A Storm is Coming

(in more ways than one)

Just to warn you, you may want to skip over this blog, unless you really want to read into my soul...ha ha...not that it's that terribly deep, but I find that this is the only chance I have of writing my thoughts down without worry of losing the info... I suppose I could hand write it in a journal, but my hand hurts when I write that much these days. (stupid tendonitis!)

So anyways.

There is a storm brewing outside. It came from nowhere. I have not heard of any weather reports warning of high wind or any other such severe weather circumstances. As I type my eyes grow heavy and I want to go to sleep, but there is much on my mind. Everyone seems to have one true goal, desire or dream in their life. We are told that, no matter what that is, we must sacrafice everything we have to attain that one goal, desire or dream. I keep thinking to myself....what do I really want in life? I'm working towards being a music teacher, but I'd also love to be a meteorologist, storm chaser, veterinarian, massage therapist, photographer and neurologist. As much as I would love to do all of those things, there is not enough time, nor enough money. So, I must choose one (or maybe 2 if I'm lucky) to persue. The thing is, I always feel a sense of emptiness when I decide to go down one of those paths. Music education is the last thing I really want to do, but it seems to be the thing that I need to do. It's really quite frustrating. I feel so wrong when I try to choose another path. But, I'm not extremely happy nor excited to be a music teacher. I am not the kind of person that will make a good teacher. Kids scare me. I'm terrible in social situations and I'm not a leader. (somehow I keep getting put in leadership positions that I never really feel adequate for-even if I desire it...ei-section leader of the clarinets at Weber) Anyways. Anytime I think of the ONE thing I truly want to be in life, I realize that it is to be a mother. Funny thing about that is that I don't have %100 control on how that will pan out in my life. It's the one thing I desire over anything else, and yet, I have never had a boyfriend, I have only been kissed once (by a child when we were about 5 years old), guys tend to look the other direction when I look at them. See a pattern? The one thing I want I never seem to be even close to. So, I keep trying to fool myself that I'll be happy enough if I persue another path.
I don't want to do music, but yet I'm drawn to it. It is a blessing in my life and I feel selfish for not wanting to teach others, but then again, I'm not the greatest teacher in the world, and I would still try to give private lessons at home regardless of my final profession. I wish I could say what I feel. My mom brought out a stack of photos I took of Southern Utah a few years ago when we drove down there to move my brother in for school. I look at those pictures and see a faint possiblity of a career I would enjoy, but how on earth do I 'go for it'? My camera is a crappy 4.1 mega pixel sony cybershot that is terrible at capturing the true beauty that I see around. I can't afford a nice $400-900 Nikon or Canon that I am so interested in purchasing some day. I could change my major to photography, but is that a wise idea? I would have to take art classes, and I'm a terrible artist. And, I take pictures of nature, not people. I wouldn't be able to set up a studio for portraits and such. I would love to travel and take pictures of the world, but how would I accomplish that? I would need another career to support my career. I guess I'm going to need that anyways if I stick with music. (I'll have to work night shifts at a restaraunt just to pay for my clarinet reeds, music and so on) I feel trapped. I feel like echoing the words of Samwise Gamgee in the movie of Lord of the Rings. He says something to the effect of "the one place we can't find is the one place we want to get into..." Well...it's not even close to that, but I don't remember it and I'm not going to go put in the movie to figure it out, since I'm not sure which movie it's in (stupid trilogy!) ;) I can hear it being said in my mind, but as soon as I try to write it, the words get twisted and turned around. Anyways, that's how I feel. The one place I can't get to is the place I want to go. Maybe I should take that leap and just go for it. But, I'm scared. I've never done anything like that before in my life and I'm not about to screw up my life over some silly dream (oh wait...it's already screwed up...why would one more decision make it that much worse?) I am a good photographer. I take pride in my pictures. I wish I had a better camera. I love to see the beauty of the Earth and I love to capture it in still motion. But how on earth am I going to live? (that's where a handsome doctor, lawyer, entrepenuer, etc would be helpful ;))
Ah...I could go on all night. But, it is almost 1am, I'm tired and I have to work tomorrow. I really wish that I had put in my 2-week notice sooner. I really don't want to go back there ever again. Hate isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel about that place. It's so tempting to ask if I can change the date I put on my resignation. Hmm....I'll have to think about that one. As much as I need the extra cash, I just don't know if my spirit can take it any longer. It was nice to be happy this weekend. It went by too quickly. I didn't even get to sleep in. Sadness...pure sadness. Anyways. I need to go to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open and I still need to read my scriptures. Ah...and there's a whole 'nother blog right there. I have so much to improve on....oi! Ok, for real now...
Goodnight!