take that lady promenade. Walkin' in the sand just hand in hand in a world we used to know. Circle left! Changes will come and go. I've had my share I know....

Those are words to an all-famous square dance song we all learned way back in elementary school. Every year 2 of the teachers would teach their class to square dance. That song is a classic. I actually never had those teachers, but when they later offered dance lessons for other students, I eagerly enrolled. I love that song. As a child it mostly had the appeal of the talk of food. Now as I reflect on the words...I feel a sense of maturity. Changes will come and go. I've had my share I know. I was just talking to a friend tonight about some of the trials I went through last year. A lot of changes happened in my life. A lot didn't happen as well. Changes are coming, and some are going. It's pretty hectic sometimes. But, I think I can say that I am grateful for change. Looking back on last year made me realize that I have changed and grown. I went through a lot. (hmm...living arangements, cars, crushes, family members dying (cats are family!), and so on. Now that I list it like that, it doesn't seem too much of a big deal...but when it all happened I thought there was no end in sight). I can't believe I survived it. I definately feel like a changed person. Some changes haven't stayed with me the way I would have liked them to, but I'm still stronger than I used to be. I have some serious changes coming up in the next week or so. I'm not sure what the final result will be, but it very well could be the decision to change my major and choose a different path in life. One that I have always talked about, but never really imagined would happen. The thought that I could graduate this spring scares me. But, I won't go there right now. I'm mostly waiting for my cold medicine to kick in a make me sleepy. It's after midnight and I'm wide awake. Man...of all times to get sick, it would be on the weekend that was extended due to a school break. Ah! Oh well. At least I didn't have to miss school because of my ilness. Anyways. Back to the topic. Changes are coming my direction whether not I like it. It's such an interesting feeling; knowing that my future will be affected greatly by this decision. I guess I have to keep praying and really do my best to trust the Lord and do my best to understand the promptings (or silences) of the Spirit. I'm terrible at it and I'm scared I'll make the worng choice. But, I've been fighting this decision since I started on this path, and it's time to choose once and for all. What do I really want to do with my life? (that's a whole 'nother can of worms I don't even want to open just yet)
Here's to walkin' in the sand just hand in hand in a world I used to know.

Breakdown

Today was good, until I got a phone call from the education department. Aparently I didn't score high enough on my interview to get into the program. It's not a big deal, but I did the best I thought I could do on that interview. So, unless I'm missing something completely obvious, there's no point in trying again. I have been fighting this decision ever since I made it. I think it's finally time to make it final. I have been praying for help, guidance and anything else I could think of to help me in this decision. Before I took the test I decided that I've done what I can do. It was at that point that I turned it over to the Lord. I did well on the test. But, with this news on the interview, I don't know anymore. I'm trying to figure out if this is an answer to those prayers, or if it's just another obstacle I need to get over to prove I really want it. I guess I see things both ways. I want so badly to graduate this year. But, I have no idea what I will do if I graduate in performance instead of education. You can't do anything with a bachelor's degree in performance. I love to perform, and would love to go to grad school. But, I don't practice enough. I'm not good enough, and I don't know enough. I've always wanted to to massage therapy, but that isn't something I would want as a permanent career. I don't know what to do.

It's Been A Long Time!

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I have a lot to blog about, but can't think of anything right now. But, I thought I would write something just so I could not look so neglecting towards my beloved blog (ha ha).

Everything and Nothing all at once!

So, I'm sitting in my apartment, all alone. Should I say that online? Eh, oh well. Today has been boring, yet fulfilling, and still yet even more ....how to say it...unfulfilling.
In the past week I have driven to Salt Lake, Logan and Tooele...all on one tank of gas. I love my car :) Yesterday was a long day. I can't believe I only fell asleep during one class (although I do believe I had 2 naps during that class). A friend of mine got married yesterday. Actually...2 friends of mine got married to each other. This marriage is something I haven't quite stopped wondering about. It makes so much sense, but then again, it makes no sense at all. I have known the girl since 7th grade. I remember her sitting next to me in 7th grade utah history on her first day of school. We never became super close, but we've always been able to talk when there was the opportunity. Then, (I don't remember when) another family moved in while I was in high school. One boy in the family was particularly good-looking. I believe I even had a crush on him at one point. Yes, yes! I did! I never got terribly close to him, and never had a chance with him, which was fine by me when I saw him hanging out with people that worried me. Anyways. high school was completed and she went to school at USU, he went to Snow and then a mission. After he got home from his mission, somehow they hooked up for real, got engaged and tied the knot yesterday. He is a year younger than she, but I'm guessing not by much of a year. It's so weird to think that they are together now. The town I grew up in is not the place to find love...well, not real love. Many people have gotten into accidental marriages (pregnancies), but VERY few have actually found that special someone. It's weird to have known both of them the way I did and to know that they are married now. But, they really looked so cute together. She had a beautiful, non-traditional wedding dress on at the reception. He looked as good as ever in his suit. The reception wasn't extremely extravagent, but it was definately one of the nicest ones I have ever been to. I saw old friends from high school, and past church leaders. It was a great night. But, the drive home was a nightmare. My eyelids were so heavy that I am still wondering how I didn't fall asleep at the wheel. The lights behind me and to the side made my eyes water. It was terrible. I got home, got ready for bed and somehow remember nothing until noon today. Sleep is wonderful :) I woke up with a terrible headache from all the sugar I ate yesterday. I sat down, read, took a shower and went to the relief society broadcast, came home and read some more. I actually am almost caught up on homework. Now I'm watching a movie and writing this boring blog. I really had nothing to talk about, but I wanted to write something. So, here's something about nothing really. Although, I suppose that the reception wasn't nothing. I hope that if I ever get married, that my reception will be as simple and elegant as hers. Although, I want to have my reception at my aunt and uncle's house. They have a very nice backyard (gazebo, pond and deck included). Then again, I want to get married in the winter (and outside reception is not the best idea in the winter). I want it to snow on our special day. I love winter....I can't wait for the snow to come again!
I want to leave the country and live somewhere else for awhile. Hmm.......

Not so briefly

I am in the process of trying to write 5 short essays. I'm terrible at writing when it matters (or when a grade depends on it). I have beautiful music playing in the background, my shoulders are extremely painful and tight from my dance class today. I am sick, but not in the normal way that most people get sick. I feel fine, other than the fact that I want to sleep all day, and my head feels like it could explode at any minute (but it's not a constant feeling...it's just weird!). I won't go into all of the weird and bad things that have happened over the past couple of days. But, I want to say that I had an amazing eperience last night.
I am in a woodwind quintet this year. I have never really played in a full quintet before. In my hopes of persuing grad school, this is just one thing that makes me feel closer to that idea. Last night the oboist and bassoonist of the quintet and I drove up to Logan for a concert put on by a group called "Imani Winds." They were phenomenal! I don't have time to delve into the performances, but I truly enjoyed the night. Oh, and apparently Craig Jessop was sitting right in front of us. I wanted so badly to just tap him on the shoulder, introduce myself and shake his hand. But, he was busy and that would have been a little embarassing anyways. But, he was right there :)
Today I got called into the office of the director of one of the choirs that I'm in. Now, it has been a dream of mine to accompany even just one song in this choir (I have had the opportunity to accompany other choirs, but this one in particular was on the top of the list). Today I got put on the path to acheiving that dream. I cannot express how happy this makes me! I was so sick/tired when he talked to me that I couldn't even clap my hands in rejoicement (is that a word?). But, as I walked down the hall I realized what a great thing this is for me. This is most definately my last year, if not semester in this choir. To be able to do something I have always wanted to do (well, since I knew about the choir's existence) is just an amazing feeling. YAY! :) I hope I don't screw up this wonderful opportunity!

Briefly

Me thinketh me stinketh
I'm well aware
and I don't care!

Just a short poem I came up with today as I was walking around campus after my dance class. :)

Oh What's in a Name?!

