My How Time Has Flown!

January 1, 2013 seems like years ago.

Since that day I have had 3 different jobs (holding steady on #3, despite my wishing I could have a better-paying job). I don't love the fact that I'm working at Subway (again) as a 28 year old student, but it's a job I can do and I'm not planning on staying there once I graduate (the only thing that's keeping me from applying to a new job is that very fact-once I graduate I am getting my behind out of Utah!)

School has been nothing like what I expected.
NOTHING

It has been a roller coaster of emotions and stress and homework and.....just plain crazy.

So far we have finished our courses in Reflexology, Swedish, Acupressure, and after this week, Russian Sports Massage.

I have miraculously maintained 100% attendance and a 4.0 GPA.

I hope I didn't just jinx that.

When I walked into my first class life was a blur.
I had NO idea what I had gotten myself into.
I looked at the people around me and wondered if I'd ever make any friends or if I'd be the lone one in the corner for the entire year.
After our first week we got to witness a demonstration of a full-body Swedish massage.
I found myself smiling for the first time in a long time.
The months have gotten slower and time has seemed to drag on more and more.

BUT

This past week I was driving home after our carpool group (Yes, I'm in a carpool group...who'd a thunk?!) split for the night and realized this:
My massage class is my family now.
Many people in my massage class have become my friends.
After this week we will be halfway done with the entire program.

That's right.

HALFWAY DONE!!!!

At the end of July we start our clinic rotation.
I'm more than just a little freaked out about that.
I actually have to put everything I've learned into practice.
But, it will be a good (tough) learning experience.

I thought it was never going to end, but hitting this halfway point gives me a little more hope.


As for other things...
I actually have friends in my ward now.
Yesterday 8 of us drove down to the Manti Mormon Miracle Pageant.
I was talking to someone at church today and I was able to name everyone that was in the group.
That moment was kind of surreal.
I'm not a complete stranger in my ward now.

I am amazed at how quickly this halfway point came.
I'm so grateful for it as well.

I sure hope the next half flies by even quicker.

I CANNOT wait to move out of Utah.

Time for some Random

It's been awhile since I've written anything and to be honest, I have so much and nothing to write all at the same time, so my apologies...this will be random. You don't have to read if you don't want to. It's ok.

Let's see.

The most exciting thing that has happened this week is my wallet got stolen.
I had my wallet in my hand sometime around 5-5:30pm when I purchased the best snow cone ever (I kid you not!). When I went to put gas in my empty gas tank after class that night (sometime around 11:00pm) my wallet was gone. I honestly have no recollection whatsoever of where my wallet went after I purchased my snow cone from heaven. By the time I realized my wallet was in the possession of someone other than me or someone that would return it to me, I checked my bank account and found that someone decided to do some damage.
I found that $58.00 had been used at a Maverik gas station in downtown SL. I called my bank (a frustrating experience in and of itself...customer service hotlines for the fail) and cancelled my card. When I got off the phone I discovered that over $160 had been spent at the Walmart in SL as well. My bank account was now in the negative.
I cried. A lot.
The next day I called my bank again and made sure everything was fixed (I'm glad I called again, because the lady I had talked to the night before didn't do everything...). The perpetrator had tried to use my debit card at various ATMs, a McDonald's, a Redbox, and Best Buy online and who knows where else. The trail started in SL, went up to Bountiful and down to Sandy.
I hope they had fun, because whenever they get their karma return, it's going to suck.
I am not the vengeful type of person, but I have never wanted to hurt someone so badly before in my life...at least, not my conscious life (I've had dreams in which I've been very violent, but that's not real...ANYWAYS). My account is in the negative now...over $200. If it hadn't been for a serious miracle I would be out of gas as well. My mom had given me $15 when I went home 2 weekends ago. The money never made it to my wallet. Thank the LORD! I wouldn't've been able to make it to school last night if it hadn't been for that.
The wallet also contained my driver's license and social security card. It's going to be a LONG process of nightmares getting my identity protected and making myself legal to drive again. I also had many restaurant stamp cards that had a lot of value on them...I'm NOT happy about losing those either (it's taken a long time to get them to where they were!)
So, I am struggling right now with a quarter tank of gas that has to last until my money is credited back, or until payday on Friday...I usually go through half a tank in a week.
And, I'm getting all tense writing about this so I'll stop on that topic.
Life really is like a box of chocolates...

