It's been a LONG time...

I don't even know where to begin.

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED!

I don't necessarily want to dwell on the past. It's over with and a part of my life I'd prefer not to have to live through again.

Brief recap:

2013:
*Left Ogden for Murray and went to massage school
*Went through 4 jobs (cook at a high school, Convergys, Subway & Deseret Book)
*Dad had first stroke
*Graduated massage school

2014:
*Started working as a massage therapist at a chiropractic clinic
*Also started work at Massage Envy
*Dad had more strokes

2015:
*Turned 30
*Got 2 different job offers with massage work (tried to take both but was emotionally unable to deal)
*Dad died
*Left Chiropractic job
*Traveled to Missouri, got caught it blizzard in Wyoming...never driving east in the snow again
*Mom moved to Missouri
*Same week Grandpa died (4 months after my dad passed)
*Started having serious panic attacks

2016:
*Turned 31
*Stopped going to church
*Had moment of personal inspiration-went back to church (after half a year or so)
*Got new massage job in Bountiful
*Traveled to Missouri to see mom...more panic attacks
*Quit both jobs (massage and Deseret Book)
*Spent Christmas morning all alone (however, I loved the snow)
*Gallbladder made itself known...thought I was dying

2017:
*New roommate moved in, intended to throw out my couches and use hers (***breaking point***)
*Had legit mental breakdown
*Started therapy
*Started Whole30 eating program (down 20+ pounds as of today)
*Started running again


While this is so very much incomplete and brief, it gives you a good idea of the roller coaster I've been on.

It has been the hardest few years of my life.

Just before I moved to Murray, I was feeling pretty good about life. I had a plan, I had faith, I had friends and family all around me. Then I moved to Murray and I completely shut down. I struggled to make friends. I struggled to feel connected to the friends I made. I didn't feel like I belonged at all.
Since moving to Murray I've lost so much. I lost friends, family, and myself.

All it takes, though, is one person to show they care. And that, for me, was my bishop. Bishop Hammond spoke with the most loving and tender voice. He invited me to join his family for Christmas dinner. When I had my complete breakdown (crying uncontrollably over the thought of losing my old, broken down couches...to the point of dry-heaving...it was obviously not just about the couches), he helped me find an incredible therapist. When I was unemployed he helped me out.
He and his wife became my family. Even though I didn't spend much time with them, all it took was a pat on the shoulder for me to know how much they cared about me. And that's all it took.
I'm functioning again like a normal (well...as normal as I can be) human being....because of him and his wife.
Today we were told he is being released next week.
I feel so incredibly brokenhearted right now. I know that it had to happen sooner or later. And, I even felt like it was coming soon. But, I feel like yet again I'm losing someone. I know it doesn't have to be that way and I do want to not be angry about it. I don't want it to eat me up inside. But, I don't want to lose that love in my life. I don't have a lot of love that I can feel in my life these days.

Thankfully today I got a spark of hope in another area of my life. After the block of church meetings there was what we call a 'linger longer.' They had snacks and tables out so we could socialize. At one point I looked up and saw someone looking right at me. I made eye contact and smiled. The next thing I new, this guy was walking over to our group and he directly offered his hand and introduced himself. It was like a scene from a movie. Unfortunately, my roommate called him over and that was that. But, seriously...it was unreal. I don't know if he was just trying to be nice and make a new friend or what, but it certainly made my day.


I don't really have life figured out yet. I don't make enough money to pay my bills. I don't know how to budget myself (and stay on top of it). My car needs repairs, my hands hurt, my patience is already thin with customer service, and nothing is really all that great...but, I'm happier than I've been in a LONG time. I curl my hair again. I'm running again. I haven't had sugar in over a month. And apparently guys are noticing me again. I have so much more work to do, but now I know I'm capable of such work.