A Rondom Venting Session...

...Because I need to...

I don't know why, but I am not handling life very well right now.

I haven't taken my anti-depressant for almost a month now and I'm beginning to realize that was probably a bad idea (even though it wasn't helping THAT much...if anything, I was getting more depressed).

After my car overheated and needed to get a new radiator, I broke down as well.

Every person I'm around (well, ALMOST) drives me up the wall now. I am no longer tolerant and patient (not that I was much of that to begin with). I get anxious and irritated when I have to work with pretty much every one of my coworkers. There are some people in my class at school that I cannot stand at all anymore (one I carpool with...just the sound of her voice makes me anxious). Worst of all...I can't stand myself.

Every morning I wake up in pain. I lay in bed as long as possible because I can't bring myself to put weight on my feet. Besides my achilles tendonitis/tendonosis in my right ankle and my horribly painful sprained left ankle (thank you stolen wallet night almost 3 months ago...yes...3! months ago), I have plantar fasciitis. My knees are also painful (possibly arthritic...it runs in my family). My back is messed up as well still (yay for chronic pains!) To say the least, it hurts to walk to the bathroom. I absolutely hate getting up in the morning. Then I go to the bathroom and have to endure some issues in that area (if you must know...hemorrhoids are a itchy, painful nightmare). Then I go wash my hands and look at my face. Acne and black hairs on my chin just make me feel less happy to be me. After 'washing' my face (warm water splash and a good wipe with a towel) I stumble back to my bedroom and get dressed. I can only wear 3 or 4 bottoms because I've gained enough weight that nothing fits...and since I have to wear black for work AND school, my choices are limited anyways. Black is so depressing! Then, I stumble out the door, limping all the way to my car and drive to work.
Work involves dealing with very difficult people.
My coworkers are fun people. I like most of them. I really do. BUT, I have had enough of them for now. I REALLY need a break from them. I burn out easily.
The customers I have to deal with are absolutely ridiculous. So many people call in and complain over a STUPID sandwich. I am not very patient and tolerant (as stated before). Not anymore at least. I am so tired of making sandwiches. I am so tired of making food for other people. I am sooooo tired of everything that has to do with the food industry.
Most days I get off work at 5pm. That gives me enough time to go home, eat my dinner, shower and go over to my friend's house for our carpool to school.
After sitting in a classroom for 3.5 hours We drive back, I go home, and sit at my computer on play on my phone until I'm tired enough to fall asleep. It's already almost 1am now and I'm just barely starting to feel like heading to the bedroom. When I finally fall asleep, I usually toss and turn and wake up at least once (during the winter I was too cold, now during the summer I'm too hot, or I have to pee).
I repeat this process Monday through Thursday. Friday I work and then go home and clean and do laundry.
Saturday I wake up in time to shower, get dressed, hit McDonald's for breakfast and drive to clinic. I get there around 12:30 and start my shift by 1pm. I do 5 50 minute massages, clean up and go home so exhausted that I just sit until I fall asleep. Sunday I wake up in time to get ready for and go to church (usually late, because I just have no motivation to go now). I sit through classes and meetings, play the organ and go home and sit around alone wondering what I'm supposed to do until I go to bed. Then it starts all over again.

I'm burned out, depressed and now I've started having panic attacks. The past couple of days the noise, negativity and depression have caused literal chest pain and breathing issues.

I don't know how other people in my class are doing more. I just don't know how it's happening.

Everyone says eat better, exercise, drink more water, set enough and adequate sleep.

I don't know how to do this.

I lack all motivation.

I have no discipline.

Where do I start?

I know I need to make a lot of changes, but I just don't even know where to start.

I ache everywhere. My depression literally, physically hurts.

I want to burst into tears every day.

I want to shut out the loud world and escape.

I want someone to talk to and have physical contact with (I NEED to be touched...I hate hat HATE being so alone all the time).

I need to be alone (with a loved one) in a quiet place away from everything.

What do I do?

I get easily overwhelmed and I am so overwhelmed right now I can barely function.