Used

Today I had an experience that has opened my eyes to a world of less than ideal friends. Since this past summer there has been an acquaintance of mine that has been purchasing pizza from the company I work for. After it was discovered that I worked there he began requesting me when he made orders. At first I was flattered and thought that maybe he might actually like me. After a few weeks of this I found an opportunity to give him my
phone number. I thought it was a great idea. I think it was obvious enough that I was interested in him. I even tried to start conversations with him on Facebook. Things kind of died down, especially when I went to Missouri for a couple of weeks.
Up until today very little more had happened. I figured I had scared him off as I seem to have the amazing ability to do so more often than not. Then today at work, while I was in the bathroom trying to clean up after scrubbing the floors all afternoon, he called. My coworker, Nate, told him I wasn't able to come to the phone right then and tried to put him on hold. Our phones suck and he got hung up on. Apparently he called again and Nate had the guts to tell this guy I was in the bathroom. Seriously?! Anyways. When I finished cleaning up, I was told to call this guy back.
It was made known to me last night that he is having a party tomorrow night for the new year. I have friends that have been invited. I have not received any kind of invitation. When I finally got ahold of this guy I was very curious as to why he wanted to talk to me. He answered his phone and proceeded to tell me he had a question to ask me.
Put yourself in my shoes at this point. You've been told multiple times that he's asked for you while you're at work. He's been nothing but friendly and possibly even flirted at some times. So, you get to this point and he tells you he has a question for you. What would you think? What do you think a hopeless, lonely girl like me thought or expected?
I can tell you right now, what he asked me isn't so fairy tale worthy.
He wanted to know what kind of deal I could get him for an order tomorrow. So, now that my hopes have literally been wiped all over the floor, I now have to wonder about all of those past calls. Was he requesting me all these times with the hopes that I would get him a better deal? Has he been playing me and leading me on all this time just to use me?
I. Am. Sick. Of. This.
I have a new year's resolution now because of this experience. I resolve to not let people walk all over me. I resolve to stand up for myself and demand more respect from those I know. I resolve to be a person worthy of feeling better about myself.
I plan to start by talking to this guy and letting him know how I feel and that I'm not a friend of convenience. Now I just have to muster up enough courage. Ha.... Ha..... :-/

Difficult Times

Once again this is just a venting about how stressed out I am right now.
This has nothing to do with my emotional and physical problems. After reading this, you will know my finances...just warning...you may not really need to read this.

I work an average of 30 hours a week for a measly $7.50/hr. (this adds up to about $450-500 gross income per pay period) I do get paid tips once and awhile and receive a gas reimbursement of $1.75 for every delivery I make. Up until now I've been able to get by without much trouble. I've even almost paid off my outstanding tuition debt (about $400 left...give or take some interest and so on) (SO CLOSE TO GETTING MY DIPLOMA!!!!).
Here's where the trouble is...
I stupidly signed up for a gym membership at Gold's Gym, and a membership at Massage Envy. The Massage Envy membership was a horrible mistake (but it forces me to take some time out for myself, and it has been helpful with my many aches and pains I've had this past year). The Gold's Gym membership was a good idea, although it is horribly over-priced. So, some of my financial stresses are my fault...well, ok, ALL of them are my fault...but these weren't as necessary.
Here's the low-down. (remember these are averages and rounded up to keep it simple...and my hours change every week, so it's just an estimation)
My average direct deposit is about $400 twice a month. That's about $800 a month. My rent is $250. That leaves me with $550 for bills and whatnot. Take out my $100/mo tuition repayment, that's $450. Then there's the credit card repayment of $75/mo. $375...ok. Then take the memberships I am obligated to pay...which almost equal $90. This leaves me with about $285. This doesn't seem too bad I suppose...but then there's power and internet to take into consideration. I'll round that up to about $20/mo. So, $265 is where I'm at now. And, of course there's the religious contributions I make every week (tithing). It probably averages out to $60 per paycheck, so $120/mo. That leaves me with 145/mo. Split that in half, since this total has been for the month average so far...We'll just make it an even $75 per paycheck left for food and gas. Ha...gas. I put in at least $20/week (the joys of driving for a job). So, about 40 for gas leaves me with...35 for food. This is survivable, right?!
Here's my major dilemma. My paychecks haven't been that big lately (haven't been getting more than 30 hours a week lately) and this thing called a car has practically stripped me bare. All within one day I realized I was in trouble. Tuesday it snowed. I knew my front tires were not good, but was hoping that they would survive just a little longer. I had driven to Salt Lake for a job interview (which I did not get). It was precipitating a little bit and I discovered that my windshield wiper on the driver side was in a bad way. So, after my interview I had to purchase a new wiper (no big deal...it was only $5). Then, as I got closer to home, the snow got worse. Not realizing how unsafe my tires were I kept driving as normal. I finally got to a stoplight...only I didn't really stop...not until I was halfway through the intersection. Thankfully no one was in front of me and no one had started driving from the other sides. Then, as I slowed to turn into my apartment complex I slid, far, again. I knew it was time to get new tires...but I had to work that night. So, I actually attempted to have someone cover my shift since I was literally scared out of my mind to drive again. After convincing myself I would need the money, I eventually went into work. As I turned on my headlights I noticed something else wasn't right. After stepping out of my car I saw that one of my headlights was out. Great! :( So, I drove to work praying constantly that first, the roads wouldn't be slick and second, that I wouldn't get pulled over. I had to pass on making any deliveries that night which would've really helped my financial situation. It was a pain, but everything worked out ok.
Fast forward to today. I had time to take my car in to get the tires looked at. I was hoping that if I just asked them to rotate the tires (a free service) they would do it and it would be enough to last me until my parents could help me buy new tires. My hopes were in vain. Thankfully they had some used tires...but that was $90. I still had to get a new headlight...which came to $17 (but was later dropped to $10 by the person who cashed out my transaction...he has a special place in my heart right now...he saved me $7...which doesn't seem like much, but right now it's everything). Anyways. There's still a charge of $85 for a past medical bill looming over me that was supposed to come out of my account a few days ago.
I'm grateful that I'm not homeless and that I do in fact have a job. It's better to be where I'm at than where it's possible. But, holy crap...this is so difficult!!! I'm not asking for any money. I can't do that. I'm just wondering if this will ever get better.
I'm not a huge fan of most jobs available out there. I realize there are mindless jobs out there that pay well and would put me in a better situation. But, I don't want a mindless job. I need to feel like I'm worth something in my work. I don't have many amazing skills when it comes to computers or sales, etc so my job opportunities are already limited. I keep applying to jobs that I might be good at and that might fill that need to be a source of good for someone else out there, but have not had much luck. I've been applying for jobs off and on for 2 years and had my first interview this past week. It's so discouraging. I know I can't have everything, but I'm already struggling with being depressed...I need something to feel good about right now. I feel like I'm stuck in this horrible rut right now. I want to move out of Ogden. I want a better job. I need a better life. Yet, I see no hope or sign of change.
I want to go back to school so badly...but how the heck am I going to afford it?!