So, going back a few years ago...
After having taken off a semester of school, I returned to the spring semester of 2006 I believe. There were new faces in the band hall and I did my best to learn the names. I didn't do so well. But, there is one in particular that I ....have odd feelings for. This person and I met on random occaisions and each time he would ask for my name. I figured that after the 3rd or 4th time he had it. Time passed, summer came and school started anew that fall. We ran into each other in the hall and he once again had to ask my name. By this time I thought it was just kind of funny and I think I actually almost made a game out of it. Anyways....at one point I even had a crush on him (wow). Actually...it was a very small crush and it pretty much went until this semester.
Fast forward to today. I saw this person in the hallway and said hello. We had a conversation...an odd one at that and he ended up asking me what he should know about girls. (Weird, huh?) As he went to write it down (even weirder!) he asked for my name. After 2 and a half years....oh and a semi-group date kind of thing (I'm not sure what the whole thing was...but he invited me and another friend over to his place for ice cream, and he had another guy friend with him...so...it was a group date, but not really), he STILL doesn't remember my name! I left the hallway struggling to contain my laughter...but then I realized how annoying it was and I really almost wanted to hate him (and I don't hate anyone!). 2 1/2 years! I just don't get it. Someone please help me figure out why he couldn't remember my name...even though we saw each other almost every day last year and so on....AHHH!!!!

Of a Parkway, some Art and the Symphony

Yesterday I ended up going home to pick up a few things and to do my laundry. On my way home tonight I had a very nice drive. As I was heading north on I-215, I was faced with the decision of taking the same old, scary drive up I-15 or try the new Legacy Parkway. In a last minute decision I turned on my signal and went left towards the unknown. Since it was dark I don't know exactly what the view of the drive entails, but I know that it was one of the most relaxing drives I've had in a VERY long time. The 55mph speed limit was being enforced (I saw a couple of police vehicles scanning the area), so it was a rather slow drive, but I have no complaints. It was so nice to not have to deal with I-15 and all of its wonderful nightmares. I know that there was a lot of fuss and protest to the new parkway, but I have to admit...it was greatly needed. I enjoyed my drive for once! Yay! :)

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go visit the "Monet to Picaso" art exhibit at the U. It was an interesting experience for me. Art is not something I'm terribly interested in. I don't draw well and I just don't get modern art. But, there is an artist whose work I admire on display there. My mom and I waited in the long line, got our audio tour guides and proceeded to educate ourselves on the art of the impressionistic, post-impressionistic, realistic, surrealistic and cubist eras of art. I was dissappointed that there were so few dispalys of Monet. My mom has a distinct love of his paintings and I think it has rubbed off on me. The sculptures done by Rodin were quite fascinating. I don't enjoy the nude vision of things, but there was a lot of emotion in the sculptures. I actually really liked them. Then at the end of the exhibit (or close to the end) was the display of "La Vie" by Picaso. I had no idea how many different styles he had. Some of his paintings are rather wonderful. "La Vie" was really different. Again, even through the nudity, the emotion was there and I felt something for the characters in the scene. I will admit though, that I ended up walking past most of the abstract paintings. Like I said before...I just don't get it. It was a good experience, but I was not feeling well, so it was a happy sight for me to see the trays to put down our audio tour guides on.

The best thing that happened this week, though, was on Thursday night. The Utah Symphony came to Weber to play some works by Beethoven. I LOVE Beethoven's music, so I was very excited to go when I first read about it. The first half of the concert was the 4th Piano Concerto by Beethoven. They had special guest, Gharrick Ohlsson, play the concerto. I had never heard this piece before. When he sat down to play the music there was this sense of awe about him. As he brought up his hands to play the first notes, I felt as giddy as a girl in love. His hands literally floated across the keyboard as he performed insane scales and so on to create the beautiful masterpiece. I felt an emotion I have never felt before as I sat there watching and listening to this performace. I don't know how to describe it. It was almost a state of ecstasy...but I'm not sure if that's the right word. Anyways. After the intermission the Utah Chorus came out and they perfomed the famous 9th Symphony. This was the piece that I was truly excited to hear. I had never heard it in its entirety before and wanted to hear it live. I fear that all my musical emotion had been exhausted by the time the first notes of the symphony were played. I had a hard time paying attention and feeling the music. But, when it got to the famous last movement, the "Ode to Joy" segment, I realized what an amazing thing it was. It being the symphony. Beethoven composed such a brilliant piece and never heard a single note. Most already know, but just in case you don't know...he was deaf when he composed it. I would give anything (almost anything) to have been a fly on the wall while he composed any and all of his masterpieces. I don't even know how to explain my feelings of awe and amazement when I think of the beauty of his music. Music, that was composed by feeling vibrations in the floor rather than hearing it played. He wasn't deaf for his entire life, but enough said....he is a genius and I know that he was blessed with a gift that he was able to share with and bless the lives of others (like me) centuries later. Wow!

And one thing led to another...

After having written my last blog, I want to make it known that even if the person I am talking about reads this, he already knows the situation and I am mostly just trying to vent.
I had an insanely emotional day yesterday and had no one to talk to about it. I wanted to collapse, but had to keep going since I was at a party and had to keep my cool. At one point I led on to having a bit of a problem, but as soon as one person caught hold of 'boy trouble' a few other people turned around and I had to change the subject. I really don't know how much I want the public eye to see this, but I have to get it out before it consumes me.

In previous blogs I have mentioned a certain friend that I have had many troubles with in terms of the definition of our friendship. A few weeks ago we were chatting online. He has previously said these words, but this time it hit me like a ton a bricks. He wrote the words "I love you." I don't know what it was about it this time that just made me wake up or what, but it struck me as being different this time. Ever since then, whenever I sit at my appartment and want to talk to someone, somehow he is the one I have wanted to talk to. None of this really makes sense, since I really seriously have no desire to be more than friends with him. But, all of a sudden, as I was sleeping in late yesterday morning, I had a very vivid dream that involved this person. It was a very abstract dream. The main gist of the dream was that he was following me around. I was doing everything I could to avoid him because I just didn't want to deal with everything. (like I said, I don't want things to go to the next level) Finally he caught me. I was in a state of uneasiness and discomfort. Then he took my hand and kissed it. Later on in the dream (I don't remember it all) he gave me flowers. All the while, I realized that I didn't mind him so much. In fact, I held onto those flowers after he left and wanted to hold them as much as possible.
When I woke up from this dream, I felt such an overwhelming sense of...I don't know how to describe it. All I could do was think, I need to talk to him now. At times when we have talked I have begun to feel something for him, but I try to pass it off and let it go because I just don't want to go there with him. But, I couldn't stop thinking about him. So, I got online, hoping and praying (yes, praying) that he would get online. Within a few minutes he was online. I have never talked to someone like this before in my life. We talked for at least 3 hours. Yeah, it was one of those kinds of discussions. Nothing was really accomplished other than me telling him that even though I've tried to hide it, I really do feel something for him. It's not a good situation. He lives in Idaho, I live in Ogden. So, things are at a stand-still. I don't know what to do. I still have no desire to go forward in my relationship with him, but yet, I wonder what would happen. What am I to do? Do I drive up to Idaho and figure things out once and for all (if I had enough gas and time, I just might)? Or do I try to to keep my head on my shoulders here in Ogden and just deal with it? I guess this is where I need to pray and put it all in the Lord's hands. I haven't quite figured out how to do that very well, but I think that is my only option. I want so much to have a boyfriend, but I don't know about this situation. I want to cry, but it's so deep inside I fear it will never come out. Anyways, I need to go get ready for church.

I screwed up!

In my previous blog I mentioned a dear friend of mine. Apparently she read it. I am truly sorry for anything that may offend her or anyone else. I really need to learn to control what I say. I do not know who reads these and I should hold back regardless. To anyone who has read this and been hurt, offended or otherwise, please let me know. I am truly sorry for not controlling myself.
To the one who called me on this, I love you dearly and never give up. Just know that I've been in a similar situation, and it hurts when that person doesn't look at you the way you wish. If you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to rejoice with, I will be there for you!

