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"You Don't Find Who You Truly Can Be Until You Have Lost Everything You Once Were. " -Chad Hymas
"Our Greatest Weakness Lies in Giving Up. The Most Certain Way to Succeed is Always to Try Just One More Time." -Thomas Edison

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Another Weight Issue Blog...

I, YET AGAIN, have lost some weight and turned around to gain more.
The stretch marks, the rolls, the tight clothing...it's really getting to me.
I keep trying to lose weight, but I get in my own way.
I freak out, get stressed out about something else, get sick or whatever the case may be and fall off the bandwagon after about a week of any changes made... EVERY FREAKING TIME!
I'm TIRED of being THAT person.
I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been (except for when I was about 75 pounds lighter).
(This was taken in April 2009...I weighed in around 185 and my size 16 pants were falling off in that picture)

I don't hate myself anymore, but I don't want to be this blob of a person. I want to be that confident, healthier person that looks like she can conquer the world (which is literally how I felt in that picture)
I cannot physically do the work I've been in school all year learning to do.
Besides the mental games, I have physical issues keeping me from losing weight.
I did sprain my ankle back at the end of May and still have issues (for example-yesterday in my clinic rotation I could barely walk by the end due to the spasming and cramping from my ankle to my mid-thigh and screamed in pain the entire way home). I also have tendonosis that flares up in one or both of my achilles whenever I start something up as well. My right knee also has some issues. I'm not sure what exactly (as I have no recollection of injuring it), but it swells up, and the ligaments hurt anytime I contract my quads. I also have my lower back pain that tries to get in the way as well...but I'm fairly used to it now.
So, I do have a bit of an excuse for not being terribly physically active. But that just makes it worse. And, I know if I could lose some weight, a lot of these problems would be lessened or even removed. I have had the goal of running a 5k ever since I was at that 185 mark. One time I went running around my hometown and afterwards realized I had run over 4 miles...and I wasn't even tired! I actually REALLY enjoy running. Every time I start a new exercise routine I end up in pain. And it's not minor pain that can just be ignored. It's a horrible cycle.
What I'd really like to do someday is a Ragnar. No joke!
BUT
Along with my exercise woes, I have food issues.
I eat compulsively even though I actually hate food.
When I was preparing meals on Sunday for the rest of the week I couldn't bring myself to eat them because I had no appetite. I really truly hate food (I can't live without it, I'm addicted to it, and it disgusts me all at the same time).
Maybe I need to go on The Biggest Loser.
A friend of mine up at Weber applied to be on that show. I thought for sure she would get on. I had no need to even consider going on that show because I wasn't ridiculously overweight. Now I am.
NBC....if you ever see this...PICK ME!!!! (ok...like that's going to happen...but it's worth a shot!) :)
Anyways.
I don't know why I'm posting this right now. I guess today it really hit me.
I've got some walking dvds. Maybe I'll start there.
The next 2 weeks are going to be rough as I'm working 8am to 6:30pm and going straight to school from 7pm to 10:30pm. I don't know if I'll have the umph I need to start something new, but I can't wait until school is out to start. I have to start now.
I really need a miracle.

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