And one thing led to another...

After having written my last blog, I want to make it known that even if the person I am talking about reads this, he already knows the situation and I am mostly just trying to vent.
I had an insanely emotional day yesterday and had no one to talk to about it. I wanted to collapse, but had to keep going since I was at a party and had to keep my cool. At one point I led on to having a bit of a problem, but as soon as one person caught hold of 'boy trouble' a few other people turned around and I had to change the subject. I really don't know how much I want the public eye to see this, but I have to get it out before it consumes me.

In previous blogs I have mentioned a certain friend that I have had many troubles with in terms of the definition of our friendship. A few weeks ago we were chatting online. He has previously said these words, but this time it hit me like a ton a bricks. He wrote the words "I love you." I don't know what it was about it this time that just made me wake up or what, but it struck me as being different this time. Ever since then, whenever I sit at my appartment and want to talk to someone, somehow he is the one I have wanted to talk to. None of this really makes sense, since I really seriously have no desire to be more than friends with him. But, all of a sudden, as I was sleeping in late yesterday morning, I had a very vivid dream that involved this person. It was a very abstract dream. The main gist of the dream was that he was following me around. I was doing everything I could to avoid him because I just didn't want to deal with everything. (like I said, I don't want things to go to the next level) Finally he caught me. I was in a state of uneasiness and discomfort. Then he took my hand and kissed it. Later on in the dream (I don't remember it all) he gave me flowers. All the while, I realized that I didn't mind him so much. In fact, I held onto those flowers after he left and wanted to hold them as much as possible.
When I woke up from this dream, I felt such an overwhelming sense of...I don't know how to describe it. All I could do was think, I need to talk to him now. At times when we have talked I have begun to feel something for him, but I try to pass it off and let it go because I just don't want to go there with him. But, I couldn't stop thinking about him. So, I got online, hoping and praying (yes, praying) that he would get online. Within a few minutes he was online. I have never talked to someone like this before in my life. We talked for at least 3 hours. Yeah, it was one of those kinds of discussions. Nothing was really accomplished other than me telling him that even though I've tried to hide it, I really do feel something for him. It's not a good situation. He lives in Idaho, I live in Ogden. So, things are at a stand-still. I don't know what to do. I still have no desire to go forward in my relationship with him, but yet, I wonder what would happen. What am I to do? Do I drive up to Idaho and figure things out once and for all (if I had enough gas and time, I just might)? Or do I try to to keep my head on my shoulders here in Ogden and just deal with it? I guess this is where I need to pray and put it all in the Lord's hands. I haven't quite figured out how to do that very well, but I think that is my only option. I want so much to have a boyfriend, but I don't know about this situation. I want to cry, but it's so deep inside I fear it will never come out. Anyways, I need to go get ready for church.