I Cannot Tell a Lie...

I'm VERY depressed right now. Maybe it's the winter blues. Maybe it's the stress of 19 credit hours alongside 2 jobs. Maybe it's the pressure I feel from myself to get out of school asap. Maybe it's the fact that I don't feel wanted by most of who I thought were friends. Maybe it's that I have no goals in life. Maybe it's that I don't get along with my dad, my brother is going down the wrong path and my mom just isn't the same anymore. Maybe it's because even my best friend isn't the best friend in the world. Maybe it's because I only get asked out by guys that are more desperate than I am. Maybe....maybe I'll go jump off a cliff. Ha...I'm too scared to do that...don't worry.

Today was a very good talk given at the CES Fireside by President Monson. I went there hoping for something that might help me figure out something in my life. What I got was a punch in the face...and a trip to the spiritual emergency room. At one point in his talk, he said something to the effect that there are people who have goals. They struggle and work and eventually acheive those goals. Then, there are people who just coast through life. They really have no goals and eventually become lazy and drop out.
I could have left the building sobbing after that comment.
I know that I plan to graduate this semester...but it's not because I made it my goal to get this degree. I never honestly chose my major. I went to the school that gave me the best scholarship. I chose the major that I thought I could do (and was more or less interested in doing) and have been fighting that non-decisive decision ever since. I'm not graduating this semester because of hard work or from a desire to accomplish something. I'm in college because I had nothing else to do. I got offered the scholarship, took it and chose the best major I could from what was listed. I have never seriously wanted to be anything in my life (well...there's one thing...but you can't get that with a degree...). I am lazy. I never choose anything. I'm the most indecisive person I know...and I'm not trying to make that a joke. I am technically dropping out of college. I'll have a degree, but it's not the degree I had originally picked out.

So yeah...basically, I'm a failure.

So, that one thing that I really want... yeah

It's so frustrating. The ONE thing I want in life. The only desire I have. The only thing I feel is worth striving for is getting married and having a family. BUT...apparently life isn't going to happen the way I want it to. I want to have a relatively large family...(not too big...but bigger than what I grew up with). I have yet to even hold the hand of a man. No one seems to find me even worth looking at. Sometimes I can convince myself that I don't want to bother. But every time I almost convince myself that I'm ok with being single, I realize how much I don't want to be alone anymore. What's wrong with me?! Why don't guys find me attractive? I know I have an ugly smile (I really wish I could afford braces) and my face looks terrible (stupid acne) and I'm fat...but I'm a nice person...or so I thought. AND...people that are twice my size get married. People that have even nastier teeth have boyfriends. People that have nastier skin get asked out. What's wrong with me?!

I need to go take a shower and go to bed.