Changes Will Come and Go

Wow...can I just say...I am loving life right now? It has been the hardest, but most wonderful year of my life so far. I had a friend pass away, I got to play a concert in Carnegie Hall (in which I was 1st chair clarinet), I failed yet again in some classes, I went on the most amazing date, I changed my major, my tendonitis got so bad I think it's carpal tunnel syndrome (I could barely move my hand!) I lost 30 pounds (give or take a few), oh man...I had a whole list lined up and forgot most of it. Oh well. It's only June and I just love it. My dreams are coming true finally.
Last week I moved into Harrison Heights right across the street from WSU campus. My roommate is like my long lost sister. She and her friend were doing P90X and now I'm doing it with them (something I've thought about doing for awhile now). Her friend is amazing. I'm trying to avoid developing a crush on him. I just won't go down that road again. He took us out to play disc golf last week and it was so much fun! Anyways...it's late and I really need to be in bed. I wish I could explain how happy I am right now. It really does take getting to your lowest point to really understand what true happiness is. And I'm sure I haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg yet. Which, in some respects is super exciting, but on the opposite spectrum, it's out right scary. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new ward. People talk to me in there! AND! I don't have to play the organ (at least...I don't think I do...eek!) Although, I actually did enjoy playing. This week includes a job interview, finding out if I got another job, starting out as a section leader in the Chorale (I've done band....but not choir...I'm kind of nervous), I'm doing summer folk dance...and...well...I can't explain it...I want to do more! Ah...I'm tired. I need sleep. Here's to a great summer. I need to figure out when I can go running still...hmmm....Anyways...until next time.

Boredom= actually writing a new blog...ha ha

Wow...it's been a while. I guess I got a little busy with going to New York, fighting off the thought of liking someone, and trying to graduate.
The trip to New York was amazing. I got to play a concert in Carnegie Hall with the WSU Wind Ensemble. I was proud of how well we did. It wasn't amazing beyond description, but it definitely put Weber on a different level (I think). The highlights of the trip for me (although the concert was great...getting to play some solos was definitely cool) include seeing Wicked, walking through Central Park, and meeting the man that's responsible for me still being in band. Wicked was indescribable. I want to go back and see it again. I loved it. I can't stop listening to the music. Even when it's not playing, I'll wake up with pieces from it stuck in my head. Some of the songs ring so true to how I've been feeling lately. It's AMAZING. :) Walking through Central Park was great. I wish I could've had all day to spend in there...later in the spring (or even summer) when things are greener. Honestly, when I was there, I didn't really enjoy the city for the majority of the time we were there. But, once Julie and I went out to explore the area on our own, I developed a small attachment to it. I want to go back and really experience it, not as a tourist, but as a resident or something like that (maybe a nanny job...hmm) Anyways...when our bigger group took a walk through the park, it saved me. New York City really is a BIG city. That park was such an escape from the noise and flow of the city.
And...finally, the best thing was meeting the composer Johann de Meij. He wrote a symphony based on the Lord of the Rings books long before there was a movie. When I was in high school, I got to play at the University of Utah honor band concert. The first movement of that symphony was a selection for our concert. After the concert I went out and purchased a copy of the symphony. I blame that piece for instilling in me the desire to play more music like that. I still love the entire symphony to this day. I would love to conduct it someday, but I don't think that will happen (now that I've changed my major...but we'll see...I can always get my mater's degree in conducting...hmm). Johann de Meij ended up coming to hear our concert (he had some connections with one of our soloists). I saw him standing outside Carnegie Hall after our concert. It took more guts than I can describe to muster enough courage to go meet him. But, it was so worth it. He was extremely nice. He didn't have the persona of being snobby or full of himself. It was truly an amazing night. :)
So, the trip was great. I have a new level of hatred towards flying...but know that I can handle it. The flight to NY was pretty much the worst flight I've ever been on. I took 2 benadryl to put me to sleep...it didn't work. I was dizzy, groggy and tired the entire flight...it was bumpy...VERY bumpy (I thought we were going to fall out of the sky...seriously)...and I was stuck between the 2 biggest guys in the band (and I'm no toothpick either). I remember grabbing the tray at one point and praying the hardest I think I've ever prayed in my life...it got that scary for me. I was sore for the next few hours from holding on to the tray so tightly. And, the few minutes of sleep I did get ended up being the start of my having no voice for the following 2 weeks. My throat got so dry whenever I started to sleep that sometimes I wonder if that wasn't what kept me awake. Yeah...I don't enjoy flying...anyways...