Another thing I can write about is school.
School is going for those of you that want to know.
I've finished my 2nd term. 2 down, 3 to go. I'm almost halfway done!
Massage school is NOTHING like I expected.
The more I get into it, the more I wonder what the heck I'm doing.
Part of me loves it and can't wait to graduate and start working.
The rest of me is ready to start applying to other schools.
I started training to become a medical assistant. I want to finish that.
And, here's the big one...
The more and more I think about it, the more I want to go back to a real university and finish that education degree I started almost 10 years ago (only short by a few months...wow...it has really been that long!).
Slight tangent...
I want to teach music still.
Music is in my very core and I am denying who I am by not using, sharing and teaching it.
I think that's the biggest reason I'm struggling with the massage school idea still. It's all good and noble and stuff, but it's not who I am.
The other night I listened to a cd recording of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
When I was younger I would always tease about that choir, but part of me always wanted to be in it.
I'm not a great singer, but there is something in the power of a choir that gives me chills.
When I delivered pizzas up to Weber High School, sometimes I would hear the choir rehearsing in the commons area. I loved it. It always made my day a little better.
What I'm getting at in a round about way is that I want to see if I can pursue becoming a choir director and get my life in order so I can audition to the Mo-Tab Choir. I always thought I wanted to be in the orchestra, but there's something about the choir that tugs at my heart.

Ok, tangent over.
I've learned Swedish Massage, Acupressure, Reflexology and now I'm starting to learn Russian Sports Massage. Up until now I've really only ever experienced Swedish and Deep Tissue massage. Last night in class we did our first hands on of Russian. I got to be a demo body. It was awesome. It was a little awkward getting touched on my bare back and thigh by my instructor I'll admit, but his hands were so steady and soft...wow that almost sounds awkward. Anyways. Experiencing another type of massage by a trained professional was pretty awesome. I really think I'm going to like it. I hope I can be as good as Kory (the instructor)...if I can help someone feel as relaxed as I felt that night (this was last night...not even 24 hours after my wallet nightmare started), it will be worth it.
Oh, and somehow I've still managed to maintain a 4.0. I don't know if that means that I've gotten better at being a student, or if that reflects on the less...whatever-ness of UCMT compared to WSU. Who knows. 

I always thought I would just finish my schooling in December and find a job in Missouri right away.
But, now I'm not sure.
I want to apply to the education program at the U and start taking vocal lessons so I can actually make it into the school. I love playing my clarinet, but I feel anxiety still when I think about playing it. I got to sing in the Ogden LDS Institute choirs for so many years and even the WSU concert choir. I loved it. I really do love singing. I just don't know if my voice is up to par.

Another thing I think I should write about is my past post on my weight situation and my goal to overcoming my depression without medication.
My emotions have been completely out of control as of late. It turns out my brother has now been diagnosed with Bipolar disease. I've always wondered if I have it and his diagnosis just adds another nail to my coffin (so to speak). I stopped going to the gym during finals week and I'm paying for it. I don't feel as happy, and I'm gaining weight again. I was steady at 240 for almost a month. That's a BIG deal. Well, I just checked. It's only been about a week since I last weighed myself and I have gained 10 pounds. I'm really concerned about how quickly I'm gaining weight. I'm gaining more weight and I'm the most negative person I've ever been.
So...
Goals: Go back to the gym. Stop drinking soda at work.