Perfect!

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

"Don't Quit,"  Author Unknown

Peace

If you've read any of my posts from the past year, (especially my last post) you'll probably agree and not find it any bit shocking when I've had a rough time. I experienced the passing of my Grandmother and a former Bishop (someone whom I learned a LOT from and looked up to in many ways). I also experienced the shock that comes from a friend that has committed suicide. Alongside these personal losses, I also lost my faith and my passion. I lost everything that made me, me.

The past few weeks have been so ridiculously difficult for me in a way I couldn't've imagined a year ago. I recently had a talk with my bishop on a completely unrelated topic and came out crying because I realized that I think so little of myself that..ahh...I can't even explain it. That talk with him was the first time I felt I had been treated well in a long time. It felt so good to feel respected and loved.

I know there are people out there that love me (or at least say they do). There's just one problem...

I've somehow learned, unfortunately, to turn my back on that love. I have convinced myself that I don't deserve to be loved and and that anyone that says anything to me that resembles love, I feel is a lie. How I got to this point, I don't know.

I learned to hate myself, inside and out. I didn't even realize it until this talk with my bishop. My previous blog...I'm not sure if I want to apologize for it or not. It's not a typical post, and it's really not how I want people to see me (not that many people see this anyways). But, I felt it needed to be said. I doubt many if any will see it anyways.

My soul is sick right now. The hell that I've gone through this past year has left me all but dead.

With this, I have 2 things that I have learned about myself and life in general.

First --

There really is always someone out there that has it worse than you. Unfortunately, I'm finding that pretty much everyone around me has it worse. So, I feel horrible when I complain about my little, insignificant problems. But, everyone must go through a hard time once and awhile. I don't know that anyone else would go through what I've gone through and see things the way I do now (if that makes ANY sense). I realize that I have a bad attitude about things. I let my emotions take control. People that have struggled with much worse than me have fought the battle with better spirits than I have. To those people, I admire you whole-heartedly. I hope that someday I will be able to weather the storm a little better.

Second--

To know the bad is to know the good. It really is! I don't think I have ever truly understood, nor appreciated the peaceful moments as I should've. With the heartache, disgust, disbelief, and utter hatred I've felt, I now understand peace. Those few moments that I've had mean everything to me. Those moments are what keep me going. My life may be a total nightmare right now, and everything inside is just rubble and darkness, but those few peaceful moments shine brighter than any other.
That peace is more precious to me than anything I can think of right now. In those short, quiet moments, I don't feel unloved or hated. I don't feel the self-loathing that has plagued my mind as of late. My soul becomes still. There is hope. 

1 John 4:15 says, "Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God."

I then looked up the word confess. To confess is to 'admit, acknowledge and to declare.' It's a big step for me to say anything like this right now, and I'm not sure what will happen once I say it, because it is still a HUGE leap of faith for me. This is a very large step into the unlit path.

With this, I make my confession.

That love and peace I feel come from God. I don't know any other explanation for it.

Raw

There really is nothing worse than looking in the mirror (or at a picture of yourself) and hating EVERYTHING that you see. I hate the horrible complexion, the overweight face and the thin and messy pile of hair on my head. But, the thing I hate the most isn't what you see on the outside.

The doppelganger

Why I'm writing this-
I've been thinking about getting a haircut lately, since it's been a good 6 months since my last one. I've been searching online to find out good styles for my face shape and body size. Awhile back the doppelganger thing was popular on facebook. I found out that my doppelganger was Jennifer Love-Hewitt. With the picture I used, it's not hard to see why. We had very similar face shapes and even hair color at that time. I just took a picture of myself to see if I might still have that same shape, just in case it might help me in my search for a new do.
Alas...I have gained too much weight. My shape is nowhere to be found under the layers of fatty, acne-covered skin that plague my face right now.
Oh, and I forgot to mention the nasty gap-filled smile as well.
I truly hate the way I look. But, the worst part is, when I look at the picture I took, the acne, the fat, the hair and even my mouth aren't as pathetic as my eyes.
Do I look even remotely happy?
They say the eyes are the window to the soul. If that is the case, I don't know what else to say. I pretty much hate myself right now.

