Just Friends

I always have the perfect blog planned out in my mind and then I get to this screen and my mind goes blank. Fail.
My life has been on the most extreme roller coaster as of yet. I will be talking about people in this. If you happen to read this and know that it's you I'm talking about, deal with it. I need to vent, and really don't know who to talk to. Sometimes writing things out is the best therapy, but knowing that no one will be able to see it makes it feel useless. Therefore I am posting it to this blog. I think I have a couple of readers...so, yeah. Enjoy...or whatever. You really don't need to read this unless you want to hear me complain. (Something I do a lot apparently)

So, I'm not even sure where to begin.

The biggest thing on my mind right now is a guy (shocker) and those 2 words that haunt every possible relationship known to mankind. "Just friends." What a way to kill any possible excitement for me. Last week I came to the conclusion that I never wanted to get married. This was more than just giving up. It was a full reversal on the idea. Last week I started looking at my life in a way that I knew I was going to be living alone and providing for only myself (and maybe some cats and/or dogs). I guess when you get too far off 'the path' something will happen in your life to make you realize it and you get pulled back into the whole mess that is the single life wanting to not be single.

So, a couple of weeks prior to this I received an instant message from an old friend/past date-ee that I haven't really heard from since August. If you read my blog, you will probably remember my account of going to Logan, dancing in the street, holding hands, etc. Well, folks...he has returned. Sort of. I think if my life were ever to be a movie or have a movie character in it, this guy would be IT. He is my movie life. Maybe that's why I find it so hard to believe most of the time. Anyways. We shall call him Logan. Just for the sake of not calling him by his real name...I have to feel like I'm trying to be discrete. HA...
Anyways.
So, as I was saying. I received an instant message from him. He has moved and now lives (in a round about way) a couple blocks away. Suddenly, he's back in my life. He started talking to me online almost every night. We decided to 'hang out' (those evil words make me shudder sometimes) at the duck pond last weekend. We had a wonderful walk around the pond and campus. There is something about this guy that I don't quite get, but I like it. Every time we talk it turns into important conversations. I'm not sure how and why, but it happens almost every time. Like I said, I don't quite get it. But, with some recent events in my life, it's just what I needed...and then some. I had a great time. I'm not sure what he was thinking. Online talking has continued...for the most part. Then, Tuesday we went to the same institute class. Another friend of mine had been trying to get me to go to the same class, but I was avoiding it to a certain extent...there are many reasons why, but that's not important right now. So, after him inviting me to go...I figured I should just go. I'm sure the Lord needed me to go that night (about 99.999999% sure on that one). Anyways. I sat with my other friend. I didn't know what to do. Anyways...where am I going with this???
He and I had the conversation that he was only dating for friends and I wasn't in any position to deal with a relationship right now. Well...that may have been true when I said it. But, it isn't anymore. I forgot what it's like to have a guy in my life.
There is another guy that I dated for a very short time that I still see on a weekly basis. The more and more I interact with him, the more I really like him. It has been hard to fight those feelings, since well...I just can't like him right now (among other things, I'm pretty sure he's not terribly interested in me anymore). I also recently ventured into the online dating world. Started emailing and eventually texting a guy that lives in San Diego. He NEVER once tried to call me. At that time, it was perfect. I just needed to have someone to talk to...(preferably a guy, because honestly, I'm just tired of 'girl' friends...and I really do prefer texting, sadly enough). So, I was ok with it. That stopped a couple of weeks ago...I'm not worried about it. It was never very real to me. So....with all this...I guess the right thing for me has been what has been. I had the San Diego conversations, and I had the past date-ee to flirt with once and awhile to get it out of my system. I thought I was fine. I didn't need anyone in my life. I was FINE!
Then Logan started back up. I'm still not sure how serious I would want to be with him due to too many different reasons. But, we have conversations that I crave to have in my life. He's been a good friend to me. And it's too hard for me to hold on and be 'just friends.' I have to keep reminding myself that every time I think about him. I was FINE. Why did I have to be reminded that I like the male version of our species and that I really do want to get married??? I was so much better off being happy as a single person.
WHYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!
I need a corner to go cry in.
The end.