Blog Challenge Day 12

Hey! I didn't forget to blog today (although, it is past midnight...oops!)

Your proudest accomplishment

This is a tough one.

There is a moment I should be most proud of...playing a solo in a concert on the stage at Carnegie Hall...but that's really not my proudest moment. It was awesome and so amazing and every musician's dream. But, it wasn't my dream (which kills me to say, as I'm sure so many other musicians in my group would have done anything to be heard for 2 lines of music in that most brilliant of concert halls).

My proudest accomplishment, however grand though, has a lot of negative feelings attached to it, so I tend to not think of it as a moment of pride. But, I do take pride in it nevertheless.I'm sure I sound so completely backwards here. Trust me, I know.

I've already mentioned it in another post, so I won't dive into it too much here.

Walking across the stage to receive my awards and diploma for finishing massage school was my greatest accomplishment thus far in my life.

That year in school nearly killed me, and to finish, not only JUST finish, but get a 4.0 GPA, 100% attendance, and be a member of the High Five Club is what keeps me going when I wonder what the heck I was thinking. Even now I sometimes wonder why I went through so much stress and why I'm doing what I do for a career. Knowing that I accomplished those things, for some reason that I cannot explain, keeps me going. I worked my butt off during that hellish year of my life and it was nice to have something to show for it.

Blog Challenge Days 10-11

There's a link in this post and I can't get it to copy the way it needs to, so I'm just posting the link to my other blog.

http://singleandneverbeenkissed.blogspot.com/2014/10/blogging-challenge-days-10-11_19.html

Blog Challenge Days 5-9

The battery on my laptop exploded and it took me until today to try my laptop again. It's not overheating nearly as much now without a battery in it. And it's much lighter now. I should've taken that thing out a long time ago!

Anywho, I'm very behind on my blogging challenge posts, so I'll try to get caught up now...

5-The biggest misconception you think people have about single life

I honestly don't know what people conceive about the single life these days, so I really don't have a response to this. Most of the people I interact with are single or are my age and see things the same as I do.
I know that the media portrays it as empowering and tragic at the same time. So, it's really hard to even know what to say. So, I'll be a bum and leave it at that.

6-Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”

I've never heard this quote until now. I think it's absolutely ridiculously and a farce. I am single and want a love life more than anything in the world, but for some reason it has not happened to me yet. I've had small glimpses, but never a real love life. (I've never been kissed, remember?)  I believe in God and believe (as hard as it is to admit it) he has guided me to this point in my life and the love life he wants for me hasn't happened yet. One day, the love life I want will align to the will of my Father in Heaven and it will happen when it is supposed to.  

7-Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

I am nowhere NEAR where I thought I would be at this point. 10 years ago I was one year into schooling to become a high school band director. I had plans of serving a mission and getting married before I was 24. I had envisioned myself as being a stay-at-home mom and teaching piano lessons at home like my mom did.

I didn't go on a mission, I didn't become a high school band director (I majored in performance instead of education and then later became a massage therapist) and obviously I didn't get married and become a stay-at-home mom. As much as it pains me to not be where I wanted to be, I wouldn't give up the lessons I've learned. I know now I am far better prepared to be a wife and mother now than I ever imagined I could be 10 years ago. I cringe at what my family would have had to endure with me being the person I was back then. 

8-Five things that are most important to you in a future mate

I hate doing these 'lists.' But, I will oblige for this blog post, and since I only get to list 5, I will be very careful. The 5 most important things in a future mate to me are (in no particular order):
     1~The same religious beliefs (I want to be able to see eye-to-eye on as many things as possible, especially religious beliefs)
     2~Honesty
     3~Forgiving/Understanding of my imperfections
     4~Educated/Intelligent
     5~Generally Happy/Good attitude (Life happens and it's not all sunshine and rainbows, I get that as I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but a good attitude makes a huge difference)
It's hard to narrow it down to just 5. Harder than I thought. Phew!