Yummmm!

A friend of mine just posted this on facebook and I HAD to post it here. I wish I wasn't so poor...I want to go get stuff to make these RIGHT NOW!!! Anyways...enjoy :)

Candy Cane Kiss Cookies
Recipe by Our Best Bites
1/2 c. butter-flavored shortening
1/2 c. real butter
1 c. brown sugar
1 c. white sugar
2 eggs
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla
optional: 1 tsp peppermint extract
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
2 1/2 c. flour, lightly spooned into measuring cups and leveled with a knife
1/4 c. + 2 Tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder
1 12 ounce bag dark chocolate chips
48 Hershey’s Candy Cane Kisses, unwrapped (one 10 ounce bag)
Preheat oven to 350.
Cream together softened butter, shortening, brown sugar, and white sugar for 1-2 minutes on medium-high speed or until light and fluffy. Add the eggs and vanilla. Meanwhile, combine the baking powder, baking soda, salt, flour, and cocoa powder. Add to the butter/sugar mixture and mix until combined. Mix in the chocolate chips.
To prevent cookies from flattening out, refrigerate dough for 30-60 minutes.  Drop the dough by the tablespoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet. Bake until just set, but centers are still soft, about 8 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool for 1-2 minutes. Use a metal spatula to transfer cookies to cooling rack.  Top each cookie with an unwrapped Candy Cane Kiss.  Allow to cool completely, long enough for the Kiss to harden. If necessary, after the cookies have cooled, they can be placed in the refrigerator or freezer to re-solidify the Kiss.
Yield: 4 dozen cookies

Recipes

Last year I followed The Biggest Loser. I watched every episode...minus the finale. Not sure why that happened. Anyways. There was one particular episode that reminded me of a Food Network-style show. The contestants were paired up and had to make up their own recipes. I've wanted to save these recipes many times, but I don't trust remembering putting them anywhere else but here. So. All credit goes to the contestants. I didn't have anything to do with them. I just copied them :)

Chocolate Shake

Courtney and Austin

Ingredients (makes two servings)
1 six-ounce container of Greek yogurt
1 cup chocolate almond milk (unsweetened)
4 teaspoons natural cocoa powder (unsweetened)
4 stevia packets
1/2 capful of orange extract
Instructions
Combine yogurt, almond milk, cocoa, stevia and orange extract in a blender. Blend until smooth.
Nutritional information (per serving):
Calories 80
Fat calories 20
Total fat 2 grams
Saturated fat 0 grams
Cholesterol 0 milligrams
Sodium 120 milligrams
Total carbohydrates 7 grams
Fiber 1 gram
Sugars 3 grams
Protein 9 grams

Blue Team's No Mess Tex Mex Chicken "Fajitas"

(serves one)

Ingredients
3 ounces grilled boneless skinless chicken breast
1/4 teaspoon each: Southwest Chipotle Mrs. Dash seasoning, oregano and ground cayenne

Salad
1/4 green, yellow and orange bell peppers, cored, seeded and thinly sliced
1/4 red or yellow onion, finely chopped
1/4 jalapeno pepper, seeded and thinly sliced (optional)

Dressing
1 tablespoon nonfat plain Greek style yogurt
1 tablespoon pico de gallo
1 teaspoon chopped cilantro
1 teaspoon fresh lime juice
3 cabbage leaves

Garnish 1/10 tortilla strip (from one corn tortilla, cut in strips and lightly toasted)
1/4 wedge avocado

Instructions In a medium mixing bowl, combine the bell pepper, onion and jalapeno (if using). In a small mixing bowl, combine dressing ingredients; set aside.

Place the cabbage leaves on a serving plate. Fill cabbage cups with salad mixture. Cut the chicken in thin strips and sprinkle with seasonings. Place chicken on top of salad mixture. Drizzle dressing on top of chicken. Garnish "fajitas" with tortilla strips and avocado. Serve immediately.

Nutritional information (per serving)
Calories: 300
Fat calories: 100
Total fat: 11 grams
Saturated fat: 1.5 grams
Sodium: 75 milligrams
Total carbohydrates: 24 grams
Fiber: 7 grams
Sugars: 12 grams
Protein: 33 grams
Vitamin A IUs: 60%
Vitamin C: 240%
Calcium: 10%
Iron: 10%

Hannah's Turkey Stuffed Peppers

Ingredients
Olive oil spray
1/2 cup minced onion
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1.25 pounds of extra-lean ground turkey
Salt to taste
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 cup low-sodium tomato sauce
1 cup fat-free low-sodium chicken broth, divided
1 tablespoon chopped fresh cilantro or parsley
3 large sweet red bell peppers, washed
1/4 cup reduced-fat shredded cheddar cheese

Instructions
Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees. Lightly coat a large nonstick skillet with olive oil cooking spray; heat over medium heat. Add onion and garlic to the pan. Sauté about 2 minutes, or until softened. Add extra-lean ground turkey to the pan. Season to taste with salt, then add garlic powder and ground cumin. Break meat apart and cook over medium heat for 14-16 minutes, until well done, 165°F as measured by a meat thermometer. Add 1/4 cup of tomato sauce and 1/2 cup chicken broth to the pan. Reduce heat and simmer over low heat for about 5 minutes. Add chopped fresh cilantro or parsley to the turkey mixture. There will be about 2 cups of turkey mixture.

