Impromptu

Any time I hear one of the 4 Impromptus written by Schubert (Op. 90) I feel inspired. Actually, to say that I feel inspired is to put it mildly. I feel my heart leaping out of my chest. I feel my mind thinking of the notes. I feel my body move with the music. My fingers ache to be playing the piano when I hear any of those pieces. My soul yearns to be creating that music.
I don't know why these pieces have such a particular pull on my heart. Maybe it's because I can play them in some form or another. The second Impromptu was a song I actually tried to learn on my own during high school. I had the first page memorized, but it never went beyond that. It's hard music, but it's music I can actually play (well...I'm not so sure about the 4th Impromptu...that one is a little beyond my abilities at the moment). I wish I could explain what I'm feeling right now. I think my biggest regret in life is not doing more with the one true gift I have been given in this life. I gave up on piano in 7th grade. After hearing some new age music by Jon Schmidt, I feel in love with playing the piano again. In high school I learned a piano piece almost every year for the solo and ensemble festival. After 2 horrific experiences of forgetting the last page while performing (2 separate years), I gave up. I knew I could never be the pianist I thought I would be. So, I focused on clarinet. It was worth it for the experiences I've had with that instrument and I hope I never stop playing. But, my one true love has always been the piano. I get asked to accompany time and time again for small musical numbers and so on. I always feel so inadequate since my technical abilities reached their peak in 7th grade when I starting taking from a professor at BYU. I wish I could do more. There are so many more able players out there that I always feel unworthy of accompanying such wonderful musicians. But, even so, with any mistakes I make, I always enjoy doing it. It is not uncommon for me to be complimented on my playing (as an accompanist...something I'm not sure is done very often). So, after so many compliments and being told that I have a gift...is it a wonder that I feel like I need to do something about this and start over? I hope my saying that I have a gift doesn't come out snooty or pompous or anything like that. I really don't know what I sound like when I play. I know what people tell me. If a highly respected piano professor (Dr. Vanderbeek at WSU) tells you you have a gift, you probably want to believe it. :) If I had a piano right now, I would probably be pounding at the keys to my soul's delight. When I was at home, I would play all the time and play what fit my mood. Music was my therapy. I didn't know what stress was until I got to college...and I think my lack of being able to cope with it was due to me not being able to play whenever I needed to.
Anyways.
What I'm trying to say at this very moment (as I'm listening to those Impromptus), is this:
My life has felt so dead lately. I feel like I'm in the deepest, darkest hole possible. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and I have no sense of direction. I have had no idea what I want to do with my life and I have no idea how to get myself out of this hole. Things have happened in my life this past week that have led me to this conclusion. I want to take piano lessons again. I want to audition for the piano program at Weber. I want to go back to school. And, I want to get a degree in piano pedagogy. I want to perform at Concerto Night. I want to accomplish something in my life that I'll be proud of (Yes, playing first chair at a concert in Carnegie Hall is impressive and fun to brag about, but I really never felt any heart in that performance). I am very much like my mother. My mom got a degree in piano pedagogy at BYU. I love her dearly and as a child always wanted to do what she did when I grew up. It wasn't a matter of thinking I would. I just assumed I would. So, in an impromptu way, I think I will be signing up for piano lessons this week and taking that first step in my life towards a dream I'm daring to dream. The first dream I've ever really had. I want to share my soul with the world. I share myself best through music. Piano has always been my better instrument.
Wish me luck, pray for me and...please, PLEASE don't let me give up. :)