9-Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)

Apparently everything about me is weird as I've come to learn from even my best friends. But, probably my favorite thing to do is dance around in my bedroom with music turned up loud on my headphones, or on the speakers if no one else is home (I do have roommates that might not appreciate the noise). 

These responses are short and I'm not sure if they merit the title of "Blog" but, there you go. Tomorrow is day 10!

Blog Challenge Day 4

So...it's past midnight, but I'm still awake...it's still technically Sunday...right???? :-)

Your biggest fear as a single person.

My biggest fear, as with anyone else, is that I will never get married and have a family of my own. 

I have always wanted to be a mother. I desperately do not want to be alone for the rest of my life as well. The world is becoming a scary place. Wars, viruses, politics, etc. are common day news now. Not having someone beside you...not having loved ones close by...it's terrifying! 

Who wants to face such a future without someone by their side?

I know I don't. 

This is a rather short response because it speaks for itself. 

Blog Challenge Day 3

I almost forgot to post today. The battery on my laptop decided to explode, so I am confined to my phone until further notice. I've also been sick all day long fighting off a possible flu bug. So, hopefully I can finish this before midnight. 

Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

I don't know that there has been one specific moment where being single has been awesome. 

I find that I am grateful to be single when I hear about my friends going through divorces or dealing with problems with their kids. And then there are the moments when I realize how free I am to do anything I want. 

Feeling the way I do right now I don't think I'll write much more on this unfortunately. I'm not feeling terribly thoughtful. 

Reality

Today I got a text from my mom about my dad. 

Despite the insurance companies turning down the care my dad needs, my mom was able to find hospice care for my dad.  My mom made it known that they now have a hospital bed set up in the living room and he will be receiving care visits 3 times a week now. 

Is this real?!

My dad's health has been failing over the past few years for sure. For those that don't know, he has epilepsy and cerebral palsy. Last summer he suffered from a stroke in his brain stem. He experienced yet another brain stem stroke earlier this year, and has probably been experiencing mini strokes often. I have not visited my father due to various reasons (time being one, being unable to deal with this situation is another...and not having a great relationship with my dad is yet another). But, from what my mom says, it's only a matter of time. Hospice care is kind of the end of the line. 

I don't know how to deal with this. At all. 

I can't believe this is happening to him and to my family. 

I always thought both of my parents would be there for me if I ever got married. I doubt my dad will ever get to hold a grandchild. My 88 year old grandfather will probably outlive his own son. Had my grandmother not succumbed to Alzheimer's she would probably have outlived him as well. She survived colon cancer for crying out loud. 

Anyways. I'm at a loss for what to think, feel, or do now. 

After his first stroke, we as a family realized his time was probably coming soon. When the second stroke hit we all wished it had taken him. He's suffering. My mom is suffering. 

I know life happens...but sometimes nothing can really prepare you for what happens next. 

Blog Challenge Day 2

Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

There have been many times when being single has sucked. But, the most emotional time for me has to have been when I graduated from UCMT this past December.
The entire year leading up to my graduation was a dark time in my life. I went home every night to a dark basement apartment and struggled through each and every day. I started and left 2 jobs in a matter of 3 months and finally settled into the third job at Subway, a place I had sworn never to return to. I made a couple of friends at work and school and I was living in the same house as my aunt and uncle, but despite this, I felt so alone. I was struggling with my faith in a way that can only be described as being in hell. I had foolishly contacted past crushes, and in an effort to spark something, I burned down everything. My heart was broken, I felt like a burden to my family and I was completely miserable. My depression had hit a new low, I was dealing with some other issues I'm not going to talk about here. I had also experienced getting my wallet stolen, an almost broken ankle, car problems, my dad had a stroke (I went to the hospital every night before and after class while he was there). I was in a new city and didn't know that many people and the few people I knew I felt a struggle to really connect with.
Despite all of this, I managed to get to the end of the school year (having only missed 2 hours of class time due to my radiator breaking on me) with 100% attendance (which means I was there every night and had made up the class time I had missed because of my car), a 4.0 GPA and became a member of the "High Five Club" (which means I did the necessary 5 hours of clinic sessions each and every time I was there).