Cut bell peppers in half lengthwise and remove seeds and stem. Put in baking dish and spoon about 1/3 cup of the turkey mixture into each pepper half. Place all stuffed peppers on a baking dish and pour the rest of the chicken broth in the bottom of the pan. Cover with foil and bake for 35 minutes. When done, sprinkle with cheese before serving.

Nutritional information (per serving)
Calories 140
Fat calories 20
Total fat 2.5 grams
Saturated fat .5 grams
Cholesterol 35 milligrams
Sodium 150 milligrams
Total carbohydrates 10 grams
Fiber 2 grams
Sugars 5 grams

Irene's The I-Burger

Ingredients 1 1.25-pound package extra lean ground turkey
2-3 cloves garlic, minced
5 slices light Muenster cheese
5 slices turkey bacon
1/4 cup + 1 Tablespoon light mayonnaise
1/2 cup + 2 Tablespoons ketchup
5 small whole wheat buns

Instructions
Add garlic to meat and form into patties. Cook turkey burgers until done and no longer pink in the center (approximately 8 to 10 minutes). Check internal temperature of burger with a meat thermometer. Meat is done when temperature reaches 165 degrees. Melt cheese on top of each patty. Mix mayonnaise and ketchup together. Cook turkey bacon as package directs. Spread mayo mixture on buns. Add burgers and top with turkey bacon. Makes 5 burgers.

Chocolate Peppermint Shake

Hannah and Ken

Ingredients (makes two servings)
1 six-ounce container 0% fat free plain Greek yogurt
1 cup chocolate almond milk (unsweetened)
1-2 teaspoons of peppermint extract (to taste)
4 stevia packets

Instructions
Mix together in blender.

Nutritional information (per serving):
Calories 75
Fat calories 15
Total fat 1.5 grams
Saturated fat 0 grams
Cholesterol 0 milligrams
Sodium 120 milligrams
Total carbohydrates 5 grams
Fiber 0 grams
Sugars 3 grams
Protein 8 grams

Turkey Taco Tostadas with Chipotle Yogurt Sauce

Jenn and Kaylee

Ingredients
3-1/2 ounces extra lean ground turkey
1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil
1 small blue corn tortilla
1/2 cup yellow onion, diced
1/2 fresh jalapeno pepper, seeded and diced
2 scallions, green and white parts, sliced
1/4 medium avocado, sliced in four thin slices
2 Tablespoons 0% fat free plain Greek yogurt
Chipotle hot sauce
1 medium tomato, diced
2 tablespoons lime juice
Cilantro, 1 tablespoon chopped, 2 sprigs for garnish

Instructions
Turkey Mixture:
Put 1 teaspoon olive oil in a non stick saute pan over medium high heat. Saute 1/4 cup of the diced onions. Add turkey and brown. Add half the amount of chopped jalapeno to skillet. Add 1/2 juiced lime. Drain and cover keep warm.
Tortilla:
Add tortilla to a dry skillet and toast on both sides until somewhat crunchy. Cut into triangles before it cools completely.
Pico de Gallo:
In a bowl add diced tomato, 3/4 of the sliced scallions, remainder of onion, jalapeno, lime juice and chopped cilantro. Mix well. Chill for 5 minutes.

Yogurt Sauce:
Place yogurt in a small bowl and add chipotle hot sauce to taste. Place the turkey mixture in center of plate. Top with Pico de gallo, 1/2 the yogurt sauce, scallions and sprigs of cilantro. Surround mixture with 4 thin avocado slices. Place the 4 blue corn triangles around the turkey. Top triangles with remainder of yogurt sauce.

Nutritional information (per serving):
Calories 350
Fat calories 120
Total fat 13 grams
Saturated fat 1.5 grams
Cholesterol 40 milligrams
Sodium 70 milligrams
Total carbohydrates 34 grams
Fiber 6 grams
Sugars 9 grams
Protein 30 grams

Moses and Olivia

Ingredients
4 ounces fresh cod filet
1/2 bunch fresh asparagus (8 ounces)
1 bunch scallions (green onions), cleaned and trimmed
Parmesan cheese (grated)
1 lemon
Pepper
Garlic powder
Dill (preferably fresh)
Cooking oil spray
Instructions
Preheat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Lightly spray baking dish with cooking oil spray. Place scallions on bottom of baking dish (making a bed for the cod). Season cod with 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder, 1/4 lemon juiced, 1/8 teaspoon coarse black pepper, and a sprig of dill. Tent cod baking dish with a piece of foil. Set aside while preparing asparagus.
Place asparagus in another baking dish or baking pan and spray lightly with cooking oil spray. Season with 1/4 teaspoon of garlic powder, 1 teaspoon parmesan, 1/4 lemon juiced, and 1/8 teaspoon coarse black pepper. Place both dishes in preheated oven and bake for 7 minutes.
In the meantime, slice the other half of the lemon and caramelize the slices in a pan.
Remove asparagus from oven; keep warm. Remove tent from cod. Bake cod for another 3 minutes. Place cod on a dinner plate. Top with a fresh dill sprig and a caramelized lemon wheel. Place asparagus next to cod on plate. Sprinkle with remainder of parmesan.
Nutritional information (per serving):
Calories 170
Fat calories 20
Total fat 2 grams
Saturated fat 0.5 grams
Cholesterol 60 milligrams
Sodium 110 milligrams
Total carbohydrates 13 grams
Fiber 6 grams
Sugars 6 grams
Protein 26 grams

3 Mini Blogs in One

It's been awhile since I've written anything and a lot has happened. I don't want to make a bunch of blogs because I could be up all night doing that. So, instead, I will write a short summary of each of the things that are on my mind right now.