In other news, I sort of graduated too....hmm...
Everyone keeps asking me how I 'sort of' graduate. Easy...you pay the money, get your name in the program, walk, get the diploma cover, take pictures, get your grades, scream a little and retake a couple of classes during the summer because a C- just isn't enough. Yeah...it sucks. Oh well...

Cool story...last summer I was trying on pants...almost had to buy a size 18. Today I tried on a pair of shorts...size 12. They fit like a glove (not a tight one though). I've lost about 30 pounds since last year. It's amazing! I hope I can keep losing more. It's a crazy idea...but I'd love to be a size 8...hmm...just for once. :)

So...last but not least (although...it's getting there)...
I'm not sure how much to write right now. I doubt this person will see this, but you never know. I keep forgetting that people read this...and people I know and don't know see this without me knowing who sees it....wow...that was quite a weird way of wording it.
Anywho...I want to update any curious mind as to what happened (or didn't happen) with that wonderful guy in the pictures from my previous post.
As much as I liked him, and truly had the best date I've ever been on, I guess he wasn't interested in doing anything with me past that dance. I've made attempts at another date and failed. He's still a great person and I would never turn down an opportunity to spend time with him. But, as I see it, he's not interested (why else would someone as nice as him ignore my texts and email?) and I'm left feeling fairly confused about a few things, trying to get over it all. It's probably good that I don't know him as well as I've known my other crushes. It took them getting married for me to get over them. Ha ha...I'm pathetic sometimes :)
Anywho. It was a great experience. I can't imagine anything better. I couldn't ask for anything more. But, somehow I have this feeling that there has to be, or else I'm in serious trouble.

Anywho...I should stop. It's summer and I can't wait. My goals this summer are to:
-run a 5K (maybe even a 10K if I can train for it...I ran over 4 miles a couple weeks ago and probably could've kept going if I hand't been moving all day...and if it wasn't 10 at night)
-go to Lagoon and ride the Colossus...never ridden it...I'm scared of rides like that
-go hiking a few times
-maybe drive to the beach...if I can afford it
-maybe fly out to NY again...ha ha (not likely, but a trip to NY & DC would be sweet)
-go on dates (yes...dates)
-pass spanish and lit classes once and for all
-apply to massage therapy school, meteorology at the U, and/or graduate music programs...not sure about that one yet
-HAVE FUN!!! :)

GOOD NIGHT! :)

Flowers and Dancing

Oh my goodness!!!! I had the night of my life!!!!

I finally did it...I asked out someone...and I'm so glad I did!

Tonight was amazing. I went to pick up Jake and he presented me with those beautiful flowers. I have never been given flowers before. I almost cried when I saw them! Seriously!

Anyways. We went to Applebee's for dinner. Had a great time. Then we went to the dance at the institute. He's an AMAZING dancer. He was spinning me around and everything. I was literally swept off my feet. Jake is such an amazing person. I would love to go out with him again. Seriously. It's going to be hard to not let this get out of hand. I did not want to see him walk away from my car. Tonight went by way too fast. I like him. I liked him before...but now it's certain. I like him. :) Well...it's past 1am...I need to shower...and I have to get ready to leave for New York tomorrow. Ai....I can't wait to get back!