Dizzy, Fizzy, Fuzzy

As I'm sitting here, I feel a certain sense of disallusionment. I feel like I'm here, but not really. All afternoon as I read a book for one of my classes I had this urge to run away and do something crazy. Now I'm sitting in my bedroom, avoiding more reading and realizing that I need to go to bed. I have a sort of dizzy/fizzy/fuzzy feeling in my head. Maybe I haven't eaten enough today (very likely), maybe I haven't gotten enough sleep (possibly), maybe my body is finally protesting the many changes I've had these past couple of weeks (most definately). I feel as if I could be out doing something insanely wonderful and random, but yet, I want to just sit here and feel detached from myself and the world. It's a wonderfully odd feeling. I should go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be long and tiresome, but fun. I told myself that I wanted to be more involved this year. So, I am on the Good Times committee at institute. That is probably the last committee I would normally join. It is totally out of my league, but oh well. I'm tired of being shy and uninvolved with everything. I have spent so much time at the institute (I already got my 30-credit hour certificate 2 years ago), but yet I still feel a little out of the action. Tomorrow I will be a part of it once again. :) Yay! I need to go to bed.
Goodnight!

Purple...

Is a color I don't like. And that's all on that subject :)

On other news, today was ok. It started off not so good and didn't really ever improve, but one precious moment happened that made it worth it. I work with children on a one-on-one basis. Today the parent of my last student of the day came in and told me that they would be changing times because of scheduling conflicts. She also wanted me to know that her child didn't want to leave because they liked working with me.
I have never had that much experience with children. To be honest, frankly, they scare me sometimes. I don't know how to treat them and I have never felt 100% comfortable around them. Makes one wonder why I'm going into education, doesn't it? Anyways, that small, short comment from the mother made me want to cry. This student actually liked me. I can't express how wonderful this makes me feel. It's nice to feel appreciated every once and awhile by the least expected source.

Maybe there's hope yet for me and being good with kids. :)

Ulceritis!

Ahh! My computer has decided to not work again...but I found a loophole. I just can't use my ethernet cord. Which means that I have to use the wireless internet. At the moment I cannot get onto the secured network, and am getting blocked on a few of my favorite websites! Frustrations frustrations! I just got a pain in my stomach and was reminded that I was sort of diagnosed with an ulcer last year...I really need to get that taken care of. :) It's like a hunger pain but with knives instead of gurgling. I guess I already reached my stress limit for the year....oh help. :) People annoy me (Like the people that just drove up honking theit horn so the entire village can hear...ahhh....did I really miss college life that much?!). Oh...and now there is a siren. I love city life (ha ha). I'm going to go live on a farm. That's it! I know my destiny. I'm going to go live on a farm in the country away from the things of man. I'll tend the gardens while my oh so masculine hubby works with the animals....and the children will run around in the wheat fields as if they had not one care in the world. (sigh...if only) :) Oh, and the tornadoes will come close enough for me to photograph, but not do any harm to the farm. Wildfires will destroy the desertous landscape but never touch our property. It will snow enough to keep the kids from going to school and we will sit by the fireplace, sip hot cocoa and play a game together. We will live far enough away from anything that we will need to make a special trip into town for anything other than our own home-grown food. These trips will be special occaisions. Eating out, movies and shopping will be rare, but wonderful events in our simple life.
Ok....enough daydreaming :)
That really would be a wonderful life, wouldn't it? :)
Ok, I'm done now. Yay! (the stabbing stopped as well! Yay!!!)

For the First Time in a Long Time...

I'm actually giddy!!! I missed this feeling! Oh man...I don't know if I want to explain why I'm giddy, but it does have to do with a person of the opposite sex. He is very attractive and seems to be interested in me (a first!). :) It's nothing more than an aquaintence still, but it's hopeful!
I'm all smiles for once...and it's great to feel alive again!
Wahooo!!!!!

It Has Been A Long Week

Wow. (I seem to start my blogs off with small words like this...I need to find another way to start a blog) (hmmm)
anyways
So, after my huge nightmare with moving in, school has begun and I am amazingly still alive. My new roommates are very good. It's so quiet...I'm not sure how to handle it yet to be honest. I just barely finished my room yesterday. It was quite a feat. Actually, it's not clean yet, but there's stuff on the walls and mostly everything is put away.
This past week has been the longest week I think I have ever experienced. Time really is relative. I think I will be able to handle my extremely full schedule, so that's good. :)
I thought I had so much to tell, but I suppose I'm so out of it right now that I don't want to write much. Oh...
So, I have been once again confined to the computer labs. My laptop had an episode on either Monday or Tuesday night. It no longer works. It's rather frustrating, but there's a really good deal at the bookstore on macs, so I think I may invest in one if I get my financial aid by then. (crosses fingers and prays!) I am currently waiting for my laundry to finish drying, but I also just realized that I forgot to notice the time when I started the dryers. D'oh!
So, I guess that's all for now. Sad...I I had so much to say when I typed out my last blog, but that was on the fateful night my computer crashed...so I lost everything I wrote. And it's still lost. :)
Until next time!

Panic on the Highway

Today was nothing short of insane. I woke up not knowing where I would be sleeping tonight. I don't even want to relive what happened today...it was too much. Let's just say it was enough to cause me to go into a panic attack while I was driving up to Ogden today. Now, I've had panic attacks like this before, but it's been a long time. Usually, though, my panic attacks happen when I'm about to get on an airplane or when I'm already on one. Everything seemed so impossible. All I could do was try to keep my eyes clear from the tears and control my breathing so I wouldn't pass out and crash. I was driving down I-215 at the time. Wow...that was not a good experience. But, thankfully...in nothing short of a miracle, I am now sitting on my bed, listening to an f16 fly by and feeling exhausted from moving in. I'm home. It's a little weird right now, since no one else is here and it's fairly empty in the other rooms, but I'm home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home!

Overwhelmed

Last week was nothing short of crazy. Monday I got a call from my boss at a job I had last year. She had called me at the beginning of the summer about coming back, but I didn't have an answer for her. As the summer passed I forgot to call back. (not that I knew what to do anyways) Then, Monday she called and asked if I would be interested in working a few hours a week. Since my financial situation is not good right now I have been praying for help. I saw this job offer as an answer to my prayers, so I agreed to it instantly. It's not my favorite job in the world, but it is so much better than making sandwiches that I can't even begin to express my gratitude for the offer. Then, on Wednesday (?) I got a text from a friend. This text said something to the effect of-would you like to room with me and 2 other girls (that I know)? Rent is about $260/month and she listed the address. I was at work at the time and got a little distracted by this text. I got the info but had just about an hour to make my decision. To be honest, I'm not sure how I felt about it. But, the cheap rent, location and fact that I would already know who I was rooming with pretty much made up my mind for me. I got ahold of my mother and she agreed that it would be a good idea. Monday I went in for my first day at my newly assigned job. Considering I had never been fully trained for this job in the previous year, I had my share of "of crap....what am I doing?!'s" But, things went well. My job involves working with children. I don't have very much experience working with children. To be honest, they scare me sometimes. I don't know how to talk to them, and I don't know what to expect from them. I suppose that in most cases you just judge those things based on each child as you interact with them. But, it makes me so uncomfortable sometimes. After I finished on Tuesday I ended up talking to a friend of mine that is going into the same field as I am (education). I know he was joking, but at the same time, I'm sure he was very serious. I had told him how there were a couple of kids I just had no idea what to do about, he looked at me and said something like-are you sure you want to teach? He only echoed the question that has been going through my mind since I decided to go into that field. Last week I even got to the point of looking at pretty much any other field I might be interested in. I am so interested in so many other things that I 'could no sooner pick a star in the heavens.' But, everytime I think about choosing something else I feel blocked...I feel that stupor of thought. It frustrates me so much somtimes. I want to go into science, but I feel like education is where I need to be. I haven't figured this out yet to be honest. I'm trying to be patient, but failing miserably. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I would love to have a job where I don't have to talk to anyone...yay social anxiety! Anyways. So, I'm feeling very anxious, unsure and overwhelmed by everything right now. I'm not sure about this new place that I'll be living in. I've lived in campus housing every year I've gone to school. I'm used to it. I may even be a bit spoiled by it. Free internet, cable and telephone (not that I use the phone at all). Then there's the bus that runs through the parking lot. And, as much as I hate it sometimes, I love getting to meet and make new friends every year. I get annoyed by being the oldest one in the apartment sometimes, but some of my best friends have come from my roommates in those apartments. Then there's the girls I'm going to be rooming with this year. Theyare my friends, but I'm not sure what it's going to be like living with them. One person has a tendency to be very negative and I tend to be negative around her as well. I don't enjoy it. I almost feel a sense of terror at the thought of living at this place. It's a great place and it's cheap and convenient, but I just don't feel good about it. I want to live on campus. As much as I have wanted to get away from it, I don't want to leave it. It has been my home for the past 5 years. I don't want to leave. I can't believe I'm saying this. :) But, at the moment, I have to stay there. The contract is signed and the other girls are depending on me to keep my part of the deal so that they also benefit from the cheap rent. I want out, but it's too late. Oi...it's too early in the school year to be feeling this stressed out. Anyways. This upcoming year seems to have so much uncertainty about it. I don't like it. :) (who does?)
The USA just won the gold medal in beach volleyball. I love volleyball. This makes me happy :)
I had olympic dreams...*sigh*...:)
Anyways...I think I need to publish this while I still have an internet connection. So, that's all for now I suppose. School starts in less than a week...I thought I was excited, I don't know anymore. Ahhh!