1: I'd like to take a moment and reflect on the past year. Today marks the 1 year anniversary of the death of my sweet grandmother. It's hard to believe that it's been a year already. I know my life was impacted greatly by her death. I don't want to nor do I actually blame her for my troubles, but some of my first sincere doubts that I've been struggling with started the day of her funeral. Anyways. I don't want to focus on that right now. I miss her dearly and hope that someday I will get to hug her and hear her voice again.

2: My entire life I've had music in my life. I remember listening to music many times on the radio and on my walkman. I never thought about it much until now, but I know I loved to imagine in my mind dances that I would choreograph to the music I was listening to. When I was still in high school I had the opportunity to do a small dance class. This was miniscule and pathetic (looking back on it). Some girl (about my current age) was transferred to Dugway and thought she would share her talent of dance with the youth on base. We learned a hip-hop style routine that didn't even last an entire song. I enjoyed it, but now looking back, I'm glad it never went any further...it's not the kind of dancing I would've wanted to be a part of. Later in life I was offered the opportunity to accompany a children's creative dance class. After doing this a year I couldn't hold it in anymore. Those children inspired me (still do)...I signed up for a modern dance class at Weber State. It was hard, but I came out of class feeling so amazing every time. I even lost about 30 pounds from it. I signed up for it again the following semester, but dropped shortly after my friend Tanner passed away. Then, when I was able to I took it again my last semester of college. I was hooked. But, a little too late almost. I had no clue where I could go for an adult modern dance class that would take in someone as inexperienced as me (and as big as me). Then, while working at the Bountiful studio, I discovered that there was an adult class held in Salt Lake at the creative dance studio I worked for. This fall I started going. This past weekend was my first ever REAL dance performance with this class. There is a video of it (I wish I could post it on here). I was definitely clumsy (as normal), but I danced. I think I found my new love. Playing clarinet still has no pleasure for me (and I doubt that it ever will be the same for me again). So, my realization is that I've been dancing my entire life, but it took over 20 years for me to discover it. I hope I never stop.

3: This is kind of a 2 in 1 mini-blog. I have contemplated (for over a year, if not 2) going back to school to get a degree in a field I can support myself with. The timing seemed right, so I went to the OWATC and talked to a counselor about the medical assisting program. I did the accuplacer exam (scored very nicely, too) and the physical exam they had there. Then I had to go get signed off by a doctor. I still have to get some immunizations and read a handbook thing, then I will be ready to apply to the program. If I don't get in, it will be for a very good reason. I don't know when I'll be able to afford the immunizations though. It'll probably be January before I can start classes. In the process of seeing a doctor, I discovered that I had gained more weight than I thought. I was at the heaviest I've ever been in my life. From that 30 pounds I lost from that dance class, I had gained over 40. I lift bags of flour at work that weigh 50 pounds. That is a LOT of extra weight to be carrying around. (No wonder I've felt like crap lately) So, I decided to take control and start making some changes. It's been 2 weeks now and I'm still doing a heck of a lot better than I was doing before, but I'm finding I'm slipping back into old habits. But, I did lose at least 5 pounds that first week. I started taking a weight-training class and relearned my love of working out. Hopefully this week I can get back on the path I was on (although my finances right now are non-existent so it'll be interesting).

I know I had more to talk about, but I forgot (typical). All in all, I have enjoyed these changes going on lately. I do love life. It's hard sometimes most definitely. I could really handle not being alone anymore, or at least moving to a better place and finding a better job, but I'm learning to control the parts that I can actually control.

Oh the craziness of ME!!!

Where to start?!

Normally I despise the hot, long days of summer and long for the shorter, cooler days of fall (and the beauty of winter). Normally my summers turn out to be wonderful and my winters become stressful and depressing.

Well, I think I'm literally living my year in reverse now. 

I LOVED the heat of the summer (I even seriously enjoyed the humidity in Missouri) and was NOT looking forward to the cold. Ha ha...

It all started with my second trip to Missouri this year. I came back with no back pain (something I'm still trying to figure out...miracles happen!) I was then informed by my boss that people were requesting me at work (something that REALLY makes me giddy happy...if you have to know why, you'll have to ask in person). So, why am I just so dang excited!?

When I got back school started up again and my work schedule went to a slightly more predictable schedule. I started taking a dance class. A little background on that-I am an accompanist for Virginia Tanner Creative Dance here in Ogden. I found out that they offer an adult class Wednesday evenings  which I get to take without charge and made the decision to go. Because of the work I've been doing in that class I can guarantee that I feel soooo much better about myself. I haven't seen a scale, but I am pretty sure I've lost some weight. I feel like I'm almost back to my normal...which still isn't great, but it's SO much better than what I was at when I got back from my trip to Missouri. My clothes fit better :) I also feel stronger. I love dancing. It's such an amazing way to express myself. 

Now to the crazy stuff. 

