Ranting Explained

I know I have a problem with telling things on here that I shouldn't, but at this point, if the people involved in my rantings see this, they will now know how I truly feel.

Boy #1
Danny and I have known each other possibly since kindergarten...maybe longer. He was my first kiss (at age 5), and the only person I knew that had a crush on me (probably still the only one to this day actually). I wrote him on his mission, we had wonderful chats online...and even a couple of fun chats on the phone. I was not all in on wanting to date him, but we had a friendship that had helped me develop a sincere care for him. He never held back that he liked me and that he wanted to date me. I was always hesitant and unsure. I finally gave in and said we could try the relationship thing (long-distance though, since he hasn't lived in Utah since junior high). After that, I lost it. There was very little communication at all. There were other things, but overall, it just didn't work. We met up a couple of times. The first time was really awkward, but I'll just let that be attributed to the fact that he had very recently returned from the mission. The other date was really good actually. He put his arm around me, and I honestly would've let him kiss me that night. But, the damage had already been done by that point. There were some things I could not allow myself to like about him (rpg...) and I had already told him it wasn't going to happen. FAIL. So, fast-forward to now. He has met someone and is already talking wedding dates. It's not like I am sad that he found someone. It just hurts because our friendship is pretty much non-existent now and I feel rejected (even though I rejected him first....stupid...I know...but I'll tell you...his putting his arm around me really felt good and I really thought there might still be a chance). So, yeah. Rejection.

Boy#2
Jon is an interesting story. We went on a couple of dates. I wasn't feeling 100% interested. Nothing really happened. Story over...well...sort of. He and I are still friends. I enjoy talking to him, because I enjoy having any friend at all. I lack guy friends, so that's even better...right? Well, I'm beginning to rethink that. All he talks about to me is other girls he's dating or dated. Even though I'm not interested in him for something serious, it sucks hearing him talk about other girls. I mean...what is a real friendship with a guy supposed to be like? I don't know! Anyways. So...more rejection.

(I know this is full-out rejection per-say, but it's the knowledge that I don't mean anything to these people anymore...knowing that they've moved on, and I'm feeling like a complete failure in the dating game)

Boy #3
Kevin. Oh dear, sweet Kevin. He asked me out. I felt like maybe we were supposed to go out. But, now, I think we merely were meant to be friends. It was completely flattering with the situation though. I know of many people that knew and told me how nervous he was to ask me out. The thought that I could be intimidating enough to someone like him just floors me. But, it was really cute. But, I also somehow managed to evade every chance we had to go out. So, the date never happened. It's all good though. He has met someone now and keeps telling me how happy he is. Which, I'm really truly happy for him. He deserves someone that likes him as much as it sounds like she likes him. It still hurts that I wasn't able to be right in that situation though.

Boy #4
This is the newest one. His name is Spencer. We had a magical day and half together in Logan. He held my hand, we cuddled, we had the deepest conversation I've ever had with a guy before. After that date though, I got really freaked out. I had never held anyone's hand until that night. Not only did he hold my hand, but pretty much everywhere we went, we were holding hands (in public). Now, for someone like me that does not have a lot of dating experience, this was beyond overwhelming. We had a second date. We went to see Inception (great movie by the way). I was successful in avoiding the hand-hold throughout the entire date. Our departure was relatively awkward since he dropped me off at a friend's place and I hadn't seen her in years. So, yeah. I'm fairly certain he was not happy that I didn't even hold his hand. We had discussed that he was going to date other girls and that we weren't exclusive. So, I figured I was ok with everything. Wrong! After our first date he posted as his status on facebook (well, I was going to copy/paste it, but he has since deleted that post...burn!) something to the effect that he had gone to Logan with a 'beautiful lady' to visit his friends. Well, I was feeling bad about the way things ended, so I thought up the idea last night to invite him over for dinner. I'm glad prayers are answered. I prayed for help to know if this was a good or bad idea. ..... Well, I got online today, and his new post said that he had just had the best date ever...blah blah blah...something about a sweet, beautiful date. So, yeah. Oh, and when people asked him who he was with on my date, he never put my name. On this new one, he put her name. Let's just say I'm glad I didn't get to ask him out. Thank you Heavenly Father!

GUYS SUCK
THE END!