Snow Falling Gently to the Ground

It's snowing. And as I look out my bedroom window I feel a sense of overwhelming peace.
Life has been anything but peaceful lately. So it's nice to just sit here and look and watch. I forgot why I loved winter so much.
I'm a little worried...my computer is acting up right now.
Anyways.
After Tanner passed away a lot of changes have been going on in my life. I have pretty much failed at most of my goals...but I can still keep trying. But, I've been trying to get up in the mornings and read my scriptures (it hasn't happened in a couple of weeks though) instead of at night. Anyways...I have also made some other changes, but they're more personal.
So, the thing I think I learned the most from Tanner's funeral was that he lived his life to the fullest. He didn't have anything to regret...at least that I know of. So, lately as I have been making decisions, I have been able to reflect on that and make better decisions. Case in point. Next weekend is a dance at the institute. This is probably my last semester at the Ogden Institute, so I wanted to actually go to the dance as kind of a last fling kind of thing.
Somehow, I got up enough courage to ask someone to the dance (since it was girls' choice). I felt good about asking him and thought everything would be fine. Turns out he has a girlfriend...ha ha. So, I figured that adventure was done and over with. Then I went to ward prayer. My friends started bugging me about asking someone else. The person they were telling me I should ask is someone I see every day. I have actually wanted to have a chance with this young man since I saw his beautiful face. He really is (at least to me) the best looking young man I have ever met. He is such a nice guy and has been nice enough to make me smile on occaision. So, when they told me to ask him out, I finally caved. So, not only did I muster up enough guts to ask out one person, but I ended up asking out a second person. This is like a world record for me.
Anyways. He said yes and now I've been going absolutely nuts. I want nothing more than for things to go well at this dance between us. I don't know if he's looking or if he's even interested, but I'm at a point in my life where I would love nothing more than to settle down and so on. I know I need a lot of practice in the dating world....and I forgot where I was going with that thought. Anyways. I know I can't expect too much. But, I hope beyond anything that this goes well. As far as I know, he is an amazing person and I feel so honored that he would agree to going to a dance with me.
The day after the dance the Weber State Wind Ensemble flies to New York to play a concert at Carnegie Hall. We've known about this trip since this time last year. It's hard to believe that it's here. We leave in less than a week! I can't believe it. I'm not sure how I feel about it still to be honest. I've had mixed feelings since I heard about it. But, I think we'll be fine.
I'm mostly anxious for this dance. I'm so glad I have the dance to worry about to keep my mind off of how much I hate to fly.

:) I guess that's all for now.

A new tab on life

So, a couple of weeks ago, through a random course of events, I very graciously ended up with an old guitar. It is small, has some big cracks and the frets are not too great. But, it's a beautiful instrument.
I have never ever really learned how to play guitar. I have held one, but not more than 10 times in my entire life. I am a clarinet and piano player...not a guitarist. But, I have always wanted to learn the trade. Guitars are wonderful instruments, and they are portable, requiring no reeds or special hardware (most of the time at least). So, with this new guitar, I have become quite unsure as to how to react. It doesn't feel quite right, but I'm super excited. I got onto a website today and started teaching myself how to play a little bit. I can do a small chromatic scale and 4 chords already. It's wonderful. I don't know why, but something still isn't right about this situation, but I'm going to take advantage of it while I still can. It's almost as if I don't deserve this guitar.
I hope I can one day be worthy of owning a guitar.
I want to be able to sing songs with my children at a campfire with a guitar in hand (although, it would be more romantic if my husband would do the playing....if only :) )
Along with this, I feel a light shining in on my darkened life. Maybe this is the start of something great....every time I get depressed I should pick up a new instrument. I have always wanted to learn how to play all the instruments. Music makes me happy, but only being able to play a couple of instruments limits my abilities. So....hmm...maybe this is a good thing. :)

As an update to my previous blogs...
I am feeling a LOT better. I stopped taking the antibiotic (probably a bad idea, but the side effects just aren't worth it to me) and have started to take my vitamins again. I am planning on seeing a doctor as soon as possible to talk over what's been going on. But, since I don't have time in my schedule to see the doctor on campus, it's going to be an interesting experience. Having no medical insurance doesn't help either. But, that's why I'm trying to graduate this semester. I can't wait to get a job and be able to afford health care so I don't die before I'm 40. :)

Anyways...it's late and I should be sleeping. Goodnight!

To clear up something...

In my last blog I feel that I may have made it sound like I was blaming my problems on the death of my friend. I wasn't. I was just venting.
I have been sick and I don't know what's going on. After having lost Tanner to being sick...it has kind of been freaking me out. I was around him a lot. The last thing I would want to find out is that I had the same thing. So, I guess I'm just one of those people that get a little out of control (understatement of the century)
To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if I have pneumonia. Trust me, I have enough symptoms. I'm not just making it up. But, there are other problems that have been adding to the heap '0 trouble in my world. There is a history of diabetes in my family. I fear that I am starting to show signs of blood sugar management problems. I think I'm more on the hypoglycemic side than diabetic, but even still, it's scary. I almost passed out twice in 2 days. Every day I wake up feeling fine and then start feeling shakey and want to pass out. So, anyways...back to Tanner.
I loved Tanner as a friend, as a musician and as a brother (and I'm not just making that up-I felt like he was a brother to me at times).
We have an orchestra concert this weekend. I'm not looking forward to playing a certain piece. We are playing selections from Carmen by Bizet. There is one piece where there is an AWESOME bassoon solo. I only recall hearing Tanner play it once. But, that was enough. Half of the piece is him. Then the clarinet takes the solo with a contrapuntal bassoon line. It's SWEET. But, I won't get to play it with him again (at least in this lifetime). I hope I can keep my head up for this concert. I can still hear him playing that solo. And, every time I get to play my part, I want to do my best to play it like I was playing with him.
You never know how much a person has impacted your life until you look back on what you were like when you were around that person and compare it to what you were before and where you are now. It has almost been 3 weeks since he passed away. No one seems to notice that he's gone anymore...or at least acknowledge that there's something missing. I have to keep telling myself that he's just gone for a little while. If there's a symphony in the spirit world, I can't wait to play with him in it :) I miss him so much.