For some time now I have been contemplating going back to school. It has been a long road trying to figure out what I want to do and what I can actually do. But, I have decided that I want to become a medical assistant. I finally made an appointment to talk to a counselor at the OWATC 2 weeks ago. Later that week I also signed up to be a Mary Kay consultant (something I'll discuss later, but I had to plug that in for matters of staying slightly chronologically organized). Then, today I took the accuplacer exam. Since my ACT scores are no longer worth anything I was required to prove I'm still intelligent. I was actually quite frightened about this exam since I received a study guide and was beginning to doubt my abilities to do anything anymore that I used to be really good at. Well, the study guide was helpful, but not really a good indication of what was on the actual exam. I got in to take my test this morning. I started the reading portion and just before I finished (I hit enter on the second-to-last question) the computer froze up. My luck...even the computers there have it in for me. (computers hate me, trust me on this)

So, after things got fixed, I did the math portion. I know I didn't do everything the way it was supposed to be done, but I did what I could. I submitted my final answer and saw my scores. Yeah, there was some serious celebrating going on in my mind.

My reading score was in the 99th percentile (I scored better than 99% of those that have taken this exam)

My arithmetic score was in the 92nd percentile...

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I NEVER scored THAT high in high school. I was usually closer to the 80th percentiles if I was lucky. I can't express how happy this makes me!!! 

Anyways, I still have some final things to do on my actual application to the MA program, so I'm not sure when I'll actually begin the process, but I was told I can go ahead and start one of the classes. I'M SO EXCITED!!! (did I say that already? :)) 

Another crazy thing going on in my life is the choice that I mentioned briefly above. I signed up to be a Mary Kay consultant. I'm still wondering what possessed me to do that. I prefer to wear jeans, hoodies and wear as little makeup as possible. I'm still not sure if I'm going to do much with it. I can't really so much right now since I'm so busy with work and trying to go back to school. 

And one more thing to add to the ever-increasing changes. I got talked into going back to institute choir. I thought I was done. I really wanted to be. But, they are singing for a multi-stake  conference at the end of the month and I'm finally at a point in my life where I want to sing again.  I can only go on Tuesdays for the most part, and once I start classes at the ATC I won't be able to go at all, but this might be a good last hurrah. They are singing an arrangement of I Need Thee Every Hour that has a good connection for me. In 2005 the institute choirs got invited to sing for a session of General Conference. That arrangement is what I auditioned on to get into the conference choir, which got me sucked into doing my first show with the choirs. My life has been influenced in so many ways and so many times because of my involvement in those choirs. So, I feel like it is VERY appropriate for this to be my last time signing with the choirs. I get to sing the exact song/arrangement of the song I started out with. 

Anyways. There is so much more craziness going on right now, but I'm needing to get ready to head to the dance studio to go play for my 'other job.'

Knowing how dark my life was just even a month ago makes this lighter side so much the better. It's so nice to feel happy again and to be getting involved with the things that make me even happier. :)

Seizing the Single

As I lay on my floor this evening, trying to rest my spastic back, I came to an epiphany of sorts. 

Yes, I am single and yes, I am poor. But, it's really me that's holding me back. I am single and not really dating right now. I have many things I'd like to do in my life. I always thought I'd be married by now to someone with enough money and whatever you want to call it...desire?... to help me chase my dreams. Well, I am realizing that this time that I have to myself hopefully won't last forever. Once(if) I get married, I will want to start a family fairly quickly. So, I am taking this moment to change my view. 

MY SINGLE LIFE IS A GIFT!

I am going to make a list of things I want to do in my life. Regardless if these things are ideas I've wanted to do with a beloved someone or not, I am going to do them. I can't sit around waiting for my life to happen. I have to make it happen, now. Or never. So, it is quite possible I may even start a new blog with this idea in mind...kind of a goal/experience blog of my single life.

But, until then, this will do. My initial/tentative list is this:

 I think I shall call this my single life bucket list. :)

*Figure out where to go watch the airplanes take off and land at SLC (and maybe other airports in the world...just a thought...there's an airport somewhere in the tropics that the planes almost fly within touching distance over a beach, cool, no?) and have a picnic.

*Learn to rock climb

*Backpack in Southern Utah (sleep under The Arch and see the stars like I've never seen them before)

*Join an astronomy/star gazing group

*Go chase tornadoes until I get a good picture (get a good camera)

*Take ballroom dance classes

*Volunteer for a disaster relief agency

*Volunteer at an animal shelter or zoo or...something along those lines

*Go on a cruise. Possible locations: Caribbean, Norway, Mediterranean

*Go to Greece and eat real Greek food and swim in the ocean

*Go to Iceland and see a volcano errupt

*Go back to China and walk the Great Wall 

*Go to Egypt and see the Great Pyramids

*Go to Italy and tour as much as possible

*Go to France and see the Louvre, go up in the Eiffel Tower (kiss a French man??)  

*Go to London...possibly for a week or 2, or maybe a few months (I've had a new, crazy idea that I want to move there, if I can ever get over my anxiety with my clarinet, there's a VERY good music school there...it trains with members of the London Symphony Orchestra...yeah...seriously!)

Ok. So, I know some of these are pretty extreme and will take years to accomplish. But, the point is, I am dreaming. I am trying to embrace the gift I have been given at this time. Yes, I'd rather do some, most or all of these things with someone that means something to me, but I have wonderful friends that are more than willing to fill that void in many of these scenarios I'm sure. If not, I know how to be alone and I'll deal with it. 

Ok.

Where to start? :)

My Clarinet

Tonight I had a scary thought. Tonight, I contemplated ridding myself of my clarinet. 

If I were to sell it, the money would belong to my parents, since they are the ones that took out the loan to pay for it. Still, it's not about the money. It's about the fact that I don't love that hunk of wood anymore.