And yet another thing I could talk about is church.
I have not been happy with religion lately. In fact, I've been rather angry with it.
The week before I went to visit my parents (and sort through and pack my stuff there) there was a discussion in Relief Society that almost had me walking out of the building. The topic of dating standards came up and I was sickened by most of the comments. Everyone talked of their 'list' that they have. I have lived a rather lonely life in terms of dating and have learned not to be too selective. I learned a little too late honestly. I've said it before, but my biggest regret is Danny...and Spencer. I had 2 perfectly good men at different points in my life and I threw them away because they didn't completely make my 'list.' I'm done with that list. If I'm lucky enough to get asked out again, unless he's a total creep, I won't deny the possibility. No one is perfect. I have my sins just as everyone does. Who am I to deny potential suitors because they have some imperfections? The comment that bothered me the most was that of the RS president. She made it clear that she won't date anyone unless they do their home teaching.
Seriously???
(funny enough...she got released that day...)
I also struggle with being alone in my ward. I've made a couple of friends, but no close friends and I really don't know if there's potential for there to be any close friendships due to the fact that I can't ever go to church activities and I'm stuck at the organ now during Sacrament meeting.
I've been feeling very hateful about the whole situation. There are good people in there and I'm grateful I have ANY friends at all, but it's not like I had up in Ogden. I miss Ogden. ....I miss Jake...(oi)....
But, the other day I came to a realization that church isn't about socializing (LIGHTBULB!) and it isn't about trying to get a date. I struggle with my faith immensely still and that's what I need to focus on. Church is for worship. The end. Tomorrow I need to figure out how to focus on that. Somehow, I forgot that fact and I need to remember it better.

Anyways.

That's a little bit of my life right now. It's June.
Time to get some sun!

 
 

A Simple Update

About a month ago I posted about wanting to make some drastic changes in my life to make myself happier.
I'd like to update what's been going on as I think it's a good idea to state my progress.
As I have started a new job with fewer hours and not very good pay, I have not been able to afford much. I have run out of what essential oils I did have and haven't had much time to do anything else, but I did go to the local Planet Fitness (which happens to be a block away from where I work) and sign up for the $10 membership.
I have gone there at least twice a week since I signed up now and I can't tell you how much better I feel.
I have found that I am able to get out my frustrations and replace them with the high from the endorphins released. It's hard for me to not stay there all day long.
Today I was able to put the stationary bike on level 10, on random and bike for 45 minutes. Then I went to the treadmill and ran a mile (walked .25, ran 1.0, then walked .25). THEN I hit the weight machines.
I've had a similar routine most days I go.
I love that I can feel my muscles again.
I LOVE that I have more energy.
I LOVE that when I think of getting a Big Mac I get grossed out.
I LOVE that I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

There really is so much truth in the fact that the mind is tied to the physical state of the body.

I knew this before I suppose, but never have I truly believed it.

I haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained any, which is a big deal right now. I had been gaining weight consistently every week.

I LOVE IT! :)

My New Low...Albeit...a Funny One

Actually, I'm not sure if it's necessarily a new low, but it's definitely something I'll (hopefully) laugh at later in time...oh wait...I am laughing at it NOW.

I have developed this horrible obsession with Dr. Who.
It's true.

I was introduced to the show a few years ago by some friends and well...it was ok...but nothing super awesome.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?

After watching a couple of key episodes of Dr. Who with my friends Julie and Heather (ha ha...yes, my name is Heather and my best friend's name is Julie...but this was not us) I caved and tried to get hooked via Netflix.

I think I made it to the end of the first season.

Christoffer Ecceslton won my heart and I had a hard time wanting to watch David Tennant.

AGAIN

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?

I stopped watching after I got through the 2nd (?) season.

I think I gave up on it for close to a year.

WOW

Since I have had more free time, I have decided to start watching again.

I had heard of some key plot points and decided it was worth finding out the whole story.

BAD IDEA

Bad wolf maybe???

I watched the first episode of season 5 tonight.

Since my dating life has become extinct (2 years counts....right?) I have formed unhealthy attachments to tv characters.

I first developed a crush on the ever-so-handsome and debonaire Nathan Fillion. (I'm still in love with him and want to marry him...but.........)