A Storm is Coming

(in more ways than one)

Just to warn you, you may want to skip over this blog, unless you really want to read into my soul...ha ha...not that it's that terribly deep, but I find that this is the only chance I have of writing my thoughts down without worry of losing the info... I suppose I could hand write it in a journal, but my hand hurts when I write that much these days. (stupid tendonitis!)

So anyways.

There is a storm brewing outside. It came from nowhere. I have not heard of any weather reports warning of high wind or any other such severe weather circumstances. As I type my eyes grow heavy and I want to go to sleep, but there is much on my mind. Everyone seems to have one true goal, desire or dream in their life. We are told that, no matter what that is, we must sacrafice everything we have to attain that one goal, desire or dream. I keep thinking to myself....what do I really want in life? I'm working towards being a music teacher, but I'd also love to be a meteorologist, storm chaser, veterinarian, massage therapist, photographer and neurologist. As much as I would love to do all of those things, there is not enough time, nor enough money. So, I must choose one (or maybe 2 if I'm lucky) to persue. The thing is, I always feel a sense of emptiness when I decide to go down one of those paths. Music education is the last thing I really want to do, but it seems to be the thing that I need to do. It's really quite frustrating. I feel so wrong when I try to choose another path. But, I'm not extremely happy nor excited to be a music teacher. I am not the kind of person that will make a good teacher. Kids scare me. I'm terrible in social situations and I'm not a leader. (somehow I keep getting put in leadership positions that I never really feel adequate for-even if I desire it...ei-section leader of the clarinets at Weber) Anyways. Anytime I think of the ONE thing I truly want to be in life, I realize that it is to be a mother. Funny thing about that is that I don't have %100 control on how that will pan out in my life. It's the one thing I desire over anything else, and yet, I have never had a boyfriend, I have only been kissed once (by a child when we were about 5 years old), guys tend to look the other direction when I look at them. See a pattern? The one thing I want I never seem to be even close to. So, I keep trying to fool myself that I'll be happy enough if I persue another path.
I don't want to do music, but yet I'm drawn to it. It is a blessing in my life and I feel selfish for not wanting to teach others, but then again, I'm not the greatest teacher in the world, and I would still try to give private lessons at home regardless of my final profession. I wish I could say what I feel. My mom brought out a stack of photos I took of Southern Utah a few years ago when we drove down there to move my brother in for school. I look at those pictures and see a faint possiblity of a career I would enjoy, but how on earth do I 'go for it'? My camera is a crappy 4.1 mega pixel sony cybershot that is terrible at capturing the true beauty that I see around. I can't afford a nice $400-900 Nikon or Canon that I am so interested in purchasing some day. I could change my major to photography, but is that a wise idea? I would have to take art classes, and I'm a terrible artist. And, I take pictures of nature, not people. I wouldn't be able to set up a studio for portraits and such. I would love to travel and take pictures of the world, but how would I accomplish that? I would need another career to support my career. I guess I'm going to need that anyways if I stick with music. (I'll have to work night shifts at a restaraunt just to pay for my clarinet reeds, music and so on) I feel trapped. I feel like echoing the words of Samwise Gamgee in the movie of Lord of the Rings. He says something to the effect of "the one place we can't find is the one place we want to get into..." Well...it's not even close to that, but I don't remember it and I'm not going to go put in the movie to figure it out, since I'm not sure which movie it's in (stupid trilogy!) ;) I can hear it being said in my mind, but as soon as I try to write it, the words get twisted and turned around. Anyways, that's how I feel. The one place I can't get to is the place I want to go. Maybe I should take that leap and just go for it. But, I'm scared. I've never done anything like that before in my life and I'm not about to screw up my life over some silly dream (oh wait...it's already screwed up...why would one more decision make it that much worse?) I am a good photographer. I take pride in my pictures. I wish I had a better camera. I love to see the beauty of the Earth and I love to capture it in still motion. But how on earth am I going to live? (that's where a handsome doctor, lawyer, entrepenuer, etc would be helpful ;))
Ah...I could go on all night. But, it is almost 1am, I'm tired and I have to work tomorrow. I really wish that I had put in my 2-week notice sooner. I really don't want to go back there ever again. Hate isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel about that place. It's so tempting to ask if I can change the date I put on my resignation. Hmm....I'll have to think about that one. As much as I need the extra cash, I just don't know if my spirit can take it any longer. It was nice to be happy this weekend. It went by too quickly. I didn't even get to sleep in. Sadness...pure sadness. Anyways. I need to go to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open and I still need to read my scriptures. Ah...and there's a whole 'nother blog right there. I have so much to improve on....oi! Ok, for real now...
Goodnight!

Tux the Terrorist

My sweet, dear little kitty
Your tail is so fluffy, so soft
And your fur is so clean and shiny
Eyes wide and beady,
nose so high and noble.

You turn your head
the inocence is gone
you jump, coo, purr
and off you go
there's terror in your eyes

From a distance a crash is heard
There's another coo
Yet another crash
there you go
running around like mad

This is not a poem
although it tries
I just had to try
since there's a wildness,
a super insanity in your eyes.


:)


I tried :) lol

I love my new little furry friends. Everytime I look at them I feel giddy with love for them. They are truly super cute. They are nuts and it surprises me that the house is still standing...oh wait...there went a wall (lol...well...something fell). Anyways. I am going to miss these little terrors when I go back to school. I no longer allow them in my bedroom because they have figured out how to get on top of my clothes hanging up in my closet (I can just see one slipping and shredding a favorite shirt on the way down to the floor), not to mention the breakable things....and a peaceful night's sleep that they so love to deny me. :) So, any time they can, they sneak into my room. It's so cute. :) Anyways...I need to sleep. Goodnight!

Hmmm......