So, I felt that when I got to walk across the stage to receive my awards and my diploma that it would be nice to have someone there for me. However, not only did I not have a significant other, but my family wasn't there. I walked across the stage and only my classmates cheered for me (and even then...it wasn't a loud cheering). I had gone through so much and felt so proud of what I had accomplished and I had no one to share it with. That was truly the WORST time being single sucked. 

The Single Woman 30-Day Blogging Challenge

Probably a year or so ago a friend of mine introduced me to the genius of Mandy Hale. Mandy Hale has a Twitter and Facebook feed as well as a blog and has authored a couple of books as well. Her online persona is called "The Single Woman."

Mandy/The Single Woman is a voice for all single women in the world right now. I purchased her book, "The Single Woman" shortly after finding out who she was, but never really got into the book until last night. I pulled up my Kindle App while on the train to my dance class and started reading. When class was over I pulled it out again. I got so hooked into it that I decided to miss my stop and keep riding (and reading). I knew that if I got in my car and went home I wouldn't read anymore for that night. I ended up riding to the end of the line and back. I was distracted from time to time while reading, but for the most part I just read. It has been a long time since I have been this caught up in a book. Everything she has to say, in the book and on her Twitter and Facebook feeds are so very much needed by me right now.

My dating life is non-existent. Still. 

I thought I had something with someone I met on Tinder a couple of months ago, but I guess I was mistaken (as I always seem to be apparently). I finally opened up to someone new (first time in 3 years) and got slapped in the face. So, this "Single Woman" thing has come into my life at a perfect time. 

I had gotten used to and comfortable with the idea of being single. I had even gotten to the point of having convinced myself that I never wanted to get married.  But, I felt so compelled to get on Tinder, and now I'm having a hard time wanting to get back on the band wagon of being single and happy. I allowed myself to dream again and it really hurts saying goodbye to that dream for now...AGAIN.

So, back to The Single Woman. On her Twitter feed I noticed she had been posting about a 30-day blogging challenge. Before I started reading her book again I had been pondering the idea of sharing my stories in an effort to be a support for others in my situation. So...
 I have decided to start a new blog focusing on my experiences of being single, dating and whatnot. I have titled it "Single and Never Been Kissed."
It's cheesy, I know. But, it's the truth (unless you count my kiss from Danny when we were ridiculously young).

Anyways...

Here's what I posted on the other blog. I want to post my responses to the challenge on both blogs...just because. :) Here goes....

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I came across this challenge yesterday before creating this blog and wanted to participate.
These are the questions for each day.

1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”
2)      Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.
3)      Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.
4)      Your biggest fear as a single person.
5)      The biggest misconception you think people have about single life
6)      Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”
7)      Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point
8)      Five things that are most important to you in a future mate
9)      Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)
10)   Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you
11)   Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date
12)   Your proudest accomplishment
13)   Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship
14)   Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful
15)   Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?
16)   If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?
17)   What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?
18)   If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?
19)   What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?
20)   Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it
21)   How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?
22)   What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?
23)   Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)
24)   If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?
25)   Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?
26)   Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why
27)   Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.
28)   Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.
29)   Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.
30)   Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say

So, without further ado...
1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

I hate this question. Although I've never actually been asked this directly, it has been implied.
Why am I still single?
It's not for lack of doing everything in my power (to the best of my abilities) to not be single. But, obviously it isn't the right time nor am I in the right place. Yes, I'm a little bitter and cynical at times about it, but I'm learning every day to be better and I have grown so much because of the experiences I have had. Looking back, even to just a year ago, I see that I was not ready to be in a relationship and I'm grateful for this time to learn more about myself and to be better prepared for that time when someone else will be in my life.