Coping...or rather...not coping at all

As I shared in a blog recently, my dear friend Tanner Holst passed away...a little over 2 weeks ago. I have never really experienced death in this way. My dog and cat passed away both within the past couple of years, I've had numerous fish and rodents die. My grandpa died when I was in second grade. BUT, none of that compares to what I have gone through these past 2 weeks. I think my record for longest time without crying since his passing is a little over 24 hours.
I have taken on a LOT of stress this semester. I am registered for 18 credit hours, but could be registered for 19. I have 2 small part time jobs. And now I'm trying to handle the emotional stress of losing my friend.
Yesterday it all came to a head when I collapsed while warming up with the Choralaires. No one really knows what happened (I seem to be invisible in that choir for the most part). Thankfully I realized what was happening before anything serious happened. I was fine, singing and happy for the most part, then my head got fuzzy and my strength gave out. Thankfully there was a chair right beneath me, so I was able to catch myself. I had a fight with my body the rest of the day. I contemplated going to the emergency room...calling my mom...or just going home. But, I had a responsibility to sing, so I told myself that it was either be carted out on a stretcher or make it through the day. I barely survived. Sis. Simon came to my side and tried to help...bless her soul, but I really felt uncomfortable with the situation. How could I explain to anyone that I was just a mess? I've been sick with sinus problems and now I wonder if I don't have pnuemonia or something...(maybe I don't have anything at all)...since I've been experiencing pains in my chest and coughing up gunk (I know...you really wanted to read that). I've been super stressed out with school. I have not been keeping up with my schoolwork like normal. I'm behind in pretty much every class...and I don't really have the option of retaking any of these classes next year (I'm applying to graduate). The past 2 weeks I have been involved in the orchestra for WSU's production of Peter Pan. Ah...I'm so scatter-brained right now. First I was stressed from school and work, then I got sick, and then I lost my friend. I was already feeling depressed when school started.
What's a person supposed to do?
My dear friend Kathryn was right by my side for the rest of the day yesterday. She was my guardian angel. Then, when I got home, I got a random text from my old roommate. I knew that I needed to ask for a priesthood blessing, but I didn't know who to turn to. And suddenly, when she asked if there was anything she could do for me, I knew who to turn to. She brought her husband and friend over and they fulfilled their priesthood responsibilities. After they left, I was feeling a lot better. I was ready to go to bed and wake up ready to go to classes. But, when I woke up I felt the same weakness that I felt yesterday. So, I slept. I slept and slept and slept. At around 1:30 I finally got up. I ate and got ready for work. I started to feel shakey again, but had to go...so I went to work. As I was standing in my room, I collapsed again. Thankfully the piano bench was there. I was in the process of texting my mom to come help me out when my first student walked in. Somehow, through no less than a miracle, I was able to teach my 2 students and make it home. Right now I actually feel pretty good. But, I am definitely ready to go to sleep. I slept 12 hours!!!!! It's been a LONG time since I've done that.
I know that Tanner would want me to be back on my feet or rather...on my butt in the practice room (well..maybe my feet), but somehow, my body has not been handling this very well.
How am I supposed to get back to normal life when I can't even stand up for more than 5 minutes without falling over? Ah!!!! I guess my point of this all isn't there. I wanted to be more elequent in what I said...but when you're tired, shakey and want to sleep...I guess getting it out in any form is better than holding it all in. I just wish I could find out if I'm really sick, or if it's just the emotional stress making my body act like it's sick. AH!!! I wish I had medical insurance...or actually...this makes me wish I was a little girl when my mom would take me to the doctor and make eveyrthing all better. I hate the adult life sometimes :)