Well, I am in a weird mood right now. It has been an interesting day. It started off with a weird dream. It was good, but not reaal enough. :) Two of the main characters in my dream already know a little about this dream, but I want to write the whole dream down (as much as I can remember at least). I remember this:
We were all sitting behind the curtain on the stage at my old elementary school (but yet, it wasn't there). (this dream went back and forth between that location and the MPR at the institute) There were a few of us sitting around. I think it was a performance, because we were trying to be quiet beackstage, but then again, it may have just been a dress rehearsal. Anyways. So, I also think that it was Halloween...but I'm not sure. Janel walks in in her costume. This costume was (ha ha ha) a swimsuit. We were all ok with it, but I know that I knew that something wasn't good about this costume (I just couldn't put my finger on it). Anyways, this was backstage. Then I ended up in the ladies bathroom (not in the institute though...huh...I don't know where that bathroom was). I started talking to someone about how hot this guy was in the choir. Then I went back on stage and sat down to talk to my friends. This guy then came up to me and told me he needed to talk to me. I couldn't tell if he was happy or not. Anyways, I kind of just sat there and asked him what it was about, and he said that his sister (but I think it was more like his sister's best friend...or cousin or....oi, I'm not sure) was in the bathroom. I had this 'uh oh' kind of moment. He said that he knew I thought he was hot....and that's where the dream ended (stupid alarm clock!). Funny thing is....this guy really is very good-looking. Sigh....
But, I highly doubt that Janel will ever wear her swimsuit into the institute like that....lol So, I don't think I want this dream to come true...as much as I would love to find out what this guy thinks of me. Oh well.....

I feel another blog comming on.....

New Layout!

What do you think? It actually matches the title! :)

The Owl Was Right!

So, I had a bad day...that turned into a wonderful day.
I woke up feeling more exhausted than I've felt all summer (it's been getting progressively worse lately...especially this week...maybe I'm getting sick). I had about a half hour to get ready for work; thankfully I made it on time. When I got there my boss was not in a good way. We talked as she was in the process of finding a ticket to Michigan to go help out with some family problems. I can't explain the stress that this thought put in my body. That would mean I would be in charge of the store while she was gone. I'm not in any position to run that place for that long. Anyways, then the customers started coming in...and they didn't stop for what seemed an eternity. We almost ran out of bread before 2. That's a LOT of bread (and sandwiches). Closer to the end of the rush we got a phone call from the main gate asking us to sponser someone on base. It turned out that this person was a 'secret shopper.' So, we prepared ourselves to be on our best behavior (which isn't too much different than normal). I was at the cash register. Some customers came in that I didn't recognize and I figured it was them. It was them. Ha ha. Anyways. Apparently I did a good job, because my boss later handed me a certificate that stated that I will be receiving a $20 American Express gift card. I have money for school supplies! Joy! Then, later she told me I could have the night off, since things are going ok with the new supervisor. So, as I left work, I also got the shock of my life. I don't have to work again until Monday. I haven't felt that happy since ....I don't know when. As I was coming around the corner to my street on my bike I heard an owl hooting. It made this sound of hoo hoo. And I couldn't help but think that it was echoing my thoughts to the world. Woo hoo!!!! Thank you little owl for sharing my happiness with the world around us. I am still giddy with laughter at the thought that I didn't have to work tonight. This is the first free night I've had in over a month....if not 2. It has been wonderful. And, I don't have to work tomorrow. Nor do I work on Saturday and we are closed on Sundays. I don't know if I can ever go back. I love this feeling of being happy. :) Oh well, I have less than 2 weeks there anyways. It's all a matter of sticking it out to the end.
So, even though my computer is showing signs of breaking down again, I'm still extremely broke and I have no hope of making it back to school peacefully, I had a great day today. I loved it! :)

WOO HOOO!!!!!!
:)

Much Ado About Nothing...

So, I've been watching tv a lot lately. I have seen a lot on there, but nothing as cool as what I just saw. It's a show on the DIY network called 'Deconstruction.' It appears to be a little similar to Mythbusters. This guy was heating up pans and putting them on different countertop materials to see what was resistent (or not) to the heat. They finally got to granite, which didn't show any signs of distress even after being blow-torched. So, they made a fondu pot of chemicals that made it burn at 5000(?) degrees. It was sweeeeeet!!!!! The tabletop was engulfed in flames. When it was done, the tabletop had actually cracked and turned to rubble. This is exciting! It's making me want to have my own kitchen so I can get a beautiful granite counter. *sigh*...someday

In other news. I have less than 2 weeks at Subway. I can't believe that the summer is almost over. It will take a miracle for everything to work out so I can go back to school this semester. I am having some serious financial problems and it just keeps getting worse. I don't know how I'm going to pay for everything. I'm thinking about applying for a loan, but I doubt I'll get approved. I need to learn to save money, not spend it. :)

Man, I'm tired. I don't know what it is, but there is either something in the air, or I'm getting sick. (Oooo! Now they're dropping bowling balls on the countertops!!!!! And now they just broke the bowling ball....I like this show! :) ) Ok....ADD moment over.

Last night was very interesting. I had a conversation with the boy that has not given up on me. I sad a little about it in the previous blog and following poem, but I think I want to vent some more about it now. We started talking on the IM on facebook. I thought it would just be a simple conversation about nothing in particular, but somehow it turned into a dtr and a nightmare. I don't know what to do. I've already discussed our 'relationship' in another blog. I will not do that now. Sometimes when I talk to him I feel things, but how do I know that it's not just my body saying 'this is your only hope for any physical contact with a guy'....or something like that. Anyways. My biggest problem is that I'm not attracted to him. Without attraction it's hard to want to look at that person in a romantic light...at least I think it is. There are tons of guys out there that I am way more attracted to (although they don't seem to share the same sentiment). Anyways...So, we talked and he told me that he would be in the area next weekend as he moves up to BYUI. He asked if there was any way he could see me. Now, I have told him many times that I don't like him in that way, but apparently he STILL has not gotten it. I understand that he wants to see a 'friendly face' but I wonder if he doesn't have other motives (in fact, I know he does). But, I couldn't get out of it. Even though I told him I would be moving in the day that we would be able to meet, he wouldn't give up. He even offered to help me move in. I don't want anyone touching my stuff but my mom and I. So, yeah, I gave in, sort of. I guess I kind of have a date of sorts planned. But, I have my doubts as to it actually happening. Everytime he tries to see me, it doesn't happen. So...I suppose that I'm not making as much sense as I would like.
In one respect, he is a good person, he's trying to finish his schooling that will put him in a very respectable career, he works hard, he's honest and he's pretty much everything on the list that we learn to make in young womens, but I just can't do it. I can't let myself like him like that. If I could look past a few certain things, it would probably be a great relationship, but I just don't know if I can or want to look past those things. (not to mention he lives in another state) I keep hoping that I'll meet someone else, get engaged and show him that I am seriously not interested in him. Ah...I'm so stuck in a rut of insanity that I never thought I could experience.

Well...it's almost midnight. My internet connection isn't working and I need sleep. A friend of mine just got her mission call and is trying to read the Book of Mormon all the way through before she leaves in September. We talked about it and I decided to do it with her for support and my own good. I'm not doing so well. I need to get going. I have a lot of catching up to do.
Alrighty, the connection is back. I'm posting this while I have a chance.
Goodnight ya'll!

Clouds

Wow, it is beyond late right now and I need sleep, but I wanted to write a blog tonight. Apparently I'm writing 2 now. I had an inspiring moment at work and wanted to come home and write about it. I came home and my parents had a John Wayne movie blaring, so I couldn't concentrate on writing then. Then I got into an instant messaging conversation with the boy that has been after me for pretty much my entire life. I think I had my first real DTR with someone. It's funny though, our relationship is so weird...I don't know if it can be defined. You can read how I feel about that in my previous blog. It's an attempt at a poem. I'm not a writer, so take it for what it's worth.
Anyways...
On to what I really wanted to write....


Today I walked out the back door at work to get something from the freezer (since it is outside and not inside...whoever designed that place wasn't too bright). I felt the warm breath of the wind against my body and decided to go to the gate to behold the incomming storm that was supposed to be coming our way. I walked to the fence door and felt a sense of awe and wonder as I looked at the cloudy sky above and around. The sight was beautiful. The sun was starting to set and the colors beginning to show. In one direction there seemed to be a seemless flow from the light grey color of the clouds to a darker grey and then to an almost deep blue color and back to the light grey like a wave in a painters pallet. As I stood there, even in just that brief moment, I saw the clouds and felt the warm air surround me like a hug from heaven. I looked farther into the sky and felt that there was more out there for me. I wish I could've captured that moment forever. It was as if I was being called to go on a new adventure. Sadly, I had to turn around and go back to work.

