Huh...

Well, I was going to write an entire blog about how I almost quit my job today. I am being compelled to work tomorrow, when I was scheduled to be off. AND my roommate's bridal shower is tomorrow. I was planning on going. But, now I won't. I'm so beyond frustrated that I can't even begin to express it. But, that's all I want to say about it. I have been so angry this past week. I don't like it. There are many reasons for my built up impending doom, but I'm not sure how to get rid of it. Hormones are key in this I'm sure. Stupid hormones. Sometimes I hate being a female. I know that I haven't been on top of my exercising this week (I missed 2 days!) and I haven't been as good about my eating habbits as I was in the beginning of this new endeavor to lose weight. But, it just seems so unreal that I can feel so much anger. When I was driving to and from Ogden on Wednesday I nearly got in about 4 or 5 accidents. The stress and anger I felt was insane! At one point, I was crying and screaming at no one because I just wanted to be home and off the road. It was a really long, tiresome, scary night. I saw my friends, but didn't have much time to talk to them. That sucked. I really wish I was closer so I could spend more time with the people I care about. I have no social life here. I'll have the occaisional flirt with a G.I. or see a familiar face come through the line at work, but if they're not asking about my brother or my dad, they really don't have much to say to me. I have grown up a very shy person. In junior high I would sit in the hallway at lunch and cower as people walked by. It has been a long, hard road to get to where I am today...and I'm not that far up the path. Any chance I have to strengthen my friendships is a big deal for me. It's so hard not to mention my anger and other emotions about having to work tomorrow. I have not called in sick once this entire summer. I have not left work early because of being sick. I have worked my hardest, and yet, on a day that is important for me to be there for someone else, I can't. I have covered for my manager too many times. If anything else like this happens again, if I'm still working, it will be my last day. We are required to have an advanced notice if our schedule is changing. Less than 24 hours is not too cool if you ask me. And, to be honest, I understand the situation, but the manager has no sympathy to my situation. And, she was sitting on her butt in town today and not working when she was originally scheduled to work. I don't even know how I can handle this situation tomorrow. I don't even want to look at her. But, since it is just going to be her and me working tomorrow, I suppose I'll have to communicate with her about something sooner or later. I guess that's my biggest fear. I'm not used to standing up for myself. I'm shy and easily walked over. I'm tired of it, but I guess I'm just too nice (meaning that I try to care about the other person's feelings and I try to be understanding). I'm afraid that if the boss mentions anything about the situation, I'll get tense. I'll try to say something, but she'll come up with something that will make me feel bad and I'll shut down and lose the battle (it happens everytime). I can't let this happen tomorrow, but I'm so scared that it will. I literally had less than 30 minutes to decide whether or not I would be working tomorrow or handing in my uniform. To be honest, I felt pretty darn good about quitting. But, I'm at a point where I need the money. I just found out how much I will be getting for my scholarship this year. It won't even cover tuition, let alone fees, rent, books, and lessons. Weber is a relatively cheap school, but it's still expensive. I just don't know what to do anymore. I need the money, but I feel terrible for choosing money over my friends.
Well, once again, I've stayed up too late. I suppose I should get some sleep so I can function at work. I really just want to get up, get ready, fold up my work shirts, drive to the Subway, clean out my locker and hand in the shirts. Then I would go fill up my car and head to Roy for the bridal shower. (By the way, this shower is for my former roommate, Charla. We had our riffs every once and awhile, but we went through so much together last year. We survived a kayaking accident, we had a drugged/alcoholic roommate problem, she put up with me and my stresses, and I did my best to put up with hers. She was a sister and a friend.) If I could control it, I might even leave a few choice words. But, I don't forsee that happening. Not like it would even bother the manager anyways. She's so heartless sometimes, it's hard to believe that she has what she has in terms of family relationships. She and I work together well, and we can have a good conversation, but she has turned out to be so 2-faced it's not even funny. I don't think she knows it, but it's hard to tell anyways. I just don't get it. Maybe I will quit. I guess we'll see. It's just not worth it anymore.
Goodnight...(goodmorning)