Friendships and Frustrations.

As I sit here, bleeding and falling asleep, I want to write a few of my thoughts. (the bleeing is because my cats have decided that they like jumping onto my thigh whilst bearing their claws. I'm NOT a climbing post!)
I recent event has me wondering...what have I done?
As in previous emails, I have mentioned a certain friend. I grew up calling him Danny. He now goes by Dan, but I can't bring myself to call him that. It's just not right! We have a very interesting relationship. At the age of...5??? he gave me my first(and only still) kiss on the cheek at a primary activity. We never really spoke after that (that I can remember...I believe I was embarassed or something...I'm not sure). He moved away and somehow we ended up keeping in touch. He and his family moved to Japan. Talk about your long-distance relationship. In high school we rarely even said hello to one another. But, when we got online after he moved, it was like we were best friends. It's weird how typing something makes it so much easier to converse with one another. He got his mission call after graduating from high school and went to Canada for 2 years. I wrote him and received letters and emails from him. From my point of view, I was being a supportive friend; someone other than a family member to write to. Well, I guess he didn't see it that way. I hoped he wouldn't see that way, but apparently he did. When he got back he asked if we could try the realtionship thing. I agreed to it, but quickly realized a lot of things that weren't right. First of all, I'm not extremely attracted to him. Second, he doesn't live in the same state (he was now at BYUI). Third, he kept promising me he'd write me, and I wouldn't hear from him for weeks...even months.
At one point, I did really start to like him. (I wonder now though if that wasn't lust) We had a sort-of-date after he got home from his mission and it was just weird for me. I didn't know exactly how I felt about him still, since I hadn't really seen him in person since ...oh about 3 years previously. We walked around Temple Square and had some driving time together (all of which I did on a cold, rainy winter night....and I'm a terrible driver...I'm sure I scared him to death). I must have been feeling something (lust maybe???) since I actually made it a point to make my hand available for holding. I wanted so badly for my hand to be held. No such luck. I guess that kind of woke me up as to what I was actually doing. I believe now that I was trying to go through the motions because of the opportunity. You know...I actually thought that there might've been the chance of us getting married. We've known each other for so long, and our converstaions were so fun sometimes (sometimes weird) that I thought, hey...a few dates and who knows? maybe he might ask me....HA....boy was I stupid! I was really stupid.
After that, we never really had a chance to meet again. He went off to college and so did I. Let's see...I don't remember exactly when this happened, but it was at least a year...if not closer to 3 years ago... he ended up having a chance to come visit me. I cleaned up my apartment and got excited to see him. I had my phone with me, turned up and on vibrate so I would know he was calling to let me know he was there. I waited and waited. I think it was either the next day or 2 days later I got an email (or phone call...not sure) telling me that he was sorry he didn't make it. This was the realy deal breaker for me. I realized that it wasn't nor should it happen. Long-distance relationships take a lot of work. This was not working. Now....fast-forward to the past couple of weeks...
I have been feeling very bothered by the fact that the last time I heard from him was in an ecard for my birthday (in February). It bothered me so badly that finally, yesterday, I wrote him about it. I have never talked to ANYONE like this before. I am usually so passive that I let pretty much anything slide. Maybe I'm finally growing up and learning to speak up...who knows. But, I wrote him and tolf him that it was bothering me that he hadn't written me in so long. Now, realize, that I have told him multiple times by now that I don't like him like that and that I just want to be friends (a terrible thing to say, but whatever). I really don't feel anything for him, so it really bothers me that I was bothered at all that he hadn't written me. But, nevertheless, I wrote a fairly stern email expressing my feelings about the situation. No sooner had I sent it then I decided to check my email. Guess what...
I had an email from him. Go figure! It was very short and had no substance to it at all. So, yeah...this is a fine mess I've gotten myself into. Complaining about lack-of-communication in a relationship that doesn't really exist...what's wrong with me?!
Well...I had so much more to blog about, but I'm tired, and it's super late. I will be heading up to Ogden again tomorrow. It's a great reason to go (fun job, sing with my friends), but the gas money just isn't worth it sometimes.
Goodnight (or rather, Good morning!)