I really want to write more, but I am feeling so tired that I feel sick. I need to go to bed. My resignation is in and my days are numbered at Subway. It's a wonderful feeling. :)
I can't wait to go back to school. The more I think about it, the more anxious I am to see my friends and family again. My friends being my family ;)
Until next time....

My Dear BYUI Guy

How can I make you understand?
How can I make you see?
It's just not meant to be,
you and me.

I've told you a thousand times
I thought I was clear
It's not going to happen,
you and me.

You say you'll be better
You say you'll change
It hasn't happened yet,
you and me.

When we were kids,
When were were older
Even with a kiss, it never existed,
you and me.

Now you tell me your story
Now the truth comes out
It's not what I thought,
you and me.

This seems familiar
This has happened before
But then again, it wasn't
you and me.

The roles have changed
The scenes have been rearranged
It still isn't right, though,
you and me.

You beg and you plead
You have to see me
How can I stop
you and me?

What do I do,
What do I say?
There's never been
you and me.

Everytime I give in
Everytime you seem to win
How can this be,
you and me?

Sometimes there's a spark
Sometimes there's hope
Could it be possible,
you and me?

Problems of distance
Problems of attraction
Who am I kidding,
you or me?

Seeing eye to eye
Seeing face to face
can there be
you and me?

Maybe another life
Maybe another planet
there may be
you and me,

But for now
there never was
nor will there ever be
you and me.

A list:

*Guys that make me smile (on tv)

-David Duchovny
-Jon Kransinski
-Patrick Dempsey

*Movies I enjoy
-Enchanted
-Mama Mia!
-Wall-E
-X-Files (still on the fence about that one actually)

*TV Shows
-X-Files
-Friends
-Everybody Loves Raymond
-Tyler's Ultimate
-Good eats

*Happy & Pleasant Thoughts
-My laptop is fixed and working again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOOO!!!!!!! :):):)
-a little more than 2 weeks left at Subway!
-school starts soon
-the construction will soon be over
-Tux is such a cuttie!
-my bedroom is almost clean!

*Not so Happy Thoughts
-my eyes are burning
-I have to work tomorrow
-I'm broke
-my cats are insane and out of control :)

*Music I'm enjoying
-Train
-Abba/Mama Mia! Soundtrack
-Enchanted Soundtrack
-Beethtoven's 6th and 7th symphonies

*Clothes I enjoy wearing
-my choralaires tour t-shirt
-short capris
-my new skirt
-flip-flops
-my swimsuit (sort of)
-my subway uniform....j/k

*Fun Things I have Done/Will Do This Summer
-Went camping
-Saw fireworks
-Bike Rides
-Swimming
-Running through the sprinklers across the street from my job after I got off :)
-Hike Mount Timpanogas (hopefully)
-Hike Waterfall Canyon
-Flirt with good-looking G.I.s
-Get my first kiss (ha ha...yeah right!)
-Made new friends
-Slept in

*Things I Need to Do
-Go to sleep :)


Goodnight :)

Too Much to Say, Not Enough Patience to Write it All

So, yesterday was a good day. I was in a weird mood all day, so it could've been better, but considering everything, it was still overall very good. I have gotten to the point that I have to set 3 alarms to wake me up in the morning. The night before I set a 4th alarm to remind myself to charge my phone. That 4th and final alarm was the one that woke me up. Sad, huh? So, having thus slept in, I had to hurry to get some clothes in the wash, eat, shower and leave. Where was I leaving? Well, I was going to go get my oil changed, and get some pictures printed, but since I left so late, none of this was accomplished. Oh well. I still had more important things to do. I drove into Taylorsville to visit my dear friend Anni. It was so good to see her. (You really are a cute pregnant lady!) We chatted and looked at photos for awhile and then we went to a movie. We saw Mama Mia! Now, I had only heard of this movie through previews and commercials. She had actually seen it on stage in New York. So, knowing that, we went to Jordan Landing (which I haven't been to in years!) and watched it. The music was fun, the singing was...pretty good (except for Pierce Brosnon's...if it was even him) and the filming was not sickening. But, I realized later that that movie just didn't quite hit the spot for me. I will not express my opinions because you may either disagree with me, or you may not have seen it and I don't want to spoil anything. Just know that I was kind of surprised and let down by the ending.
After the movie we went to Cold Stone. I was shown the wonderfulness of Cold Stone when I was visiting my friend in San Jose, CA between my junior and senior years in high school. When I found out that there was one in Utah, I flipped. Such wonderful ice cream creations! (that was a sentence fragment if I ever saw one!) But, somehow I have never really eaten there again (I think I ate at the one in Provo, but that was it). We both enjoyed a PB & C milkshake. I drank mine a little too fast. It was so wonderful! Oh well. After saying goodbye to my friend I started to head home. As I was driving towards I-80 on SR 201 I literally had my breath taken away and almost started crying. I had a view to kill for. The sun was setting behind an island on the lake. The lake was in full view and there were a few clouds glowing just above thesummit of the island mountain. The sun's rays broke through the clouds and filled the sky with the most beautiful display of natural light I have ever seen! (the power just flickered...I may not get to publish this!) It was hard to keep my eyes on the road as I watched this amazing sunset unfold before my view. The colors in the sky were the deepest oranges, yellows and pinks I have ever seen. There was even some purple towards the end. I just kept hopeing and praying that the sight would last until I got to a rest stop a couple miles away to take some photographs. The rays had disappeared by the time I turned off my vehicle, but the sight was still breath-taking. I took quite a few pictures, but none of them truly portray the beauty I beheld. I need a professional camera. Oh how I wish I could've just stood there and watched the sunset through it's entirety. But, being a single female on a busy highway rest stop like that, I didn't want to stick around until it got dark. And, I had other motives to get to Tooele before a certain time.
X-Files. I remember my science teacher talking about it all the time in high school. When the district gave all the teachers walkie-talkies for security purposes, she and another teacher gave themselves the code names of Molder and Scully. But, I had never actually seen the show. I ended up watching the first movie when my brother had chosen it for a slumber party. I was confused and freaked out. But, nevertheless, I never forgot it (that's for sure). I have a friend that is an avid fan of the show and recent conversations in the past have finally sparked an interest in the show. Just about the same time rumors of another movie came out. After seeing a few previews for the show, I decided to start from episode #1. I rented it and got hooked immediately. So, it only added to my curiosity about the movie. As I was driving home last night I called the hotline for the theater in Tooele and found out that I Want to Believe was playing at 9:35. That was perfect timing. I was not sure if I really wanted to see another movie though. I was tired, and just wanted to be home. But, I fought over the decision until I got to Tooele. I was going to be good and just keep driving. I did keep driving. I passed the theater and commenced on the last 45 miutes of my drive. Once I left the town I just couldn't stop the thoughts of not seeing the movie. So, I caved. I turned around and made it to the theater just in time to buy my ticket, hit the ladies' room and find a seat. The movie started off quickly and tensely. I was excited to see what happened. Well...folks...I was sorely dissappointed. Only having been recently addicted to the show, I don't know as much about it as I should, but my expectations were not met. I still want to believe! :) It was a good movie (a little disturbing at times) if you don't look at it as an X-Files movie, but if you think it's about aliens...it's not.
I think it was good that I saw this movie though. It put me in a mood for the rest of the drive home that I needed to be in. I turned off the radio and had a conversation with myself. There were many tears, and maybe some laughs...I'm not sure. But, we all need to talk to ourselves sometimes. I started saying that I just wanted to be home. But, when I pictured my bed in my bedroom, I wasn't satisfied that that was home. It just wasn't. Then I thought of my bed in my appartment at school. That, I realized, is home. I'm homesick. I want to go back to Ogden. I never want to live here again. My biological family lives here in Dugway, but my spiritual family is in Ogden. (not to say that my biological family isn't my spiritual family) I miss my friends and my life there. School can't start soon enough.
Well, there is a wonderful storm blowing outside. Maybe it will actually rain. And, who knows...I might get to hear that thunder storm I've been waiting all summer to hear. Here's to hoping!
Goodnight!