I've had this clarinet since my senior year of high school. It is a beautiful, almost perfect Buffet R13 (one of the best ones my repairman has seen...and he works on Utah Symphony players' clarinets I believe). R13's are top of the line and used by many professionals. It's a good clarinet. It has some issues (it likes to dry out like Death Valley in the summer). But, still, why do I have such angst towards something that has, up until now, brought so much happiness into my life?

It provided me with a means to pay for most of my schooling (thank you Dr. Root for being crazy enough to offer me a scholarship). It gave me the opportunity to play in many AMAZING concert halls (Disney Concert Hall in LA, The Kennedy Center for the Arts in DC, a stage somewhere in Xi'an, China, Orchestra Hall in Chicago and last but definitely not least Carnegie Hall in NY...I even got to play a solo on that stage). It provided a means to make friends, learn new things and will soon be the reason I will have a diploma on my wall (just as soon as I can pay off my tuition I failed to pay previously due to stupid circumstances). 

Why then, do I still feel so alienated from it? 

I have quit all but one of the performing groups I was involved with. The Chamber Orchestra Ogden was started last year, and while I was excited about it at the time, I feel so empty about it now. But, it is something I won't allow myself to quit until I have a legit reason (ie-moving, finding a job that won't allow me to continue, etc). The conductor, Dr. Palumbo, is someone I hold in high regards and have immense respect for. Through the years of playing in his orchestra at Weber State I became the musician I am now. I never learned much in my private lessons (except when they were taught by teachers from other schools). I enjoyed playing in the Wind Ensemble, but I was pushed the most in the orchestra. Because of my great memories of playing in that orchestra, I will remain loyal to this other orchestra. 

I am a fan of the show Grey's Anatomy. In the past season the character, Christina Yang, experiences a huge psychological trauma when a gun is pointed at her while she is performing heart surgery. Her character was meant to be a cardio god as she would call it. After this trauma, she is no longer able to enter an OR without panicking or fighting like hell to tolerate being in there.

I know this is fictional and not a real story, but for some reason I understand her panic better than I ever thought possible. 

I wasn't threatened with my life just to play my clarinet (unless you count my less than rational fear of flying), but for some reason, something happened on that trip to Chicago that traumatized me psychologically enough to never want to play again. 

Tonight I got my clarinet out to clean it up and figure out if I need to order new reeds for the upcoming concert in November with the COO. Habit took over and I cleaned it without hesitation. But, even now, as it sits on the desk next to me, I want to throw it away. I want it out of my sight.

I was blessed with an amazing ability to be a musician. I'm not the best the world has seen, but I still know I was given a special talent and I feel like I'm throwing it all away when I don't hesitate to hide away my case and music. 

This is all VERY depressing, I know. But, I have to write about it. Something is VERY wrong here.

Smile

Have you ever had one of those days that you just can't help but smile?

Well, today is that day for me.

This past year has been a living nightmare for the most part. Whether it was physical, emotional or spiritual stress, it has happened in greater amounts than I knew I could handle. I don't know if this horrendous year is over with just yet (crossing my fingers that it is). BUT, for the past few days I can say that there has been some very real mercy shown to me. 

This will probably be a very short blog for now. I want to write about what is making me smile, but for now it will be enough to say that I feel happy again. Happiness has been hard to come by this year. The few times I felt it were short-lived. So, for this, I must express my gratitude. My dear friend Julie Wilson helped me realize that I need to learn to be happy wherever I am, regardless of the situation. I didn't think it was possible, but it just might be. For all of the blessings in my life, today I show it with a super cheesy smile. :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

10 Years Ago

Ten years ago I was a junior in high school. My view of the world was miniscule and naive. 

I awoke the morning of September 11th just like any other day. Actually, I got up earlier than normal. I woke up and started packing my duffle bag for the away volleyball game we had at Wasatch Academy. I hadn't even left my bedroom yet. My mother came to my room and told me that my dad had just called to tell her that 2 planes had crashed into the World Trade Center. I imagined 2 planes crashing into each other and falling on top of a building. I didn't know what the WTC was (nor that it meant more than one building). I couldn't understand how something like this could happen. Was it the fault of bad air traffic control? I had also imagined that they were small, personal planes. I was wrong.

When I made it to the living room to see what was on the news I quickly understood I had no idea what was really going on. I had to keep getting ready for school but remember watching the replay of the second plane hitting the second tower and OH!, it still makes me ill to think of it.

I walked into my first classroom, the band room, and everyone was fixated on the tv. A few moments later we all watched as they showed images of the first tower collapsing. The second moment that made me ill. 

Eventually my teacher turned off the tv and tried to get us to focus on rehearsal. I don't remember much else that happened in class that day. The next thing I remember was when we left for our volleyball game. For those of you that don't know, I grew up in Dugway, Ut. Dugway Proving Grounds is a military base. Up until this point entry and exit of the base had been nothing to worry about. It was a simple process. As we left I remember watching out the window and noticing a machine gun pointed towards any oncoming traffic. My hometown was changed that moment. 

We drove the long 3 hour ride to our game listening to the radio almost the entire time. When they said thousands were dead, it didn't sink in at all. I was still in shock and disbelief that such a thing had happened. Our coach eventually told the bus driver to turn off the radio and told us to focus on the games we had. We played our games. Our tallest team member rolled her ankle...almost broke it. I don't remember if we won the game or not. I know we went to 3 matches though. The ride home was long and dreadful. I had a seat to myself. I remember lying there, finally able to let it all in as to what had happened that day. Thousands of people had died. Thousands of people had been terrified. For the first time that I can remember, I cried for someone I never knew. 