Richard Castle has lost his....sparkle.

David Tennant....sigh....

What to say?

I got to the point of all I could think about was getting home to watch the next few episodes (because I can't watch just one...) because I just wanted to experience the pure yumminess of that man.

He truly is delicious.

Then I got to the New Year's episode of season 4 last night.

:(

I cried.

It's true.

I got to work today and I felt almost as if I had really lost a friend.

THIS IS NOT GOOD!!!!!

I need a hot man in real life because I can only see this obsession turning into posters on my wall and oh wait...he's already on my laptop wallpaper.

SIGH

It's a new low...but it doesn't necessarily feel low.

I just know it is lol....

Anyways.

The beautiful David Tennant will not be forgotten easily.
(probably not until I find my own 'companion')




Le sigh....... :)

My Mental Illness

I grew up with an entire kitchen drawer (and now cabinet) devoted to all of the medications that my parents had to take.
My dad has epilepsy, high blood pressure, depression and who knows what else at this point.
My mother has diabetes, high blood pressure, depression and (again) who knows what else.
My brother has psoriasis, high blood pressure, depression and ....
I think you get the picture.
My family is the prime example of medicated America.

They all suffer from depression...and so do I.

This past week has been hell on Earth.
I have come to hate everything about myself.
I have actually said it out loud more than once that I hate myself.
The sad part is...it's true.
I do hate myself.

I have been on medication for depression before...it helped. Sort of.
Right now I am fighting against going to the pharmacy and refilling my prescription for Prozac.
I know it will help me get out of this rut I'm in, but I also know the side effects of the medication.
And, I know the path that it will take me down.

I hate the thought of being medicated.

I don't want a drawer full of pills.

I am studying massage therapy.
With that comes the study of a lot of holistic healing modalities.
I am already a fan of Essential Oils.
I fell in love with Reflexology and I'm quickly falling in love with Accupressure.

I want so badly to never take another pill again (although, once a month for a couple of days I can't avoid taking pain killers because I'd end up in the hospital otherwise).

My thoughts are broken right now, so I apologize for the awkward flow...

I am unemployed and stuck in a rut of epic proportions right now, so I am limited on what I can actually do.

BUT

I want to do something.

I want to fight this depression.
I want to fight it, once and for all.

I want to find natural, holistic methods to take care of myself.

Below is a list I am making for myself of the things I need to do.

1. I need to change my diet.

I struggle with compulsive eating.
When I'm stressed out, there's nothing in the world that could stop me from eating an entire box of Little Debbie Fudge Rounds (or more).
So, how am I dealing with this???
Honestly, I'm not sure.
I'm trying to purchase better foods in which, if I have to binge, I won't feel so guilty about (Example: Yesterday I popped a bag of edamame in the microwave and ate the entire thing-no guilt trip on that one).
But, it's so easy to drive down the street and raid the junk food aisle. It just is.
This is something I need to work on still.

2. I need to exercise more.

I have gained a LOT of weight. I currently weigh a whopping 240 lbs (to put it in perspective, I've almost always been around 215-220 since high school...at one point I did get down to 185, but that was the lowest and that was in 2009...ever since then I've been constantly and consistently gaining weight). Yeah. There's a reason I hate myself.
When I wake up in the morning I can barely walk. My achilles tendons love to give me grief. My knees have always been deformed and cause problems of their own. Going up and down stairs is always fun...the popping, grinding and pain are always such a pleasure. My lower back is constantly on the verge of 'going out' as it has more than once in the past. My upper back is affected by my scoliosis. I'm constantly suffering from pinched nerve sensations going from my neck to my left pinky. My lungs like to tighten up if I do any physical activity. My heart freaks me out sometimes as well.
So, needless to say...as much as I want to work out, I really hate it. My body HURTS so badly whenever I do anything. I want to start running again (I have had the goal of RUNNING-not walking- a 5k someday and possibly a 10k) , and I know it would help my depression, but the anxiety of the pain I'll feel afterwards is not something I want to deal with again. I HATE being barely able to walk every morning. I purchased the Tony Horton 10 Minute Trainer dvds on Ebay last week. I figured...it's JUST 10 MINUTES!!! I can do anything for 10 minutes.Yesterday was pure torture. My body was hurting, every inch of every minute.
I wish I could stop hurting.
I'm still not sure how to cope with this...EVERYTHING makes me hurt....even yoga and walking.