I'm not sure what to title this...

Wow...a lot has been going on and I'm not sure where to start. I have a lot to type...so bear with me...I may not get to everything...I'd like to though. Maybe if I make a list I won't forget everything. :)
-Work
-Dream
-Roads
-Cats
-...

Hmm....ok

This week has been a whirlwind at work. Monday night Patty (the main supervisor ...not manager, but supervisor) found out that she was hired at a new job. So, Tuesday she turned in her uniform and quit. Our workforce is this : Jam'e (the manager), Cori and me. Now, some may not know this...about 2 months ago a supervisor position opened up. I applied for it. I got turned down because I couldn't commit to being around for a year. So, no one is in that position as of right now. Guess what...I just got temporarily promoted to supervisor today. I'm excited about the pay increase ($2/hour more than what I'm getting now) and the little bit of...ha ha ha I feel about it. But, I really hate Subway right now. I dread going to bed at night because I know what awaits me when I wake up. I haven't had any desire to work out, nor the time and energy. I can't go swimming, and I can barely escape the town for one day a week. This job (as I recall from previous experiences) is a nightmare. :) When I was temporarily promoted to supervisor last time I worked there (wait...I think I'm experiencing some deja vu!) I was able to describe my experiences as this...
I unlock the gate walk past it, and lock myself back in. I am now in my gilded cage. I am imprisoned. There is no way out. I must move forward, but to move forward is to give in to the hell that is my job.
Well...it wasn't quite like that...but I'm not digging it up to see what I said exactly. That was 2 years ago...But I do remember calling it my gilded cage. I do admit. It isn't nearly as bad this time as it was last time. But I tell you this...I am eagerly counting down the days until I am going back to school. 2 weeks until I put in my 2 weeks. :) JOY!
(oh and another reason I'm glad that I'm almost done with this job is this...I think I'm getting arthritis in my thumb from squeezing the sauce bottles too much. It hurts to put any presure on it. I'm worried, because that is the weight-bearing thumb when I play my clarinet)

So, sometime last night I had a very strange dream. I don't know why, but it has really stuck with me and I can't stop thinking about it. It wasn't a great dream by any means, but there was enough in it that I wish some of it would come true...to a certain extent at least. The dream started out with me finding out that I had to be married within 2 days or something really bad would happen (I don't remember what...if I ever knew). So, I was set up to marry someone. Now, in real life, this guy was in my student ward last year. He is a great person, and I could see myself easily developing a crush on him, but anyways... In my dream his name was the one I was supposed to marry. It came time to get married and I had to pick out a dress. There was a rack of dresses. These dresses were many different shapes, styles, colors and sizes. I wasn't even sure if my marriage was going to be in the temple, but I tried to find a white dress in case. There was nothing in white that fit me that I could find. But, then someone found a simple, beautiful white skirt and shirt combination dress that fit me perfectly. We got married...but it wasn't the guy I was supposed to marry. He turned into another guy that in real life was the fiance of a dear friend of mine (that just recently broke up the engagement oddly enough). I couldn't tell you where the marriage was, but it happened. The reception came next. It was a pool party. I can't help but laugh when I think about it. :) The pool was full. At one point there were these huge guys...ninjas??? (maybe...whatever they were, they wer HUGE!...like Cronk on Emporer's New Groove)) having a swimming contest/race thing and they almost swam right over me. Then, I tried to hug my husband. I barely knew the guy, but I figured that we should at least try (or something like that). Everytime I would try to hold on to him or talk to him he would find a distraction and ignore me. I woke up from this dream before we left the pool...but nothing had come of my trying to communicate with him.
I don't know why, but I really just feel so weird about this dream. Maybe it's just my inner girl trying to tell me that I do in fact want to get married someday. Maybe it was just completely random. Who knows. All I know is that it's got me feeling anxious about maybe trying to have a dating life this year or something. (Dating...what's that like?) But, I don't think I want to get into that soap box right now. Anyways...

Yeah...I don't want to get into that...I might say too much :)

(I wasn't kidding when I was 'singing' on a previous blog..."I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss...")

Well... I don't think I'm going to get to everything on my list. I do have one random story....
I went to get on my bike this morning to head to work and found a rather large spiderweb from the tire to the handlebar. I feel kind of bad, but I turned on the hose and sprayed it off. I think the spider was still on the wheel when I took off. The web was beautiful. It wasn't just a cobweb or anything. It was like those webs you see in pictures. When I saw the spider though, I got creeped out a bit. It was a pale almost transparent yellow cream color. I'm not sure what kind of spider it was, since I've never seen one like that, but it was creepy and scary enough for me to try to kill it...and I don't kill bugs unless I absolutely have to. I really hate doing it. But, spiders are definately a weak point. Anyways....

My cats are terrorizing the house right now. They are absolutely wild! Cute, but VERY wild. My mom uses a placemat to put under their food dishes. She had to take it away when they started diving under it and sending their food flying all over the floor. They have somehow gotten ahold of the placemat again and are sliding it all around the living room. They coo, run and dive. Usually they run into something and back away...then start all over again. I think they may be possesed. :)

Well...I think I need to go to bed. It's not insanely late, but I'm tired. If I can just make it through 2 more days I will survive. I can't wait for Saturday! I get to go visit my wonderful friend Anni. (I'm sure you may read this Anni...but I'm going to type it anyways) Anni and I met in band about 3??? years ago. We were stand partners...or wait...did we just sit next to each other?...I can't remember). As I recall one day I felt very strongly that I needed to invite her over to watch Survivor with me (it was a big deal to watch that show back then!). She ended up coming over (maybe another day or something...I'm not sure) and ...after a few more times hanging out she became my best friend at school. Unfortunately (just kidding ;)) she got married...ha ha...it's not unfortunate at all, but now I rarely get to hang out with her. It's really sad. Our lives have gone their separate ways and I really miss being around her. Crap...I'm crying...now I can't read the screen. But, on a happier note, she is pregnant. I'm so happy for her and I can't wait to see her cute pregnant belly :) Saturday can't get here soon enough! (only 3 more days Anni!!! Yahoo!!!) :)

Well...it is almost midnight. I didn't think it was that late. I need to go to bed.
Goodnight!

"I Must Confess..."

...("that my lonliness is killing me now....hit me baby one more time...")
ha ha...couldn't resist. :)

I'm not that lonely...trust me. :)

But, I do have a bit of a confession to make. It is rather a silly thing, but I must say it. I must get this load off my shoulders! ....not really...

Today I went to town (again...2nd time this week!)...on my way back home I stopped at the local (45 miles away) Walmart. I used to have a movie buying compulsion. I used to buy movies every week or so (as long as my paycheck held out). I finally realized it was a problem and put an end to it. Because of that, I rarely buy movies anymore. But, today was bad for me. I purchased 4 movies! It's not as bad as it sounds though. (oh...and the movie buying is not the confession...) The checkout lines were incredibly long, so I decided to wait it out looking at the movie racks. I only checked out the $7.50 rack (at first). I was about to move on when I saw the jackpot. Two video cases that included double features. So, I could purchase 4 movies for the price of...well...$15, plus tax. It was too good to pass up. The real reason it was such a good buy was because of the movies.
My confession is this. I have an obsession with bad sci-fi disaster movies. It's really out of the blue. The acting is usually terrible, the plots are usually very far-fetched, the computer graphics are sub-standard. The list goes on and on as to why these movies are just so bad. But, I love them. I don't know why. Maybe because they make me laugh. Lately I've caught myself checking the sci-fi channel just to see if any of those types of movies are on. It's terrible! :) The one I just watched tonight is called 10.5. It is about a series of earthquakes that hits the West. In the end...well...let's just say a lot of shaking and destruction occurs. I enjoyed it...although it was almost 3 hours long. Oh well. It made up for not getting to see Dark Knight this weekend. Anyways....
It's late and I need to go to bed. I get to lead music again tomorrow! (~joy~)
Night!