The ride was sickening. Apparently I had fallen asleep and the bus driver decided to turn on a book on tape, because I remember waking up, listening to a creepy British voice. I didn't have my glasses on (or my contacts in) and we we going through the mountain pass that is close to home. I almost threw up. The emotions of the day, coupled with the horrifying voice on the speaker and the dizzying mountain pass flying by as my blurry vision tried to understand...it was horrible. I was confused and literally terrified.

We arrived back home, or rather, at the gate just about midnight. The base had been put on lockdown and it was a miracle that they even let us on base that night. They stopped the bus and made us all get off, open our bags and allow ourselves to be searched. It took us a half hour to get home...something that from that point normally takes less than 5 minutes. 

I know it is not an original idea to write about what happened that day in my life. I am no one special in these events. I didn't know anyone that was killed and I had never actually been to New York. 

Everyone in America was affected by these events in some shape or form. Some are still haunted by the events. Others are enraged. And then again, others just don't know how to deal with it anymore. 

I just read some comments posted on an article about the events that are to take place tomorrow in remembrance of the attacks. It makes me as ill as I felt when I saw the second plane hit and the first tower collapse. The comments weren't kind. The comments were filth. The focus was not on what had happened and who had been lost, or who had been a hero. The comments were snide remarks about our former and current presidents. 

For one moment I'd like to take a moment and reflect on the death that occurred. People were murdered, spirits were torn apart and our nation was injected with a poison. We no longer stand united. We no longer belong to a country undivided. 

The terrorists succeeded in more ways than I'm sure they thought possible. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they knew that their acts would throw our country into a downward spiral that is our tanking economy and completely divided government. Who knows. Even though Bin Laden is dead, we have not won the battle. Until our country can forget itself, learn to work together and look to the reason we even exist as a nation (God...and for me to say that right now is a bigger deal than you can imagine), I find little hope in our future as a nation. We may put on a great face, but inside we're crumbling.

But, even as we crumble, there is still enough substance left that there is some hope to cling to. And cling to it we must. We are not out of that downward spiral.

I'm grateful for the many acts of selflessness that were later told of to inspire us. It is so true; even amidst great adversity comes great strength. Through these attacks we learned that some people are still noble enough to give their life for someone else. I don't know that even I could do the same thing honestly.

The more I look back, the more I want to cry like I did that day on the bus. 

An entire decade has passed. Life will never be the same. Hundreds of thousands have died since that attack. Politics are more terrifying than the literal acts of terror.

Although my thoughts are a little jumbled and not completely connected, I hope that by posting this I can feel a little more peace. Yes I feel that our country has gone in a direction I'm terrified of, but I do think that as the walls crumble around us, there is still hope to hold onto. Not only a hope that humankind can rise above the dust, and rebuild, but a hope that there are still people out there that are selfless and not selfish. 

I read an article posted in the Washington Post written by President Thomas S. Monson. His words are very much needed now, more than ever.

Here's what he said:

The calamity of September 11th, 2001 has cast a long shadow. Ten years later, many of us are still haunted by its terrible tragedy of lost lives and broken hearts. It is an episode of anguish that has become a defining moment in the history of the American nation and the world.

There was, as many have noted, a remarkable surge of faith following the tragedy. People across the United States rediscovered the need for God and turned to Him for solace and understanding. Comfortable times were shattered. We felt the great unsteadiness of life and reached for the great steadiness of our Father in Heaven. And, as ever, we found it. Americans of all faiths came together in a remarkable way.

Sadly, it seems that much of that renewal of faith has waned in the years that have followed. Healing has come with time, but so has indifference. We forget how vulnerable and sorrowful we felt. Our sorrow moved us to remember the deep purposes of our lives. The darkness of our despair brought us a moment of enlightenment. But we are forgetful. When the depth of grief has passed, its lessons often pass from our minds and hearts as well.

Our Father’s commitment to us, His children, is unwavering. Indeed He softens the winters of our lives, but He also brightens our summers. Whether it is the best of times or the worst, He is with us. He has promised us that this will never change.

But we are less faithful than He is. By nature we are vain, frail, and foolish. We sometimes neglect God. Sometimes we fail to keep the commandments that He gives us to make us happy. Sometimes we fail to commune with Him in prayer. Sometimes we forget to succor the poor and the downtrodden who are also His children. And our forgetfulness is very much to our detriment.

If there is a spiritual lesson to be learned from our experience of that fateful day, it may be that we owe to God the same faithfulness that He gives to us. We should strive for steadiness, and for a commitment to God that does not ebb and flow with the years or the crises of our lives. It should not require tragedy for us to remember Him, and we should not be compelled to humility before giving Him our faith and trust. We too should be with Him in every season.

The way to be with God in every season is to strive to be near Him every week and each day. We truly “need Him every hour,” not just in hours of devastation. We must speak to Him, listen to Him, and serve Him. If we wish to serve Him, we should serve our fellow men. We will mourn the lives we lose, but we should also fix the lives that can be mended and heal the hearts that may yet be healed.

It is constancy that God would have from us. Tragedies are not merely opportunities to give Him a fleeting thought, or for momentary insight to His plan for our happiness. Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives in the way He teaches us, and to become something different than we were. We can make Him the center of our thoughts and His Son, Jesus Christ, the pattern for our behavior. We may not only find faith in God in our sorrow. We may also become faithful to Him in times of calm.

Thomas S. Monson is president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.