3. I want to use herbs and oils.

Once I am financially sound again (like that will ever happen), I would like to use Essential Oils more. They are rather expensive, but I have already come to love them and I want to continue and increase my usage of them. DoTerra has a set of vitamins/supplements that I want to purchase as I have heard they do wonders for depression.
I don't want to add synthesized chemicals to my system (Prozac, etc). I want natural ingredients.

4. I want to learn to control my mind.

I want to invest in sound therapy/hypnosis/meditative type treatments.
Turn on your iPod, plug in your headphones and let soothing music or guided meditations take you to a better place. Hypnosis/subliminal therapy can help rewire your thought patterns and you don't have to spend thousands of dollars for treatments. (I sound like a salesperson right now...)
I downloaded a demo app on my phone yesterday that uses sound therapy to help stop the negative thought patterns. I listened to it once and sincerely felt better. I believe in the power of these things and need to make them a part of my life.

5. Psychotherapy (I'm actually very iffy on this one)

I have known many people that have been helped immensely by therapists.
I have also seen them ruin my family...more than once.
A lot of depression is caused by thought patterns. Those thought patterns need to be changed. And...sometimes it's just impossible to do it on your own.
If, after all of these other treatment options, I am still struggling and I am in a position to do something about it, I will contact a therapist and give them a try.

6. Acupressure/Acupuncture

I am currently studying Acupressure in my massage therapy school.
In our last session of practice my anxiety attack was completely shut down by the therapy my student therapist and even the TA were able to do on me.
The needles scare me, but I want to experience at least one session of Acupuncture.
There is real power in these treatment options and I want to explore them more.

7. Spirituality

I've mentioned it before in other posts.
My spirit is sick.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm not actually possessed by an evil spirit.
A great deal of my depression stems from my faith.
When my faith is strong, my depression is all but obliterated.
But, my faith has not been strong since the summer after I finished school.
I'm not sure how to fix my spirit.
I'm reading books, I've read scriptures, I've prayed, I've gone to church...
Nothing seems to help.
Every once and awhile I'll feel a glimpse of hope, but as soon as I acknowledge that, my soul is consumed by darkness.
The devil is real...and I hate him.


For now these are things I want to work on.
As my financial resources are limited right now I am not sure how I am going to do much of anything about it, but I know that I am stuck right now and I can't move forward until I can get my depression under control.

This guy...

...is my inspiration.

Someday I'll Figure This Out

....But until then...

Today was a day I hope I can forget.

Remember all that crap I went through to get to where I'm at right now?

I'm wondering if I've done a SINGLE thing right in my life.

I want to enjoy life, but I can't seem to figure it out.

I love to perform music, but I'm too lacking in confidence and dedication to do anything about it.
I love to teach, but the panic attacks I've had before just teaching a simple piano lesson aren't worth it.
I love math and science (Astronomy and Meteorology especially), but I don't want to be a scientist.
I love helping people, but I struggle so much with loving myself that I can't be the person I need to be.

I went to school and did the bachelor's degree thing. I loved it. I LOVE to play music and I don't regret that, but even now the thought of playing my clarinet brings up moments of panic.

What the hell am I supposed to do with my life?!

I know I have been blessed with many talents, but I have no clue what to do with them. If I find something I'm good at I soon find problems and can't seem to get past them.

I quit my job at Convergys today.

I had the chance, after walking out dramatically, to actually come back, but I leaned on my horrible confidence-lacking ego and said no.

What next you might say???

I have NO IDEA!

I'm coming up on turning 30 in a couple of years.
I'm not young anymore!
I have to stop wasting the time I've been given.

