My Clarinet

Tonight I had a scary thought. Tonight, I contemplated ridding myself of my clarinet. 

If I were to sell it, the money would belong to my parents, since they are the ones that took out the loan to pay for it. Still, it's not about the money. It's about the fact that I don't love that hunk of wood anymore.

I've had this clarinet since my senior year of high school. It is a beautiful, almost perfect Buffet R13 (one of the best ones my repairman has seen...and he works on Utah Symphony players' clarinets I believe). R13's are top of the line and used by many professionals. It's a good clarinet. It has some issues (it likes to dry out like Death Valley in the summer). But, still, why do I have such angst towards something that has, up until now, brought so much happiness into my life?

It provided me with a means to pay for most of my schooling (thank you Dr. Root for being crazy enough to offer me a scholarship). It gave me the opportunity to play in many AMAZING concert halls (Disney Concert Hall in LA, The Kennedy Center for the Arts in DC, a stage somewhere in Xi'an, China, Orchestra Hall in Chicago and last but definitely not least Carnegie Hall in NY...I even got to play a solo on that stage). It provided a means to make friends, learn new things and will soon be the reason I will have a diploma on my wall (just as soon as I can pay off my tuition I failed to pay previously due to stupid circumstances). 

Why then, do I still feel so alienated from it? 

I have quit all but one of the performing groups I was involved with. The Chamber Orchestra Ogden was started last year, and while I was excited about it at the time, I feel so empty about it now. But, it is something I won't allow myself to quit until I have a legit reason (ie-moving, finding a job that won't allow me to continue, etc). The conductor, Dr. Palumbo, is someone I hold in high regards and have immense respect for. Through the years of playing in his orchestra at Weber State I became the musician I am now. I never learned much in my private lessons (except when they were taught by teachers from other schools). I enjoyed playing in the Wind Ensemble, but I was pushed the most in the orchestra. Because of my great memories of playing in that orchestra, I will remain loyal to this other orchestra. 

I am a fan of the show Grey's Anatomy. In the past season the character, Christina Yang, experiences a huge psychological trauma when a gun is pointed at her while she is performing heart surgery. Her character was meant to be a cardio god as she would call it. After this trauma, she is no longer able to enter an OR without panicking or fighting like hell to tolerate being in there.

I know this is fictional and not a real story, but for some reason I understand her panic better than I ever thought possible. 

I wasn't threatened with my life just to play my clarinet (unless you count my less than rational fear of flying), but for some reason, something happened on that trip to Chicago that traumatized me psychologically enough to never want to play again. 

Tonight I got my clarinet out to clean it up and figure out if I need to order new reeds for the upcoming concert in November with the COO. Habit took over and I cleaned it without hesitation. But, even now, as it sits on the desk next to me, I want to throw it away. I want it out of my sight.

I was blessed with an amazing ability to be a musician. I'm not the best the world has seen, but I still know I was given a special talent and I feel like I'm throwing it all away when I don't hesitate to hide away my case and music. 

This is all VERY depressing, I know. But, I have to write about it. Something is VERY wrong here.