Energizer Bunny

Oh man...it's after midnight and I have already blogged enough for the day...but I just want to write. I have so much bottled up inside of me right now. I have had the idea of a blog for some time now. I have a title and at least one line of text to fill it up with. The title would be "Things I Learned While Working at Subway." I suppose I could count this as a rough draft for now.
"Things I Learned While Working at Subway"
1. Be ready to work when your shift starts....don't be getting ready.
2. Lunch rush is always busy, even when it's not.
3. Someone will always come in just as you finish covering the last cambro of veggies or meat.
4. Silpat...*shudder*... it's a new swear word.
5. Meets and veggies should be used within 48-72 hours after being prepared.
6. The cash register will beep constantly when the power goes out, until the back-up battery dies.
7. Footlong, wheat, roast beef with pepperjack cheese, toasted. All the veggies, red-wine vinegarette, salt and pepper. (don't ask)
8. CO2 tanks sound like they are going to explode when they are empty.
9. Bagging ice...not so fun.
10. Be prepared to work on your day off, even if you scheduled it off.
11. You will always come home smelling like italian herbs and cheese bread.
12. Subway does pizza! (at least ours does....mwa ha ha!)
13. The only difference between Italian Herbs & Cheese bread and Monterey cheese bread is the italian seasoning.
14. Italian bread is just plain white bread.
15. Filling the soda machine with ice is a good way to build a nice bicep (yes...only one, unless you use boths hands...but I usually don't)
16. All of the attractive men that come through are already taken.
17. Most of the customers enjoy being harassed.
18. ACBIRC....*shudder*....another curse word
19.GI's can pretty hot!
20. I know what day it is when someone asks for a sub of the day.
21. Moday=Turkey/Ham
Tuesday=Meatball
Wednesday=Turkey
Thursday=BMT
Friday=Tuna
Saturday=....I don't work Saturdays enough to know
22. Subway Club Card point system
10=cookie
15=chips
20=21oz. drink
50=6" sub
75=1' sub (double meat not included)

eh...I guess I'm done for now....with that at least... :)

I just realzied that I'm covered with cat fur. No wonder my eyes are itching like crazy and my nose is drippy.

...I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss...

I suppose I will just continue writing down random thoughts.

I've been working out almost everyday for over a month now...I thought I was losing weight....I was wrong. I'm about to give up. I think I need more than just an exercise routine and some changes in my eating habbits. I need help! But, I can almost run 2 miles in 25 minutes now. I know...it's not a lot, but when I was in 4th grade I could barely run around the track once without dying (~yay asthma~). This is a big deal for me. I need to run more often. It's actually not that bad. I love to go to the gym...working out is fun. If I were good enough, maybe I'd think about going into being a physical fitness instructor....ha ha ha....nice idea....I'll keep dreaming. :)

I just realized the other night that I have almost gone an entire year without a major crush on anyone. No wonder my life has been so weird lately! (of course, my last crush has been slowly dying over the past year since I found out that the guy was engaged, but the end was official in december...actually...maybe even before that) I need to have a crush on someone again. My life needs some excitement.

My cat likes to watch the computer screen. She's silly. :)

...how does she know that you love her?...

I wish one could type in pitch. I would so sing on this blog right now. I finally got the soundtrack to Enchanted yesterday. I brought it to work and sang along to pretty much every song I could while doing the dishes. My supervisor got a kick out of it apparently. :) I love to sing sometimes...even when I know I don't sound too pretty.

Nothing is more relaxing than having a sweet, soft, warm kitten crawl upon your shoulder and pur in your ear. I love my kitties! Oh wait...I suppose 1 kitten on each shoulder is even better...but I guess I won't get that privilege tonight. :( They've gone back to terrorizing the house again.

I need to go to bed. I do have to go to Ogden. Oi. I don't want to drive! I barely have enough $$$ for gas and food this time...Ok...I'm done. Your suffering is over...if you even made it this far. :)
Goodnight for real this time.
:)

Sirens and Practicing

Today after we (Subway) closed, as I was cleaning up the place trying to get out I heard a siren go off. This siren has been going off a lot lately. It sounds like a bomb siren or something. The first time I heard it (on Saturday I think) I just assumed that it was the town warning system malfunctioning. If that is the case, it has been malfunctioning a lot lately. It's getting annoying to be honest. While I was at work trying to clean up and heard it go off again, it really creeped me out. Our Subway our here is in our local bowling alley. The building itself is not huge, but it is relatively large (there's about 14 lanes or so...maybe less, maybe more..I'm not sure). So, with all of the main lights off, the cloudy and windy weather outside and my supervisor counting down the register, it just really gave me the creeps. I felt like I was in some sci-fi movie or something. The siren had this erie tone about it. Oh well...I don't think anything will come of it. I HOPE nothing comes of it :)

In other things in my life, I have re-discovered an old friend. I got to know this friend well last summer. This friend challenged me in ways I've never been challenged before. I had many battles and victories with this friend. When school got out this last semester, I began to neglect it. I didn't think I would miss it that much, but these last few days have proven to me that my bond to this friend is strong and I should never take it for granted.

Too bad this friend isn't a guy...huh? :) That would be cool. If that were the truth, I should be married to it though. I pay it too much lip service to not be. Oh man...this is getting weird.

My friend that I am referring to is my clarinet. I haven't practiced it at all this summer. I played it a little bit for a few performances the week after school got out, but have only gotten it out once since then. Last week I finally ordered some new reeds and decided to start playing again. I could barely play for a half hour yesterday before my lips gave out completely. Today I got closer to 45 minutes. I wanted to keep playing, but I could barely play a few measures before losing control. (and, I had to eat lunch before going back to work) Last summer I spent hours a day practicing, preparing for my senior recital. I had music that I loved and I was anxious to learn the music so I could perform it for my friends and family. Right now I don't have much to work on. I'm done with recitals and I don't have any band music as of right now. So, it's back to the basics. Scales, arppeggios, and etudes. I played through a couple of etudes today and realized just how much I miss performing. When I play, the music takes over and I become engrossed in playing what I feel. Feeling the vibrations of the reed in my mouth and face and fingers, hearing the beautiful tones of the clarinet, and knowing that I was creating music was just a wonderful feeling. My friends, I never want to stop playing. It hurts me physically sometimes, but it is so worth the pain. Sometimes I can't even move my hand after playing, and talking can become difficult, but I'm better at communicating through music anyways. :) I think I finally have a dream in life. I want to play in a professional recording orchestra. I want to be heard on a movie soundtrack. Even if it's just one time. I don't know if this will ever happen. But, I sure as heck want to try to make it happen! When I practice I fight some of my worst demons. Today the thoughts of quitting were extremely strong in my mind, but I just kept playing. Ah...it felt SO good! It may not have been the prettiest sound sometimes, but I didn't give up. Some fight their demons while running, dancing or whatever. I fight mine by playing. I'm sure any musician can understand what I'm talking about here. I can't wait to get back to school to work on playing more music. Etudes can only go so far :) (now all I need is a new clarinet...ha ha ha... I really want a new one before we go to New York in April...*sigh*, I have a good clarinet, but it has many flaws in it and there are some amazing new models out there that totally blow away mine) (I could totally go nerdy right now on the clarinets I want to try out...but since they cost over $5000....I won't waste your or my time on it :)) Well...I think that's all for now.

Tomorrow is my last day of driving up to Ogden for my job at the dance studio for awhile. Summer classes end tomorrow. I'm actually kind of nervous, since the children will be performing for their parents tomorrow...and I'm the music. Last time they used a cd. This time they get live, improvised music. I've still got a LONG ways to go before I feel comfortable improvising in front of people. Last week was amazing. They started doing their warm ups and I just tried to play to their movements. All of a sudden, melodies and such started flowing from my hands. It was one of the coolest experiences in my life! I don't know how it happened, but it did. I sure hope I can do it again tomorrow. I want those children to have the best music possible to dance to. Oi. I better not psych myself out of anything. Ah. I need to stop. Goodnight ya'll! :) (Achoo!....stupid allergies!)