BUT I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!!!

How is it possible to be so incredibly low and still exist?

I'm not about to jump off of a cliff, don't worry.

I understand that it takes some time to figure out who you are and all that stuff, but really??? When am I going to figure ANYTHING out?!

It's like there's a brick wall in front of me every time I try to do something good.

I'm still in massage school and I don't plan on jumping ship anytime soon, but I can't help but feel that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do (whatever that is).

When I decided to make all these changes I did them because I was staring into a dark abyss and had no other choice.

I'm not a fan of life right now.

I feel like Rapunzel on Disney's Tangled...

Stuck in the same place I've always been
And I'll keep wonderin'
And wonderin'
And wonderin'
And wonderin'
When will my life begin?

It's not like I haven't tried to make changes. But, apparently I keep making the wrong choices. 
I am a complete and total utter failure right now.

My Career Vision

In my professional development class at UCMT we had the assignment to write out our visions of our future careers in massage therapy. I decided to share it here because if for nothing else, it will let me see it every once and awhile and remind me of what I'm working towards. So, here's my 'vision.' :)

I have learned through life’s experiences that you can’t even predict what tomorrow will bring. I have never been one to set goals and make plans. I’ve always just gone with the flow. But, things are changing. I have begun to dream and I see a wonderful life in my future regardless of the trials that may lie in store and wish to destroy me.

One year from now I see myself happily graduated from UCMT and working towards establishing myself as a professional massage therapist here in the Salt Lake valley. I am still single and living alone, but it’s ok. I have a small 2 bedroom apartment and a hairless cat (because I love cats and I can’t live without them, but I have to be conscientious of my clients) and/or a basset hound. In my living room area I have an electric piano keyboard and a flat screen television (and of course a couch that just screams to anyone, “SIT ON ME!”). There is also a chair and a music stand in the corner with a pile of clarinet music to the side that I’ve been practicing. The kitchen is small but bigger than I’ll ever need.  The table is covered with papers, books and nothing associated with eating other than something I’ve been snacking on while figuring out my bills (of course, this is clean when a client is over). The bathroom is clean and not falling apart. My bedroom is small but big enough to fit my bed, a dresser, and a desk for my laptop.

The other bedroom has my massage table set up, waiting for a tired, stressed out body that needs to relax. I may not have many private clients, but I have a few loyal practice clients that have stayed with me throughout school and are proud to have me as a therapist.  This bedroom is open and welcoming. During the day, sunlight floods through the windows. At night, all city lights are blocked off. There is a small table right next to the door as you walk in with a water feature and a bowl full of Andes Mints and a water bottle waiting for the end of the massage. Against the wall opposite the door is a short shelf that has a decorative essential oil diffuser and an iPod dock to play some relaxing music. There is also another short table in the corner in the back that has a warmer full of damp, warm wash cloths and any other supplies needed for the massage such as my lotion, oil, hot and cold therapy creams, and essential oils, etc. On the walls are pictures of sunsets, forests, trees and lakes or oceans that I have personally photographed. In the closet is a shelf with all necessary linens needed for the massage table along with water bottles for the client after the massage. Along with that are any other supplies for other types of massage, such as a mat for Thai Massage or a stone warmer for Hot Stone Therapy. When I am not giving massages at my apartment I can be found working at a local day spa.

I am also practicing my clarinet again, taking lessons and working on my application and audition to graduate school. Once I am accepted into graduate school I will work as a massage therapist to support myself while working on my master’s degree in clarinet performance. This will also be a great time to market myself to musicians around me because I know from personal experience how massage therapy can save one’s playing ability.

In 3-4 years when I graduate from graduate school I will still continue working as a massage therapist and possibly teach clarinet lessons and/or perform with a local orchestra and work towards getting my Doctorate so I can play in a professional symphony. My ultimate dream is to play in a recording orchestra that plays music for movie soundtracks. Is there anything better than getting to help others than through the power of music and massage? I doubt it!